I am back to reading baby books. Right now I'm going through Birthing From Within. It's actually a book summarizing an approach to giving birth and preparing for said act. There's a lot of Zen influence in it and some of the stuff is a little too out there for me, but it has made me realize something:
I have a lot of negative associations with pregnancy and birth. And my body.
Before the miscarriage I didn't have as many, or perhaps they didn't seem as real. But they are very real now and I'm worried.
The book talks a lot about art - pregnant women creating art as a way of revealing how they feel about their child's upcoming birth. I haven't picked up a pencil or anything, but my first or strongest mental image is that of a stillborn. A good birth with a healthy mom and baby seem as improbable as me losing 20lbs in the next few months - it could happen but it's pretty far-fetched.
This doesn't mean I don't want to try again, it just means I've got a lot to work through. You pray; I'll keep you posted.