Last week I got a phone call from my LLL leader. It seems she's been watching me closely these past 6 months and it has been pretty clear to her that I'm struggling. While the phone call caught me completely off guard, I'm very glad she made it. I love being L's mom, but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I adore my daughter, but sometimes I feel so spent, like I'm running on fumes.
With the phone call I took a step back and looked at things - every day I feel stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, tired and angry. I noticed that I over-react and misplace my frustrations so much so that I felt silly (perfect example: how upset I became over the election). Often I angrily pray, "Why can't you just give me a break? Why are you putting me through all this? Can't you see that I'm failing right now and could use some help?!" I think the anger is the most surprising reaction. I definitely didn't expect to be angry.
I try to be grateful, hoping that it will make me more patient, compassionate and willing to let the housework sit and hold my daughter.
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining - I want to be a stay at home mom and I am very glad to have a husband who supports and wants that too. And I love my family. But, I just never knew to expect all this.