My daughter is 8 months old today. She has gone from a little "potato" who spent most of her time fussing &/or crying to a kiddo who crawls, pulls herself up, has two teeth and is cutting four more, laughs, blows raspberries, babbles loudly, talks with her hands, and likes cell phones, green apples and watching Travis and I brush our teeth.
It's been amazing, fun and incredibly difficult.
Last night I was listening to Lauryn Hills' To Zion, a song she wrote to her son.
"How beautiful if nothing more
Than to wait at Zion's door
I've never been in love like this before...
And I'm reminded every time I see your face
That the joy of my world is in Zion"
I always thought those words would sum up how I would feel about being a mom. But it's not. When Lydia's asleep I'm not gonna hang out at her door. I'm gonna sit down, or take a shower, or clean up the kitchen, or read a blog. And while it is true that I've never loved someone the way I love Lydia, I have also never been so frustrated with another person in my life. My daughter's face can most definitely melt my heart, lift my spirits, make me laugh and make my heart ache with love. But she can also leave me feeling ragged, exhausted, empty, grumpy and far from joyful.
I don't know if Lauryn was setting me up for a hard fall or if my experience of motherhood is being shaded by several different circumstances, but right now I feel like I've spent the last 8 months being dragged behind a wagon.
Motherhood is hard. Pray for me and my family.