I am 38 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I am measuring 5 weeks ahead. This means that I am HUGE. As in I can't bend, I can't sleep, getting out of bed to go to the bathroom is an Olympic feat.
But what it also means is that people stare at me. I suppose they are afraid that my water will break and I will ruin their shoes, but many people have looks on their faces that make me feel unwelcome or obscene. I've especially noticed this on the faces of men, some of whom have actually glared at me.
I'm not sure why people are doing this, but let me tell you how it makes me feel: disgusting, ugly, fat, embarrassed, ashamed, like a freak.
At this point, my size has made me pretty much give up on some things. For example, yesterday L and I had to go to Mass alone. We got ready, packed our bag and drove to Mass, while also fighting about putting on her dress, trying to get her to eat something all morning long (she ate nothing), and trying to pace myself enough so I wouldn't become "overheated" and worn out well before we left. We walked into the church, which was either hot or I was having yet another hot flash, and then she refused to stay in the pew. People kept looking at me because now I was not only a hugely pregnant woman, but also one with a misbehaving toddler. And so, before Mass even began, we packed everything up and just left, me crying the whole way home.
The stares, the hot flashes, the inability to be comfortable all make me want to not be pregnant any more. But L's demands for attention make me afraid of having 2 children.
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