I originally posted the following in July of 2007. I've been thinking about it (the post) a lot lately because, well, with the new heat my face has majorly broken out, and because I seem to be stuck in a sin rut. I went to confession last week and usually that does the trick - I feel better and am able to do better, at least for a little while. But lately my patience has been practically non-existent, which means I have been losing my temper a lot lately, which means I've been cussing in front of / at my kids. I truly believe that this time it comes down to the fact that I am really, really tired. It might not look like it, but I am. I want to sleep in, nap, and go to bed at 8. It's hard for me to motivate myself and I often let the kids watch huge amounts of PBS Kids and movies because I don't have the energy for much else. Pray for me - this is going to be a long summer.
Sin is a terrible thing. We become comfortable in it and it spreads.
There are people in my life who are very hard to like. I don't like the situations that bring them into my life, nor do I like their behavior within it. It is frustrating to watch people make one bad mistake after another, and it's even worse when they bring down a lot of good people with them.
Suffice it to say I often lack charity and mercy when confronted with these people. My only defense is that I do not know how to love them. This is a true situation where I wish I knew what Jesus would do.
I have finally given myself a firm talking to and then submitted it all to God. I went to confession and feel a good deal better. The challenge, of course, is to continue to submit to God and to be ever mindful of Him. I believe firmly that I will improve in this; I want Heaven too badly not to.
The funny thing is, I did not come to this end in a moment of prayer or while reading my Bible. No, I was looking at my acne in the bathroom mirror and I began to think of Dorian Gray, the man whose life was as horrible as he was beautiful, while all of his ghastly deeds showed themselves only on a portrait of him that hung in secret. "Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man's face," Wilde wrote. And when Dorian shows Basil his portrait he tells Basil, "It is the face of my soul."
As I thought about my outbreak I wondered - stress? cycle? weather? sin? Maybe or maybe not, but it got me to stop worrying about my face and start wondering about my soul.
I just read The Picture of Dorian Gray this year, so its themes are still leaving impressions on me. I like your insight. Often our surroundings, those surface images, expose something which is at a much greater depth, our soul.ReplyDelete
I have a 4 month old, and while he may not require as much work/attention/etc. from me as your little ones do, I already know what it feels like to sink into "the abyss". I will be praying for you for some miraculous energy, some focus, and some extra love!
I like this Bonnie. You have a great way of putting things...and allowing others to ponder it for themselves.ReplyDelete
Have a great weekend!
And thank you, Ashley, for the prayers! They are needed! :)
I had a very similar experience last summer when i was pregnant with Abraham. I was always so exhausted that it was an effort just to get through the day. because of hormones, my nerves were shot and the littlest thing would send me into fits of rage or weeping. i was ridiculous. but we got through it, my kids survived, and God provided. I will pray for you, my dear beautiful pregnant woman!!ReplyDelete