I mean this in a couple of ways...
First, the house has become closer and closer to my perfect house - one I could raise my kids in. It's not huge but it's big and there's plenty of room for sleeping, eating, playing, growing and running around. The walls are painted in colors that I like. The living room is arranged as I like it. The front porch is a great place to hang out in good weather, and the back porch will soon be the perfect, cute, little mudroom.
But we are running out of money. And unless I get a job, or we win the lottery, or someone takes a shining to us and gives a few grand, well, we just can't stay here too much longer. Maybe for another year, but not for another five.
The tricky part for me is that I knew this was coming. I've always *said* that I was picking out light fixtures and vanities that would be attractive to most people, but there was always a part of me that was fibbing. I've been crafting a house that I would want. And now that I almost have it, well, I have to start living again as if we are just house sitting until the real owners show up.
This bums me out.
Secondly, I am too tired to keep a tidy home and be a good mother to my children. For some stupid reason I have, as of late, chosen to strive for tidiness rather than put my energy towards loving and enjoying my children. It is true that a clean space makes me feel less stressed, but the process of having a clean space has become more stressful than the mess. Ignoring my teething son and scolding my playful daughter so I can straighten up the kitchen only leaves me feeling crappier.
So now I must throw up the white flag and acknowledge that for the next few months, and maybe even longer, I cannot control the house, the kids, and my temper. Quit worrying about the house and I'll do a better job with the kids and myself.
I am aware that this will take the strength of Christ. Seriously, I'm a pretty high strung person (I know, you know.) and He's gonna have to pull me through this one.
So if you come over, you'll have to excuse my mess.
I'm sorry about the first one. I know that must be sad for you. I understand about the second one. I have a hard time focusing on anything but the mess when things are messy around here. But my need to have things tidy makes me put tidiness in front of people, which is the exact opposite of how I want to live. I'm glad you're letting go of this, as you have your hands plenty full right now with the kids that are and the one that is to come.ReplyDelete
Why can't you fix the house up AND stay there? I guess i don't know the whole story on your house. There must be something i don't know. As far as the second point, my house got messier with every kid that was added to our family. That's just how it goes and i'm glad you are letting it go. Do what you can and try to enjoy your life rather than control it. ( i should be telling my self this too!!) Also you are VERY right that it will take the strength of Christ. It's amazing how weak I am without Him. He will uphold you!!ReplyDelete
Sarah, We will stay here until the house is done, which will take at least another 12 months. But in finishing it we have gathered a little bit of debt and it does not behoove us to stay in this house with the debt. So if we get money from a "rich uncle" then we can pay off the debt and stay and enjoy the FINISHED house. No money = house for sale as soon as it's done.ReplyDelete