October 4, 2010

cookie swallow #2

Results are in:  Inconclusive. 
That's what you all wanted to know, but now I'm going to make you read through a long post to get all the details.

I have been praying so much, requesting over and over again that God will heal James and that today's cookie swallow would go well.  Over the past two and a half weeks my prayers have morphed from a small, scared "please God, help him," to a confident, "In the Name of Christ Jesus, heal my son."  I spent some time after that praying, "what is You will what is Your will what is Your will WHAT IS YOUR WILL?!"  That turned into, "Oh my God oh my God I'm so scared Oh my God please heal him my God I'm so scared so please heal him oh my God heal him heal him heal him my God just do this just do this just do this please!"  And today, exhausted, scared, overwhelmed, and distraught, I said, "I come to you in the Name of Christ and I confess that I am scared.  I have doubts.  I have doubted.  But I am giving You my doubts and fears and I am asking You to fill that space with trust.  I believe.  Help my disbelief."

On the way to the hospital and during the cookie swallow I prayed a rosary.  I asked St. James, St. Linus, Mother Mary, St. Francis (it is his feast day, ya know) and Archbishop Sheen to pray with me, and I pictured them sitting around me, praying with me.  Sheen in his cape and skull cap.  Mary in her blue mantle.  Francis in his brown robe...  I asked Mary to beg her son to save mine.  And then I prayed the Joyful Mysteries, thinking about how Trav and I said, "Let it be done unto me according to thy word," when we agreed to NFP. (Annunciation)   I thought about all the people who told me that Trav and I were crazy to have 3 kids so close together but how we felt like God wanted each of our children to be.  And I thought about all the people who have been supporting us during this difficult time. (Visitation)  I thought about giving birth to my son, how beautiful, difficult, and then terrifying it was. (Nativity)  I thought about James' baptism and confirmation and the beauty of the Church. (Presentation)  I thought about finding out who James will be - finding him. (Finding in the Temple) 

I felt better. 

And then during the swallow James slept.  No amount of tickling, cold, jostling, or talking would wake him.  He was napping and would not be disturbed.  So did he do well?  No.  He aspirated once on the honey milk and only took 10ml.  He wouldn't take any of the rice cereal formula.   And so the test was inconclusive.

I felt a peace when the feeding therapist spoke with me about how she couldn't make any conclusions based on how he ate while sleeping.  And when I told Trav about the test he said he felt the same peace.  It seems that God answered our prayers, just not how we thought he would.

And so James will most likely have another swallow later this week.  This gives us more time  to pray, and him more time to heal.  30ml of rice cereal and no aspirations = bottle feedings.

Thank you for your prayers!

Side note - I realize this isn't the best written blog post ever.  But I'm sure you'll excuse the lack of transitions and what not because I'm physically and emotionally spent and it's 10:30pm.  Thank you.


  1. Dear sweet, beautiful Bonnie, Every night I read your updates and am in awe of your ability to write so eloquently and from your heart with such faith, hope, and love. You are an inspiration. You and your family, especially sweet baby James, are surrounded by so much love and many prayers, it is comforting. Sweet dreams to all, with love and hugs, Michelle and Joe Burns

  2. Your reflections on the rosary are beautiful. Your blog readers are learning so much from you and James.

  3. Praying and hoping for you all. Praising God today for more "time" for us all to pray for James. God Bless

  4. Love the insights about the stages on this journey. God is here, isn't He? Still praying.

    Suzanne Tietjen

  5. Bishop Sheen,please intercede for baby James that his ability to eat will be fully restored so he will be able to receive our Lord in the Eucharist.

  6. Thank you for the update. It seems God, in His infinite wisdom, has moved beyond the pass/fail of the test and presented option C. Could this mean that He's giving time for healing? I am certainly still praying for that! Or alternatively, perhaps this was ordained so that you have more time to come to peace re a feeding tube. ...Or, option C, God? Regardless, I see God's hand all over this nap James stubbornly insisted upon. He (God) alone knows his purpose, and I pray that it is for healing, but I trust that it is for good. God bless you! I'll be praying!

  7. Ditto what Michelle said. Your posts leave me speechless and inspired by your faith, hope, and vulnerability.


  8. This is so beautiful. Your faith is beautiful. Your hope is beautiful. Hang in there. God answers all prayers said by Mothers in the NICU-- not on the time table that we'd like, but all prayers are answered with abundant grace. My whole family is praying for your little guy.

  9. Keep taking things one day at a time. God gave you James because you can handle whatever challenges he brings you. Your family is still in our prayers and thoughts.

  10. I was going to tell you, Bonnie, that from what I have learned God will answer prayers but He will do so in ways that are unexpected. My Spiritual Director told me "when Gabriel appeared to Mary the first thing she said was 'how?'" She didn't doubt, she just wanted to know the details. The torture you will experience will be in wondering "how." It is the process, though, that miracles will occur. Make sure you offer up your pain!! Ask God for what/whom you should offer it up. And it is when you are most exhausted that you finally can say the words "your will be done." It is like the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel. We want the ending. God wants us through the entire process.

    Hang in there! God's peace be with you!