November 2, 2010

wrapping things up

Last night I slept on the couch in JF's room.  Along with his super awesome primary night nurse, Megan, I took care of him.  Unlike her, I cursed the 3 hour feeding schedule.

I made all of his bottles, fed him via g tube when needed, cared for the wound, and basically did there what I'll be doing here as soon as tomorrow night.  That's right - JF will be coming home sometime between Wednesday and Friday. 

So how do I feel about this?  Right now I'm feeling pretty good.  I feel confident.  I feel like I can do this.  I feel supported.  I feel prepared.  Yesterday, I was terrified.  I was depressed.  I felt like God had set me up for failure (ummm.. didn't He remember I did not want to be a nurse?).  I felt like this was going to be a slow burn followed by the initial crash. 

Being with him, caring for him like I did L and Ben, definitely reminded me that a baby is a baby and gave me the confidence to bring him home, but it was all still a bit of an emotional teeter-totter.  As Travis put it, sometimes in anger, sadness, self-pity, or despair I cry out, "Why did you let this happen?!" and sometimes, in peaceful anticipation I ask, "Why did you let this happen?"

And then I read this passage from Healing the Original Wound by Fr. Benedict Groeschel.

All sorts of things go wrong in the world that are not the will of God.  There is an immense difference between the actual will of God which decrees events and the permissive will of God which allows them.  The actual will of God caused the incarnation.  The permissive will of God allowed the crucifixion to take place - the best and the worst of all human events.  We need to recall that whatever happens, God goes with us.  God was there at the crucifixion as much as he was there at the resurrection.

Fr. Benedict goes on to talk about praying, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" which is a prayer I have prayed many, many times recently.  But he also quotes St. Augustine, "Flood our path with your light when the road is long and the way is weary and let us know of your presence."

It is ridiculous how often I have to come back to the beauty of the Cross and remind myself that suffering is evil; it is only in the world because of sin, but redemptive suffering, suffering united with Christ's passion, is beautiful.  I went to confession the week I was due and my penance was to pray "thank you, Jesus," throughout the labor, the contractions, the pushing.  I did.  I offered up my pain and I thanked God for the gift of fertility and motherhood.  It's understandable that I have not prayed "thank you, Jesus" during the suffering we've been going through lately, but it has definitely left me focusing on the dark instead of living in the joy and the beauty. 

Redemptive suffering.  Cross and Resurrection.  We are an Easter people and Hallelujah is our song.  JF is coming home.


  1. Hurrah! James is COMING HOME! You can do it! Even more prayers coming your way this week.

  2. Praise the Lord Bonnie! You will do a great job and there will be ups and downs but I am convinced that comes with motherhood :). You are doing an amazing job of trusting our lord and look how far that baby boy of yours has come!!!! Blessings and prayers sent your way. Let me know if you need anything.

  3. Bonnie, what a beautiful post! We continue to lift you all in prayer.

    Katie in Maryland

  4. Wow, Bonnie! It's amazing to watch what God is doing in your little boy and also in your own heart. I love that he is coming home!! We will be praying especially hard during this transition time. Jehovah Jireh will meet all your needs!!!
    sarah hedman

  5. Bonnie, I'm so happy to hear you say James is coming home! It's been so long and so many ups and downs and I believe in my heart that even though James received really great care and love from some of your favorite nurses there is no place like home and being with him Mom and Dad. I still hope and pray the very best for James and that his life can be as full as Lydia's and Bennet's but no matter what James life might be the amazing thing is that he is definitely a gift of God to even be here and we will love him and nourish him as best we can. You and Travis both have such strong faith and I praise you both for your strength - even though you may not see it -- we around you see it and know you have faced so much in these last 7 weeks and praise God James is finally coming home:) If I can do anything (it would have to be nights or weekends) just let me know. Love you all, Aunt Nita

  6. again, a beautiful post. absolutely inspiring. when you look back and see your path it's just amazing.
    you must be frightened about what tomorrow may bring. but remember that God is with you, Mary wraps you in her starry mantle, and Jesus holds you entirely. you have lots of friends and professionals to help out. even cyber-friends!
    when little james comes home, take it one. moment. at a time.

    prayers and love,

  7. Praise the Lord for the gift of life and James! I'm sure having him home will be a huge adjustment in so many ways and I will be praying for you and your whole family as you navigate this next season. May God's peace be present in those hard hours of the night and in the moments when you're asking "why." But all in all, Praise the Lord!!! What a miracle that James is coming home to his loving family to be snuggled and enjoyed and adored by siblings and loved on by everyone. Thank you, Jesus!

  8. WOW! Amazing and well said. Good thoughts to dwell on when we feel pitiful at times!
    Welcome home baby James Fulton!!!
    Many prayers for you and your family!

  9. Prayer request for James and your family posted & tweeted here: