May 17, 2012

40 weeks 1 day

When people ask, "When are you due?" it fun to say, "May 16th," when it's 3 months away.  And then it's fun to say, "In two weeks."  Even more fun is to say, "I'm due on Wednesday" when there is less than a week on the ticking clock. 

But it's not as fun to answer, "Today."

And it's a bummer to say, "Yesterday."

I am still afraid of the outcome of this pregnancy and at this point I'm still about 55% expecting to not bring the baby home.  When I look through the baby clothes section at stores I alternate between thinking about buying her something special to wear home from the hospital (right now I just have L's hand-me-downs packed) and thinking about buying something to bury her in.

It's so morbid sounding, isn't it. 

At this point I want to go into labor not because I'm tired of being so big, so pregnant, so hot, so uncomfortable.  I want to go into labor because I just want to get it over with and move on to the next stage.  Do I celebrate or mourn?  Do things go well or very badly?  Can I do this?

At this point I really want those answers.  I'm one day overdue and not in labor.


  1. Oh Bonnie. You remain in my prayers. Tucked in tightly.

  2. Bonnie...the Lord is with you and that baby. We are praying for you over here. Everything will be just fine; I feel it. Be strengthened. You are an amazing mama that will push that healthy baby out with style ;) I can't wait to "meet" her.

  3. You are in my constant prayers, for a safe delivery and healthy baby, and for peace and trust in your heart. Travis and the kiddos are in my prayers too. Eagerly awaiting the happy news!

  4. Praying for you, sweet girl. It's going to be wonderful. She just needs to hurry up decide it's time!

  5. I'm sorry you're in such a bad state of mind, I will be praying for you.

  6. Praying for you! May God's peace guide you through these last hours or days of pregnancy and into His arms that hold the future of your daughter. Come Holy Spirit!

  7. know what you're saying about being overdue! It definately lost it's charm quickly as anticipation and daily disappointment took over. I really hope and pray the wait will end soon!

    Thinking and praying for you during this time of fear and stress - I know I have no idea what you're going through. It must be so hard and frightening.

    I just want to tell you that despite my birth experience not going exactly as planned (c-section after pushing for 45 minutes because Poppy's heart rate was dropping), I had the BEST experience with the staff. Really -I don't have a complaint. I hope your hospital birth is just as positive.

    Thinking of you, friend.

    Love, Em

  8. I will Pray for Peace and a Healthy, Safe delivery!!

  9. Yeah. Been there. And perhaps experience makes me think morbidly, but I fully support acknowledging the fears of not bringing her home and thinking of what it would take to say good-bye. For what it's worth, my countdown during pregnancy with Isaiah included things like the 20-week mark being the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth. And he was also overdue, which only added to my anxieties. I'm praying for your peace until you get to meet your little girl.

  10. My 3rd pregnancy went to 40w3d (the two prior had only gone to 39w and 36w, so I was not prepared to go late). I remember feeling exactly as you do. Hang in there! *hugs*

  11. Oh my goodness. I will pray for you. My third baby went FIFTEEN days overdue. Being quite stubborn and terrified of intervention of any kind, I waited it out. I cried every morning because she hadn't been born during the night and I cried every night because she hadn't been born during the day.

    My journal entries during those days (she just turned 18!) are so so desperate.

    She was worth the wait.

  12. Hi Bonnie- I found you via Dwija's blog. Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and baby's safe delivery and peace for you and your family.

    Also- totally unrelated- I saw the post about the Casey's breakfast pizza. Do you live in Iowa?! I'm sure it's terrible for me, but I love that pizza too. :)

  13. To all: Thank you very, very much for the prayers. It means so much to me.

    To Amanda W: I did the same countdown between miscarriage and stillbirth.

    To Em: Sometimes I just want to do a c-section. C-section = no fear of things going wrong on my part.

    To Francine: I live in central Illinois. And the pizza is terrible for us but it tastes so, so good.