Thursday, June 7, 2012

an incoherent post by a post partum woman

When I first began blogging I wanted to be honest about things.  Motherhood was tough and I just came right out and said it.  With my fourth baby I will say that motherhood is still tough but the loneliness and sleepless nights are nothing compared to how I feel now.

I always assumed that the older my kids grew the more heartaches I would have.  I did not, however, foresee how short my patience would run, how overwhelmed I would feel, and how I would feel sucked dry by the end of the day.  One of my children loves to chat, to be the center of attention, and to receive heaping amounts of physical affection throughout the day; I like silence and to not touch or be touched.  It is very hard for me to fulfill this child's needs.

Every day I lose my temper.  I say things I shouldn't.  I ignore kids who want me because I really, really don't want to give any more of myself.  Every day I can see how much my kids want my love and approval and at some point every day it is very hard to do that for them.

Recently someone commented that me and my blog are "dumb happy".  I'm not 100% sure what that means, having never heard the expression before, but a Facebook survey amongst my friends says it means "slap happy".  So I guess, at least to one person, I am obnoxiously happy - which is interesting to me because I do not feel that way or even view this blog that way.

I write how I speak.  It may not be very polished and I may frequently end my sentences with prepositions, but I don't care.  This is my voice; this is who I am.

But I no longer feel like I have to be super honest.  I don't want my kids to grow up and have our misbehavior and every feeling of frustration directed at them documented on the internet.  I love, love, love them and I don't want them to ever be embarrassed or hurt by what I type here.  So maybe in the end I come off a little more positive (but I really don't think I do...).  I also think there's great good in representing all the perks of the married life.  Enough people in the world complain about their husbands, put down men, and laugh a little too hard at jokes about drinking hard liquor to get through a day at home with the kids. (Not that there aren't days when I really want a stiff drink.)

I started this blog to share adventures of with friends and family.  Pictures of our cute kids, updates on the house renovation, funny anecdotes from our days would be posted for a smallish group of people who know and love us.  But now there are a couple hundred people who check this blog on a regular basis and I don't know who they are.  I like them (I like you.) and I love it when they comment and email me and share their lives with me, and so now I find myself writing for them, too.  (Jordan on the West Coast, I often write and pray for you.)

For awhile I tried to make this blog something more important than it is.  I thought I should try to grow my readership, write intelligent and insightful things, throw my two cents in along with all the other bloggers.  But now I don't really care about those things.  My pride got the better of me and I became tired trying to be more interesting than I am. 

What am I even saying here?!  Heck if I know.  I guess... just know that
I'm sorry I don't post more often,
I hope you like the dumb songs I post every Friday,
thanks for coming along for the ride,
I hope I really am not obnoxious,
there's nothing wrong with being happy,
this blog isn't important,
honesty is important but so is respecting my family's privacy and showing the good,
I'm probably going to only post 1, 2, or 3 times a week and never on a regular basis except for 7 quick takes,
can you tell that I'm postpartum?

I call this "baby brain".

9 comments:

  1. I've always said the same thing about what I share about the kids and my husband. I think it was easier for me to make that decision from the beginning because my older kids were already old enough to read and be interested in my blog. So basically I don't post anything I wouldn't want them reading, because their lives are more important to me than stats and blogging and virtual whatever ever could be.

    More power to ya, Bonnie!

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  2. I've been a silent reader of yours for quite awhile. I'm a struggling mom of one, and I love the way you are so real about the joys and sorrows of mothering. Thank you so much and know of my prayers!

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  3. I, as well, have been reading for a few years and really appreciate your honesty. I am not a mother but I hope to someday have that privilege...and I love that you tell it like it is. There are a lot of misconceptions (especially for young mom-hopefuls) that motherhood is all butterflies and rainbows because as long as you love your children and they love you, nothing else matters. And while this is essentially true, there are tough days...maybe even most days are tough.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for giving a REAL perspective on motherhood. I, like many others I presume, appreciate it. And also, I like that you write how you talk...screw correct grammar :)

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  4. Good for you Bonnie! and thank you for praying for me. i often pray and think of you too. i've love reading slices of your life and learning about catholicism (and i've learned a ton from you). blessings! :)

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  5. Hi Bonnie, I have only just started reading your blog recently, but I love reading what you write. I appreciate your honesty is presenting motherhood as it is - very tough but very important. I think your children are very blessed to have you as a mum, and based on what you write I think you do a superb job of loving, growing and protecting your kids. Having young children is hard work, and you should be proud of what you do. I will keep you all in my prayers.

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  6. I don't recall exactly when I ever came here, but it was through someone asking for prayers for James right after he was born. I don't know how I'd describe your blog beyond honest and lovely. And inspiring. It's nice to know that I'm not the only young mom of several feeling the way that I do and striving to do better, or lose weight, or be holier. I would love to live down the street from you, but for now I'm thankful to just "know" you through this blog!

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  7. Then let me introduce myself. I first came to your blog at the request of our mutual friend, Molly (we miss her at book club), to pray for James (best blog event ever). And my daughters and I made the Dove with Golden Crown for the Jesse tree set of ornaments you also contributed to. I LOVE the songs and videos you post, which is probably the main reason I keep coming back. (how do you find this great stuff?)

    I went back to work full time this year (as a teacher in my kid's Catholic school, yea!) and fell behind in my blog reading. Last week (after school was out) I revisited here and discovered you had a whole new baby since I last checked in. Congratulations!

    I envy my friends (and their friends) who came to deep faith early enough to have several children, as I would love to have had more. I have a 16yr old son, and 14 and 12yr old daughters. Our first child, Lucie, was born with a rare disorder (Marfan Syndrome) and died following heart surgery at age 13mos, so James' journey was especially poignant for me.

    Very nice meeting you. SO relate to this post.

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  8. I appreciate your honesty,love and care of kids. You are really a good mom.

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