This is not to say that what I do is binge eat all day long. It's just what I want to do.
Let me blabber on a little bit more.
I am not super, duper, disgustingly fat. But I'm still, what I consider to be, embarrassingly fat. Since giving birth to Resa, after all the sweating and peeing, my weight is 19 lbs lighter than when I became pregnant with her. So that's good. But I still have a kabillion pounds to go. Or, like 40ish, which pretty much feels like kabillion.
|You can go ahead and tell me this.|
- I've lost Resa.
- I've lost JF.
- I've lost the NICU.
Those things are great! Eh... but Ben's and L's pregnancies were the worst and, I'll just say this, I really want to be under 200lbs again. Like squarely, perfectly, if I overeat one day I won't go back over 200, under 200lbs again. Like 195. That's my first goal, which I haven't met yet. Because while I don't binge eat all day, I do still binge eat.
Even though I've already told you this next part, don't stop me because I'm going to finish it off by telling you something I might not have shared before.
In college I lost 50lbs. How fat I am now, that's how fat I was in high school and my first two years of college. And then May after my sophomore year I decided I couldn't take it any more and I started to run and eat better. I worked my way up to 3 miles - they were slow and rare but they were mine - I could do them! And I looked good. My weight would flux a little on each side of 155 and I looked good. In fact, a lot of people thought I was lying when they'd hear how much I weighed because I didn't look like a woman who weighed 155.
But, the thing is, I didn't just use diet and exercise to lose that weight. Because I still kept binge eating and you can't drop 50 lbs in 5 months that way. So I adopted the purging part. Yes, I could eat two pieces of cake, go throw it up, and still lose weight. In a lot of ways it was perfect. Puking never bothered me when I was sick and so I didn't mind doing it to wear a size M for once in my life. I didn't do it every day, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Just enough.
For a long time it was a secret I could keep but college life meant other people heard me puke. The truth slowly came out to a small group of people, but I just kept doing it so I could maintain my ideal weight. A bunch of other things happened my senior year that brought a lot of stress and anxiety to my life. Panic attacks and purging were happening a lot and I zeroed in on my weight as a way to make myself have a sense of control and calm. But the day I walked briskly across campus thinking only about how thin my thighs could be, ignoring everything else around me, that was the day I decided I needed to stop. I went to confession, asked my friends to keep me accountable, and stopped.
And so just like I had turned it on I turned it off. Over the years I would be tempted to do it again. I'd binge eat something - usually because of stress - and then stare into the toilet. Sometimes I gave in to the temptation, usually not.
And then I had a baby girl and I never, ever wanted her to ever learn to hate how she looked so much that she'd do anything it took to feel beautiful. I never wanted her to learn to binge and purge like me. I wanted - want - her and her sister to know that they is gorgeous on so many levels, perfect and lovely and beautiful.
My daughters will never hear me vomit my cake into a toilet. Never.
I just wish I could control my stress eating, my emotional eating, my binge eating. I'm working on it.
|Pardon my French.|
Maybe in the end this is me sharing my demon hoping you'll pray for me or encourage me or just be really nice to me.