Saturday, July 28, 2012

what he said

You can think I'm wrong, I can think you're wrong, and that doesn't mean you're anti-Christian or that I'm anti-gay.  It also doesn't mean that we can't be civil or friendly or that I can't love you and deeply care about you and you me.  

And yes, I am judging.  You are too.  And that's okay.  People are entitled to their opinions and as long as you have formed yours after a lot of careful consideration I will respect your opinion, even though I may think it's wrong.  I am judging that your opinion, and maybe even the way you live your life, is wrong.  And you are judging that my opinion and probably the faith that guides my life are wrong.

I know a lot of people who do/believe things that I judge to be wrong:
- my children who think that Dora is a good show
- friends who lived together before they were married
- my dad who doesn't like pie
- married friends who contracept
- loved ones who enjoy listening to techno
- couples who get married outside, especially in the summer (really this should be at the top of my list)

But to the owners and CEOs of companies whose products I enjoy, I don't care what you think!  I don't want to know your opinion.  Or, as Steve Skojec said, 
"As your customer, I want to buy your products or services, NOT your ideology."
Steve's take on the whole Oreo, Chick-Fil-A, Starbucks, Amazon, and whoever else thing is exactly what I think, too.  You can read the rest of his article here, if you'd like.

Friday, July 27, 2012

7 quick takes

1 - Happy Friday!

2 - Yesterday a reporter from the ABC affiliate in Springfield, IL came to the house for an interview.  I was a little nervous since I am never sure how the secular media will represent the Church so I was completely delighted when I opened my door and immediately recognized the reporter.  We have a mutual friend and so I had heard of him, seen his picture, and knew he is a solid Catholic.  God is so good!

3 - I'm excited about the Olympics but I'm also a little confused - the countdown on the official London Olympic website says the opening is in 5 hours (I'm writing this at 9:30 am).  So I guess I'll just be ready at 2 and leave NBC on for the rest of the day!

4 - Easiest baby ever.   Two months, completely adorable.  She fell asleep while playing.

5 - Check out all the school supplies for Diane's Garden!  People are so generous!

6 - Cute pictures of the kiddos:
Lydia with Sr. Marie Noelle, O.P.  It was a great trip and I'll post more about it next week.  I'll tell you about how I scared a couple of nuns and tips for keeping my 4 year old happy during an 8 hour car ride.

Bennet and his trains.

James and his cute, cheesy smile.

My sweet little Teresa.

7 - Travis goes back to work in two weeks!  Two weeks!  I am not ready for him to be gone and it's probably time I start working on a routine so things are easier when he's gone.  Summer always goes so quickly.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

31 Things

Some bloggers I love recently had birthdays and marked those days making lists of the things they wanted to do in the upcoming year.  I thought I'd jump on that bandwagon for my 31st birthday so here goes:

31 things I want to do in the next year:

1 - Lose another 45lbs.

2 - Run an 8 minute mile.

3 - Memorize the morning offering and pray it each and every day.

4 - Read more to my kids.

5 - Read more for myself.

6 - Spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every day, even if it's just 5 minutes.

7 - Get down and play on the floor more.

8 - Mop more often.

9 - Go to Adoration.

10 - Find out the "love language" of the people I care most about and make sure I use it.

11 - Go for more walks.

12 - Arrange to spend time with my Mom without the kids.

13 - Clean out my closet.

14 - Own less stuff.

15 - Stop worrying about how people perceive me online. 

16 - Go to a concert.

17 - Share James' story with more people.

18 - Find ways to tighten our budget to get rid of debt.

19 - Look into parochial school for Lydia's kindergarten.

20 - Homeschool pre-school for Lydia doing school three times a week.

21 - Find more ways to honor Travis.

22 - Write James' story.

23 - Eat at McDonalds less.

24 - Spend more time with my grandparents.

25 - Write more letters to my friends in convents.

26 - Try new recipes.

27 - Cook with fresh produce.

28 - Buy a quarter of a cow from a local farmer.  (Anyone wanna go in on this with us?)

29 - Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet more and teach it to my kids.

30 - Drink more water every day.

31 - Enjoy having a baby.

Friday, July 20, 2012

7 quick takes

1 - This song is a part of the soundtrack to my childhood.  My mom had the 45 record and we'd listen to it over and over again.  I still love this song.  Do you remember it?

2 - I have a new post up at Ignitum Today called "The Kitchen Is My Mission Field".  Here's a little sample:
It’s true that there are some pretty shallow reasons why I have never gone on a mission trip.  First of all, they usually take place somewhere hot and sunny.  I hate being hot and I hate the sun.  I’m paler than Jim Gaffigan and so there’s no way I’m going to have my skin burn because I sweat off all my sunblock.  Secondly, while I have a basic knowledge of how to use power tools that does not mean I should be building anyone a home.  I can barely assemble a bookshelf from Target let alone a roof.  Lastly, I’m lazy.

Please head on over to Ignitum Today to read the rest!

3 - If you missed my interview on the Drew Mariani show you can listen to it by going to their archives here.  I was interviewed during the 3 o'clock hour on Friday, July 13.  My part starts around 3:30.  It was a lot of fun to do the interview, although as I sat and waited for them to call me I was so nervous I almost began to cry.  Some prayers to the Holy Spirit definitely helped although it still took me the first 10 minutes to work all the "um"s out. 

4 - Speaking of me sharing James' story, I have gotten a few more invites to speak at parishes and other events.  I'm really excited about this opportunity and if you are also interested please feel free to email me.  You can find my email address and some basic information on my presentation under the top right tab.

5 - We have two awesome events coming up.  The first is an annual party that reunites our friends from the St. Francis Newman Center where Travis and I met.  The second is Sr. Marie Noelle's profession of final vows with the Nashville Dominicans.  Sister and I were close friends in college but I haven't seen her since she professed first vows six years ago.  I just had to share the good news because I'm so happy to be able to do these things.  God is so good.

6 - I am not taking James to Nashville and I feel a little worried that the nuns may be disappointed that the "miracle baby" did not come to them.  I do not want to disappoint a nun but the fear of a miserable trip courtesy of my 22 month old son is more powerful.

7 - My heart goes out to the people who were killed or injured at the shooting at the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado.  Many prayers are being offered!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

School supplies for kids who need them

Diane Spialek was a life long educator and a wonderful woman.  She could also bake one heckofa pistachio cake.  In her memory her children and husband started Diane's Garden, an organization that collects school supplies and distributes them to children in need.

Larry, Diane's husband, is a friend of mine and I am excited to work with him and gather school supplies for a family I know personally.  Wanna join me?

Right now crayons, folders, pencils, and all the rest of it are on sale.  You can get a box of crayons for less than 50 cents!  But if you have four kids in school and your spouse is laid off then four boxes of crayons plus 20 notebooks and 6 boxes of kleenexes and 30 packages of #2 pencils and gym shoes and bookbags and registration fees, and combination locks - well, it all adds up to a lot of money.  A lot.

Now through the end of the of July I will be collecting school supplies to donate to Diane's Garden.  You can drop items off at my house, bring them to me at church, or arrange for me to pick them up from you by emailing me at bonnie fandel at g mail dot com. 

I have a list of needed items below.  Please grab one or two of them the next time you're at the store and help out this really great cause! 

It'll be fun!

**UPDATE** The first five items plus the crayons have all been purchased!  Thanks for the support - let's keep it going!
7 packages of #2 pencils
5 packages of mechanical pencils with extra lead
2 packages of pencil top erasers
5 wide-lined spiral notebooks, 70 page count (no more than 100 page count)
5 college ruled spiral notebooks
1 package blue ink pens
2 large boxes of Kleenex
2 boxes of 12 count Crayola colored pencils
1 box of crayons (24 count)
1 box of washable thick markers
1 Expo Dry Erase marker
1 large container of disinfectant wipes
2 red ink pens
1 one inch 3 ring binder
2 pink bevel erasers
4 glue sticks
1 12oz bottle of hand sanitizer
1 yellow think highlighter
5 plain pocket folders - one each in red, orange, yellow, green, and blue

Monday, July 16, 2012

a sad day for central Illinois

Today there are a lot of people who are very sad here in central Illinois.

Today my friend Lisa and her family are moving back to Colorado. 

Personally, my sadness is mixed with regret.  Lisa lived 25 minutes away, which isn't very far really, and so I should have seen her more.  My Lydia loves her Ellie and I love her sense of humor, devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe, honesty, and homemade salsa. 

Lisa, there is always text messages and Facebook, but they will not suffice I am sure.  I will still miss you and the way you look at people with true compassion when they are sharing their pain and the way you look at me like I'm crazy and you're not sure what to do with me.

Lisa, Paul, E, M, and Q - the Engstroms will miss you A LOT.  We wish you safe travels, fun adventures, financial security, good schools, a wonderful parish, lots of new friends, health, and all of God's blessings.

Love, Bonnie, Travis, L, B, J, and T

Sunday, July 15, 2012

for Pete's sake

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box.  Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.
It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!

Friday, July 13, 2012

some things from the pope
Then there was Fulton Sheen who would fascinate us in the evenings with his talks;
“the miracles of Christ are not a display of power, but signs of the love of God, which is made present where it encounters the faith of man,”

Thursday, July 12, 2012

7 quick takes

1 - This song makes me happy.  :)

2 - Right now there's not a lot of talking going on about the Legionaries of Christ but I'm very interested in the progress they are hopefully making.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, a couple of years ago the Vatican asked for a major clean-up of the organization when some very scandalous, sad facts were learned about the Legion and its founder.  My bishop has asked that no one join them until their house is in order, and I'm not interested in doing so, but I do have friends who are involved and so I am hoping for the best for the sake of my friends. 

Anyways I saw this article in the Washington Post and wanted to share in case anyone else was wondering what's going on with the Legionaries: "Vatican says disgraced Legion of Christ needs a new identity".

3 - When we had Lydia my mom told me we had a difficult baby.  She cried all the time and she did not sleep.  When we had Bennet he was a lot easier.  Sometimes he fussed but for the most part making him happy was pretty easy.  James had a special set of difficulties but when it came to his personality he was pretty laid back and easy to deal with.  He was easier than Bennet but only by a little bit.  Now that we have Teresa I must say that I thought I knew what an easy baby was but I had NO idea.  I am finally experiencing the "babymoon" that I've heard so many moms talk about!  It's amazing and wonderful!  She smiles, she coos, she naps, she naps in the swing, she falls asleep on her own in the crib, she doesn't seem to have food allergies, she nurses well, she sleeps for 10 hours straight!  Please do not hate me, I think that after everything we went through with Lydia and James we deserved a reward for being open to life.

4 - Speaking of all my kids... Two friends stopped by to visit our family last Sunday.  The guys, Brian and Ben, are single and in their early-mid twenties.  They were present for bedtime and things were a little rough so I jokingly said to them, "This is how priests are made."  Brian, who was in seminary for awhile, then told us that in seminary they called such situations "cele-boosters". 
Now that's funny.

4.5 - Brian is a musician up in Minnesota.  Check him out and Like him on Facebook.  It was really loud when he was telling me about his budding music career but it's something like someone is interested in working with him in the studio but they want to see if people will listen to his music... or something.  Brian, correct me in the combox.  But everyone else go Like Brian K. on FB.
5 - At 3:30 central time today I will be doing a live (EEEK!) radio interview with Drew Mariani on Relevent Radio.  You can listen live online here.  Please pray for me and that my nerves don't have me making up words, stumbling to answer questions, and using poor grammar.  Thank you!

6 - Also, my husband and I were recently told of a boy who is suffering from a very, very rare and horrible condition.  Please pray for this boy, M, and his parents. 

7 - Lastly, I'm joining my friend Larry in honoring his late wife by collecting school supplies to donate to children in need.  I'll be posting more information about Diane's Garden next week but in the meantime, grab an extra set of pencils, crayons, or notebooks while you're out shopping for your own kids.

live radio interview Friday

Hi friends!

I am honored to be a guest on The Drew Mariani Show on Relevant Radio tomorrow, Friday the 13th, at 3:30pm CST.   I'll be talking about our family's involvement in Venerable Sheen's cause for canonization.

If you don't have Relevant Radio in your area you can listen online at

Thanks for your prayers, love, and support.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

a beautiful little adoption post

My friend Margaret and her husband have been on a very long road to being parents and their journey is almost over.  They were blessed bring home a cute little baby boy six months ago and all the paperwork is nearly done.  When I read her post "the end is nigh" I teared up a little bit.  They are wonderful parents and I am so grateful to the birthmother who courageously chose life in so many ways.

Please check out Margaret's post and say a little prayer that all goes well in these last steps of the adoption process.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

flux capacitors and t-shirts

In my post "The wait was well worth it" I mention my flux capacitor t-shirt and I've been wanting to share a funny story related to that shirt.

First, the the history of that shirt.  When I was in college I did a summer internship in San Francisco at 826 Valencia, a non profit writing center that encourages kids to write and read and also offers free tutoring.  826 Valencia was founded by author Dave Eggers and at the time the same building that housed 826 also housed McSweeney's Publishing.  So I was surrounded by hipsters.

One day a couple of high school boys came in (they were being mentored or something) and one of them was wearing a t-shirt that he had made that said "flux capacitor".  Because I grew up loving Back to the Future I loved this shirt because, as we all know, the flux capacitor is what makes time travel possible.  Or so Doc Brown says.

So when I came home from SF I bought me some iron on letters and a light blue t-shirt and made myself a shirt that said "flux capacitor".  I only did it because I loved it and I really thought that no one but my brothers would get the reference.  I was wrong.  Guys loved that shirt.  And when I explained to them why I was wearing a shirt that said "flux capacitor" (answer: because it makes time travel possible) they would buy me drinks, ask for my number, and so on.

And then I fell in love with a super awesome guy and got married.  Travis had never seen Back to the Future and didn't care about my shirt.  He just thought it was weird but we never really talked about it.  One day my husband, a bit of a gear head, told me that the flux* capacitor in our car had gone out and I was shocked. 

"What do you mean?!"

"I mean it doesn't work any more."

"Our car has one?!"

"Yes," he said slowly.  "Do you know what a flux* capacitor does?"

"It makes time travel possible!!!!"

"No it doesn't."  And then he probably told me what a flux* capacitor really does and I probably didn't understand him.

And so in the end my t-shirt only impressed guys who really didn't matter and made me look like an idiot in front of the one guy who does.  But it makes for a funny story.

UPDATD TO SHOW YOU HOW DITZY I REALLY AM!  Travis just told me that there is no such thing as a flux capacitor and so it was just a simple "capacitor" that was out in our car.  So when he told me some capacitor didn't work in the car I assumed it was a flux capacitor and he would have never used that word.  But it's okay... you did notice how I tagged this "I'm an idiot", right?

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Soooooooooooo, I went to an orphanage in Mexico this summer for a mission trip and was sitting on a toilet, pooping (of course) in 100 degree weather, and I started to sing. As I sang a low E flat (approximately 77.7817 Hz), my melodious singing became instantly louder. I screamed to myself (in my head) "RESONANCE!!!!! I LEARNED THIS IN PHYSICS WITH MR. E!" So naturally, I had to clue you in to my findings. I can officially say that I went to Mexico, and found the natural frequency of a stall that I was pooping in. Thank you Mr. E.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

7 quick takes

1 - I wanted to post a song to go with the heat.  Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" is just a little too peppy.  So I went with Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" which is nice and slow and thick.  I thought it fit.

2 - Thursday was a pie baking day at my house.  Remember when I said I needed to make some money to pay for a trip so I could see my friend profess final vows with the Nashville Dominicans?  Well, my mom is often hired by local women to bake home made pies for certain events.  One such event (an ice cream social at the park) is tonight and we baked four apple pies and one blueberry pie for $8 each.  Every little bit helps!

3 - Here's what we did on the 4th of July:
We made red, white, and blue skewers.  The kids mostly ate marshmallows and complained about how they don't like blueberries.
I did all the prep work and made mine while they were still in quiet time.  By getting all my ridiculous perfectionist tendencies out of the way I was able to let the kids just enjoy themselves.

Thank you, Pinterest.

I tried to get a cute picture of my four awesome kids.  This is as good as it got.

I ate waaaaaay too many patriotic rice krispie treats.
Another thanks to Pinterest here.

Travis set off fireworks and the kids held hands while they watched.  I think it was one part excitement, one part fear, and one part safety.

Poor Lydia momentarily forgot all the warnings and reminders and touched a recently extinguished sparkler. Here's a picture of our little burn victim holding her injured hand in ice water while her daddy holds her ice cream.  It's cute.

4 - One of my favorite sites to visit is Big Pulpit.  Every day Tito Edwards posts links to the best Catholic blog articles out there.  Along with National Catholic Register, I check out Big Pulpit almost every day.  I just wanted to share it in case you hadn't heard of it yet.  Enjoy! 

5 - Let's take a moment to appreciate how cute my little Teresa Marie is...

Six weeks and so, so sweet!

6 - Tomorrow our good friends, and Teresa's godparents, are getting married.  Travis and I are so happy for them and we're so excited to share in their joyous day.  Yay for MVV and Liz!
We love you!

7 - This one's for R, who left a sympathetic message for Travis in my comment box.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July!

I am proud to be an American and there are so many things I love about this country - I thought I'd type up a list:

rock and roll, beer, beaches, mountains, apple pie, peach pie, baseball, football, the Super Bowl, redwood forests, fresh sourdough bread in San Francisco, fold over pizza out East, deep dish pizza in Chicago, fried chicken, McDonald's french fries, southern peaches, corn on the cob from the garden, Simon and Garfunkel, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Stewart, Archbishop Sheen, family farms, cold watermelon on a hot day, hot cocoa on a snowy day, snow days, beer from all over the world, warm chocolate chips cookies, cookie exchanges, fireworks, fireflies, butterflies, cooking meals for families, sprinkler parks, Batman, the Declaration of Independence, how the histories of so many other countries play into and build the history of our country, buffalo, the Wild West, Boston accents, southern accents, public education, the Midwest, PBS, Broadway, small town festivals, lemon shake-ups, three branches of government, open elections, Oprah, the American Dream.

When I asked Bennet what he loves about being an American he said, "the mailman".
Lydia said, "a princess".
Travis, who was in another room and didn't really hear the question, said, "the fireworks".

What about you?  Leave a note telling me some of the things you love about the USA.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

love song link up

Over at Betty Beguiles Hallie is hosting a little love song link up where she invited her readers to post about their favorite love songs.  Taking a slightly different twist on the matter I thought I'd post the songs that make me think of the people in my family.  They're love songs, just not the romantic kind.

The first dance at our wedding reception was to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of What a Wonderful World and that song is special to me.  But I still consider this "our song."


A lot of the things Sara lists in this song are things Peter never got the chance to lose.  But even though he lost his life he cannot lose my love.


This song came out right around the time of Lydia's birth.  Every time I heard it I thought of my little girl, this new soul trying to figure things out in the world and I was given the blessing of leading her by the hand.  So lovely.


This song came out around the time of Bennet's birth.  Looking at my great big baby boy as he grew into the charmer he is - it is undeniable that there is a Creator behind the miracle that is life.

There were so many times I sang this song to James while he was in the NICU and I still sing it to him as a lullaby at times.  The lyric, "with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go" made my heart ache, especially when we were still looking at the possibility of James having a rather short and very disabled life.  Take away all the grief and jubilation and he would still be my sweet baby James.


The chorus of this song was the first thing I sang to my new baby girl when I held her in my arms.  Even the first time I heard it I touched my belly and thought of her.  It's so fantastic how God places just the right people together.

Monday, July 2, 2012

some quick takes on a Monday

1 - So the BIG, super duper exciting news (which you've probably already heard) is that the Sheen Foundation will be submitting James' story as the official alleged miracle for Venerable Sheen's beatification.  So a group of experts (doctors and theologians) will review the alleged miracle.  If they can't find any holes in the case they will send it up to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints.  Once that group of Bishops and Cardinals review it they will (hopefully) approve it and send it up to the Pope.  Pope Benedict will then read about my homebirth, James baptism, the trip to the ER, his coming back to life, and all our prayers.  And then he will maybe approve the alleged miracle as a true miracle.  Talk about surreal!

2 - The picure above is from the Chicago Tribune (It was taken by a wonderful freelance photographer named Ben.  Ben hung out at our house for a few hours the other day and true to his word, the stains in my carpet cannot be seen in the picture.) 

You can read the Tribune's article about Sheen and James here.  You can read the article in the New York Times here.  In our opinion the Tribune's article is better.  They summarize much more acurately what happened to James and they don't make me sound like a single mother.

3 - When I read the Times article for the second time I noticed two things:  They don't mention Travis and they refer to me as Ms. Engstrom.  I HATE being called "Ms."  In my (perhaps small and judgemental little) mind that title is appropriate for divorcees and unmarried feminists.  I am neither, and I want my husband to be recognized even if it is through my title of "Mrs."  Being Mrs. Engstrom doesn't make me feel old - it is a title that shows respect for me and my marriage.  End rant.

4 - Jennifer Fulwiler wrote a good piece on Gotye's song Somebody That I Used to Know over at the Register.  She mentions my post, "The wait was well worth it" - which is awesome.  Simcha and Jen, two giants of the Catholic blogosphere, giving me love at the Register. 

5 - Let's go back to that picture for a moment.  James looks awesome.  I look fat, which I am and I knew that, but it was sad for me to see how bad I really look.  At 6 weeks post partum I weigh 13lbs less than what I weighed when I became pregnant with Teresa and I'm almost half way to reaching my first goal.  That's a really big deal and I need to be proud of myself about that... but it was still pretty demoralizing to see the picture.  Losing weight is hard - made even more so by my love of sugar and my desire to not effect my milk supply.  So... I don't know... cheer me on in the comment box or something.  Thanks.

6 -  And this is funny:

What are you reading?

Nancy at the Catholic Post Book Group starts each month by asking her readers what they're reading. I thought I'd share my answers here:

What are you reading? The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien and I'm still slowly working my way through Letters to a Young Catholic by George Wiegel and The Lamb's Supper by Scott Hahn.

What do you like best about them? I like that The Lamb's Supper is easy to read and that it's reiterating a lot of things I've heard or read before. It's good to be reminded of these things or else I'll lose them, like the ability to do algebra equations.

I like the depth and perspective that Wiegel offers in Letters. I also like that he takes us around the world in the book.

The Hobbit is my favorite that I'm reading now. I've never read it before though I grew up watching the trippy 70's cartoon movie and I'm really, really excited about Peter Jackson's version that's coming out in December. Tolkien's storytelling is so engaging and endearing and it's very easy for me to be drawn in to the story. I feel like I'm leaving this life and entering Middle Earth each time I pick it up and sometimes that's exactly what I need - to not feel overwhelmed but to be swept away with adventure. When James came home from the hospital I read through the Narnia books and I felt the same way about them. I think there's something about a good book that lets you process emotions and thoughts in ways that academic books or even movies don't. Even though I'm not able to sit and read it for long periods of time (it's usually 15 mintues here or there while I nurse) I'm going through it pretty quickly because I'm loving it so much.

What do you like least about them? Letters and Lamb's Supper engage my head and a little my heart but they're not stories. I've actually been reading Letters for over a year and Lamb's Supper has been at least seven months. They don't engage my heart the way The Hobbit does and because it was taking me so long to read them I began to wonder if I even like reading any more. That really troubled me since I used to devour books but once I thought back to reading the Narnia books I realized that I needed a story.

The only thing I don't like about The Hobbit is that the edition I'm reading is old and a little brittle. I have to hold it in one hand while I nurse so it's hard to read the top of the pages because they're not spread enough and the bottom of the book's binding is starting to split a little. I know, first world problem...

What's next on your list to read? Ummm... definitely not Fifty Shades of Grey. Does it gross anyone else out how women are not at all embarrassed to talk about how they read that erotica novel?  I don't want to read on Facebook, watch on tv, listen to on the radio, or see on Pinterest how you're engaging in something that's basically porn, people. You can call me a prude but I feel bad for your husband every time you talk about Christian Grey.