I've been in a funk since early November.
I keep getting online and feeling let down by people. People complaining and saying stupid, mean things and losing their tempers and being selfish and so damn snarky I want to beg them fortheloveofallthatsholy to just shut up.
And I keep waking up every morning and trudging through the day and going to bed at night and feeling so let down by myself. Disappointed in my complaining and saying stupid, mean things and losing my temper and being selfish and so damn judgemental I want to just go back to bed so I can stop it.
Today I took my kids to McDonald's for lunch, not because we had the money but because I wanted to get out of the house and drink a diet Dr. Pepper. Because today, if I was a nanny, I would have quit my job.
I mean, how many times can a kid with diaper rash shart?! And how many times do I have to tell a 4 year old that she doesn't get to watch hours of tv every morning and every afternoon and her putting her hands on her hip is not going to change my mind? And how many times do I have to flippin explain that Spring comes after Winter and we are still in Winter and before her 5th birthday we'll have to celebrate Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, and the birth of a new cousin? And how many times do I have to ask the boys to not drop DVDs all over the living room floor like its a landmine in a war zone?
And there I was complaining again.
Lately I have baked cookies and made yummy dinners and done crafts with my kids and actually bathed them. I've sat on the couch and read book after book after winter-themed book because I am a good mom who rotates books so that they always go with the season/holiday.
But my temper is this (-) short and I've been getting meaner and meaner to my kids. I do this - yell and roar and say mean, cutting things - when I am tired and run down and just plain tired. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like I'm tired physically tired but even more so I'm tired on the inside, in all the nooks and crannies of my heart and soul and mind and will.
I keep thinking, "I hate what I'm doing," and then I say out loud, "Damnit! What the hell are you doing? I hate being a mom," in one of my bursts of anger because someone has put a diaper in the toilet again and someone else has crushed crackers into the carpet again while someone else is whining that they are hungry again and I just want everyone to shush and play nicely and let me pleasepleaseplease drink some tea and not be touched or spoken to for a good long two hours.
I loved what Rebecca said here but I know I'm not struggling now because I'm "should-ing all over myself." I have some ideas about why things are so tough for me right now and one is physical. Jen talked about something similar here. But I suspect that, much like Kate, I am suffering because I'm distancing myself from God right now. I'm still doing my morning offering and praying for the long list of others' intentions, but I need something deeper and more conversational. I also need the Sacraments, most especially confession.
Abigail wrote so beautifully "I think the hardest thing about stay-at-home motherhood is the mental cross. It's not the pregnancy. It's not the nursing. It's the nakedness of being alone with the Infant Jesus, day in and day out--no distractions. No award dinners. No funny jokes with co-workers around the water cooler. Day in, day out. Intimacy with God."
Man, did she ever nail it. And why is this so hard for me? Why do I fight letting go of everything - the anger and frustrations and selfish tendencies that, when acted upon, just leave me bitter? Why can't I just run to God and throw Him my brokenness and beg Him to fix/love/help/bless me? Perhaps I am that pigheaded. Perhaps I am that stupid. Perhaps I am that human.
But my kids deserve so much better and I want them to be happy and feel loved. Despite my stupid words I love being a mom and I am so grateful for each child God has given me. I actually love my life, it's such a shame that my attitude doesn't reflect that right now.
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