With many posts lined up to write but no time to write them I thought I'd dig deep in the archives (but not too deep because a lot of that stuff is crap) and re-post an oldie from October 2009 that I'm not embarrassed about.
Last time I met with my spiritual director we talked about my relationship with the Person of Christ and I was told to continue to ponder it until we meet again. And here's why: I don't really have one. I used to, but not any more.
I'm sure this sounds horrible to hear from a self-proclaimed "devout Catholic", or maybe it proves everything you've ever thought about us Catholics. ;) Before I got married, though, I had a great relationship with Christ. I fully understood him as my Bridegroom and I was in love. Prayer was easy and Adoration was a joy - seeing Him face to Face. I read Song of Songs with Him in mind and every Mass was a reminder of the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. But then, well, I suppose He got replaced. (Doesn't that sound horrible?) Slowly we drifted away since I now had a Bridegroom in the flesh and I wasn't quite sure how to have that kind of relationship with two men. I'm still not sure.
Today in my life I revere Christ as Savior and King. I worship our Eucharistic Lord. I still see Him as a great comfort and I pray to be hidden within His wounds, the Fount of His Mercy. And I love Him in these ways, some of which are quite personal, yet as Friend, Lover, every day Companion there is something lacking.
But here's the thing, I actually feel like I have a great relationship with God the Father, and I'm quite drawn to God the Spirit. So the way I see it, I'm still doing okay with God. I think it's because at this point in my life I identify with Father more as motherhood has shown me how frustrating it must be to be God. Motherhood has made me understand Childhood. And I call on the Holy Spirit much more now than I ever have in the past.
So is this just a phase? Will I "return" to Christ as my Main Man?
And what about you? Have you noticed a similar change in your spiritual life? And do you have any tips or ideas for me?
As a bit of a follow-up I wanted to say that in the years since I wrote this post I have found deep comfort in the arms of Christ, hidden in His wounds, joining in His suffering, worshiping Him as my God, honoring Him as my Savior. Much like my marriage, the loss of the initial giddiness left me wondering what was wrong but soon enough I discovered that my relationship had more trust, more fidelity, and more love than it ever had before. I just couldn't recognize it because I'd never experienced such a mature love before. And interestingly, this icon is called "Christ the Bridegroom."
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