December 10, 2014

A sudden retreat and a re-entry

Last Friday afternoon I stood in my kitchen and a post from a fellow blogger caught my eye. It was a wonderful post, well crafted and cleverly promoted, and I just thought to myself, "Why am I even doing this?" (This meaning blogging.)

I instantly felt discouraged, disappointed, embarrassed - humiliated even - and a little broken-hearted. I had an overwhelming need to retreat and so right then and there I deactivated my Facebook account and made my blog private. It was a completely spontaneous decision but it didn't take very long for me to see that it was a good one. I didn't know why I felt the way I did but it was obvious that I had some sorting out to do.

If you emailed, called, texted, tweeted, or in some other way reached out to ask me what was up, to tell me you were concerned, to let me know that you were praying for me - thank you. I did a lot of praying and thinking and I sincerely think your prayers helped with mine.

On Saturday I went on a walk to mull it all over and clear my head. I asked God to help me name specifically what caused the hurt and the need to retreat since I knew that such a strong reaction was not coming from something as small as a moment of blogging discontent.

On that walk the root of it all hit me; I named it; and a weight so incredibly heavy I was shocked to feel it lifted off my shoulders and floated to the sky. There it was.

This doesn't mean that the issue is gone; it's not.  I still need to work through it and the emotions that accompany it but it is so not oppressive any more. Also, now that I know it I can see what I need to do about it. But that's still going to take some time.

If you were on IG, you got the message. 

While my blog and Facebook were shut down I celebrated some feast days, cleaned my house, sat in silence, read a book, talked to friends, and had a really fruitful holy hour. I went back and read through all the responses from that readers' survey I did a few months back. I thought long and hard about why I blog and what I hope to give and get from it. I played around with some design things and had a lot of fun doing it. I reminded myself that blogging is a hobby and that if I'm not enjoying it I can just set it aside.

That little break, just a few days of privacy and hiding, was enough for me. So here we are, back in the blogosphere, ready to have fun.

25 comments:

  1. Bonnie, I am so glad to see you posting again. I have been following your blog for over a year but I am one of those that never comments. Thank you for teaching me so much about B. Fulton Sheen.

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  2. I am glad that you are feeling rejuvenated and that you are posting again! :)

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  3. Welcome back! You were missed...and you are loved.

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  4. I am so glad you are back and feeling better! I will keep praying for you! You are one of my 'read daily' (well, almost) and I missed you!

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  5. So glad you're back, Bonnie. :) And I love what you have done with your blog design! It's beautiful!

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  6. I'm so glad to see you back! I was worried.

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  7. Bonnie - I love the new design! Oh and not all of us (okay, I can actually only speak for myself) are looking for "cleverly promoted" posts. I know, I know, it can serve a purpose, but I think of blogging as mostly having a conversation with friends and I can't imagine one of my friends needing to "promote" themselves in order for me to want to spend time with them. I love my blogging friends for the glimpses of their lives that they do share with me and although I don't always have time to comment or even read, because you know…umm life…I love being able to check back in and get caught back up. I don't know if any of this is making sense, but Katharine just woke up (oh the saga of trying to get a 4 month old to nap…and well…this will have to do. Crying kid takes priority.) Love you and your heart of gold!!

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  8. So glad you are back! I read your blog all the time, but rarely ever comment. I was a little freaked out that you had gone private and I didn't know how to get on the "in" list! Glad you are feeling better.

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  9. Yours is one of my favorite blogs because I feel like you strike such a good balance of being inspirational but also "real". I feel like most blogs are either too much about the hardships of Catholic motherhood or everything is always perfect and I feel like I can't relate. I was telling my husband that you're one of the bloggers I really would like to meet in person.

    Anyway...please, if you go on retreat again, at least put up a post that you're okay. I was worried too :)

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  10. Glad to see you back so soon. When I found everything shut down on Monday, I was worried something terrible had happened. I hunted you down on Twitter (I don't have a Twitter account) just to make sure everything was alright. Feel free to take a break whenever, but give us a heads-up next time. :D

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  11. You know what's funny- is I am pretty selective about the blogs I read and engage with. Otherwise it can get real weird, real fast (for me). And I'm not just saying this to say it- yours is filled with such an authenticity that I find refreshing. I was sad about the IG message because of this and so glad to see you back. The thing is- the above blog is what I most about a knotted life. Real, vulnerable and helpful to other moms on the journey! Thanks Bonnie

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  12. Glad to see you back...praying for you as you discern next steps...I like your new design! Thanks for your blog, I definitely look forward to reading it:)

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  13. I am glad you are back! You are teaching me about the Catholic faith. Thank you for being open to us readers who don't know you!

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  14. Glad you didn't stay away long! I have just recently started reading your blog and I too love it's authenticity.

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  15. Welcome back!! I noticed your sudden retreat and am glad you are back.

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  16. Hi Friend, Glad to see you back at it!

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  17. Yayyy! So glad you're back (selfish of me, much?). I really heart you! Continued prayers for whatever it is that has been troublesome, but meanwhile, your new additions to your blog design are lovely! Glad you were able to have a fruitful little retreat, too. :)

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  18. Sudden retreats are the way to go. When you know it's time to do it, DO IT! So glad you heard that voice. I won't say that I selfishly missed you and was dying to look at a few posts in your archives that had been on my mind. Nope, I won't say that ;)

    Anyway, praying for you still. And, just a reminder, I love your hobby and how you do it :)

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  19. I'm glad you're back. I figured you needed a break :)

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  20. Glad you're back. And the updated design looks great!

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  21. I'm glad you're back, Bonnie :) And I love your new design! The new sidebar pic of you is lovely.

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  22. Good to see you back, Bonnie! Was thinking about you <3

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  23. So glad you're back! I noticed when your blog went private. I figured it was a mistake or a glitch. :-)

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  24. Aha! I was so confused when the "sorry you are not authorized to view this webpage" message kept appearing. I kept thinking, "surely this is not right!" Thanks for explaning, and much respect to your decision...now and in the future. We'll have you when you're ready!

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