October 1, 2008

The Big Thing that I can't let go of.

There is a Big Thing in my life, mostly because I keep it here. It didn't originate in my life, it came from Travis'. And while he is done with it completely, I hang on to it. Tightly. White knuckled. Believe me, it takes a lot of energy to hold on to the Big Thing so well.

Travis doesn't really think about the Big Thing any more. He feels like it served its purpose and got him to where he was supposed to be: Catholic and happily married to me. In fact, he tells me the only times he does think about the Big Thing is when I bring it up.

And I do bring it up, in one way or another, at least once a week. But honestly, I think about it every day. At least once. every. single. day.

And when I hear the Big Thing referenced by others I wonder what Travis would be like if he hadn't let go of it. From a distance I can look at the Big Thing and see that we make his life very different. I wonder, is Travis really happier? He says yes.

But, and especially with all my struggles adjusting to motherhood, I don't always trust that. I am jealous of how long he had the Big Thing and how much he loved it while it was his.

To him it's a pretty Little Thing. I am the one who makes it Big by thinking of it so often. Yet, it's bigness is why I think of it so much. To me it is a large reference point in our lives. It makes me feel like I am not quite right or enough. In fact, the Big Thing is part of the cause of my struggles in adjusting to motherhood. Travis doesn't really care for the Big Thing too much any more, perhaps more so because of how I feel about it.

If you see us, Travis' arms are wide open; mine are clinging the very thing I hate the most.


  1. i don't have the foggiest what this big thing is, but it sounds hard. marriage can definitely be hard when you see things in a completely different light than your partner. maybe time will heal this wound?

  2. Bonnie..you are amazing, beautiful, and God has blessed you with such an abundance. I know how you feel when you can't let something go..it seems as though on the outside you have everything, but on the inside, you just feel empty and not worth anything at all. I don't know exactly what to tell you and how to make you feel better, but know that you are not alone when you feel like you aren't good enough. And maybe Trav did love that "thing", but maybe definitely not as much or in the same way as he loves You. You two have made a beautiful child...that is so amazing. Lydia is what has come from the love that you two have for eachother..what came out of the so called "love" that came out of Trav and the thing? Nothing but a path to God, and to You. This struggle won't go away over night...it might always be there in some way, but just try to think of all of the good things in your life, and how they completely out weight the bad things in your life. (Or the things that you make to be bad..which is what I do all the time)

    Love you and miss you!!!!