Last time I met with my spiritual director we talked about my relationship with the Person of Christ and I was told to continue to ponder it until we meet again. And here's why: I don't really have one. I used to, but not any more.
I'm sure this sounds horrible to hear from a self-proclaimed "devout Catholic", or maybe it proves everything you've ever thought about us Catholics. ;) Before I got married, though, I had a great relationship with Christ. I fully understood him as my Bridegroom and I was in love. Prayer was easy and Adoration was a joy - seeing Him face to Face. I read Song of Songs with Him in mind and every Mass was a reminder of the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. But then, well, I suppose He got replaced. (Doesn't that sound horrible?) Slowly we drifted away since I now had a Bridegroom in the flesh and I wasn't quite sure how to have that kind of relationship with two men. I'm still not sure.
Today in my life I revere Christ as Savior and King. I worship our Eucharistic Lord. I still see Him as a great comfort and I pray to be hidden within His wounds, the Fount of His Mercy. And I love Him in these ways, some of which are quite personal, yet as Friend, Lover, every day Companion there is something lacking.
But here's the thing, I actually feel like I have a great relationship with God the Father, and I'm quite drawn to God the Spirit. So the way I see it, I'm still doing okay with God. I think it's because at this point in my life I identify with Father more as motherhood has shown me how frustrating it must be to be God. Motherhood has made me understand Childhood. And I call on the Holy Spirit much more now than I ever have in the past.
So is this just a phase? Will I "return" to Christ as my Main Man?
And what about you? Have you noticed a similar change in your spiritual life? And do you have any tips or ideas for me?
*sigh*..yea..honestly..I feel completely messed up..sorry..no tips here...I think you are doing way better than I am..boo meReplyDelete
Bonnie, I'm so glad you wrote this! Thanks for being so honest. I can very much relate to what you've shared here. Since dating/being engaged/marriage, my relationship with God has changed. I understand what you said about Christ being the "Main Man" prior to marriage--I too was in love like that :) And now, well, it's just different. I know my husband's love for me is from Christ. I haven't abanndoned Him, but the love and worship is just different now. Admittedly, it's easier to have a man-in-the-flesh hug and comfort me than to spend time in prayer contemplating on Christ's love for me. What I'm currently mulling over, though, is the thought that this is ok. The differences in how we relate to the aspects of God's character/personhood. I'm starting to feel that it's one of those season situations--aspects of Him are more apparant to us at different times in our lives. I think you described it wonderfully when you talked about understanding God the Father better through motherhood. I haven't learned that one yet, girl! ;) Again, I'm so glad you shared this. It corresponding with my own thoughts and worries on this matter. I'd love to hear more as you journey through this!! Much love, Mindy :)ReplyDelete
I followed the same, seemingly natural, progression into marriage and motherhood, in terms of my relationship to God. I, too, miss close fellowship with the person of Jesus, but in the meantime have learned so much about God the Father and, like you, have come to call on and rely on the Holy Spirit more and more. I'm not sure if this is typical for most people, but that's my experience thus far. I look forward to having that sweet, refreshing relationship with Christ once again, though. All that being said, my entire relationship with God is not what it was when I was single. I simply don't have the time and attention to devote in the same manner that I did then, as I am using my time to sustain a household as well now.ReplyDelete
I basically feel how you feel and after discussing it with a friend who is 'farther' in life then us (married 10+ years, 5 children so far), she said the same idea about being close to different 'people' in different stages of our lives. I dont have the same friends I had in high school, and I won't have the same friends years from now when I have older children (although many I will :) ).ReplyDelete
I still keep in touch and have friends who aren't married or have children, but they are not my closest confidents and supporters at this stage in my life.
I still want to encourage and grow with the Son, but at times it is much easier to scream for help from the HS. On the other hand, the times I have been closest to Jesus have been through suffering. I try and think that his suffering was way worse then two spilled cups of milk with some tomato sauce mixed in. And, if He can suffer that much for ME, then surely He can help me through my daily struggles of loving my children. Even if it is more 'suffering' then 'love' on any given day. :)
anyways, I ramble, but hopefully you get the point. :)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You're ahead of me on this, for sure. I also had a good relationship with Christ before marriage. Now, like Veronica mentioned, I take comfort in hiding in His wounds. But that's as far as I get. I'd love to read something on the Holy Spirit, any suggestions? And thank you for mentioning your relationship with God the Father, I'm going to try to follow your lead on that.ReplyDelete