Today looked like a great day.
I remembered to turn the tv on in time for Super Readers.
I had my blood drawn for the pregnancy lab work.
I vacuumed the carpets, swept the fake hard wood, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and hand-washed the big pots and pans.
Ben took 2 successful naps.
L took 1 successful nap.
We went for a long walk, the kids and I.
L and I baked banana bread.
Ben, L and I prayed a Divine Mercy Chaplet at 3.
I had supper cooking when Trav came home from work.
We went to the gym and I worked out again.
I even had time to blog!
Instead of having the tv on throughout the afternoon the kids and I sang songs, read books and played with puzzles.
But I feel so crumby. I want to be super mom so badly and yet on a day when it should look like I succeeded I feel so empty. In fact, I feel overwhelmed. Not overwhelmed because of all the things we did, just anxious and like I'm not going to be able to do this. (Whatever "this" is...)
It's 8pm. The kids are in bed. I should brush my teeth, drink some water, read my Bible, pray in thanksgiving and get some sleep. We'll see what tomorrow brings. It is the solemnity of the Annunciation of the Lord.
so, why do you feel empty? what do you mean you aren't gonna be able to "do this?" sounded like you had a great day! you are awesome, and I'm praying for you.ReplyDelete
I totally understand! Rarely do I have those 'good' days, but when I do, I honestly don't enjoy them all that much. From the outside, I get proud of myself and make sure Ryan knows all that I accomplished that day. But, I really just feel overwhelmed, exhausted and dreadful of the next day, since I know I won't have the energy or willpower to have a 'good' day twice in a row - much less EVERY day. :-/ Why can't we just be happy with all the 'good' that we did? ugh.ReplyDelete
ps-what's 'super readers?' Are you talking about 'Super Why?' ;)ReplyDelete
during my pregnancy with Abraham, i was very hormonal and it made me feel anxious and overwhelmed a lot of the time. i don't mean to minimize how you feel by blaming hormones but the fear of adding another child to our family mixed with my raging hormones made for an emotional roller coaster during those months. just know that you are doing a great job, that God's grace IS sufficient for you, and that His strength is made perfect in your weakness.ReplyDelete
Veronica, Isn't the name of the show Super Readers? That's what they sing in the themesong. *shrug* I think Super Wy is Wyatt's Superhero name. But I'm not gonna go to PBS Kids and find any of this out, of course. :)ReplyDelete
Sarah, I did wonder if my hormones had something to do with it. But sometimes I think it might be bigger than biology, you know? I'm not sure how to distinguish.
And finally, I'd like to add that after writing this post I cleaned the bathroom and washed the diapers.
2 bible verses keep coming to my mind from a daily devotional. Something to think about, ponder, and treasure. He will lift you.ReplyDelete
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6 (NIV)
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11 (NIV)
On another note about emptiness (idea not solely my own, something to think about). We tend to look at things that are empty as bad things. For example, it's never fun to see a box of your favorite Cheez-its in the pantry and then stick your hand in to find that it's empty. What a bummer!
Maybe emptiness isn't so bad. When we are empty, we realize that only God can truly fill us. So maybe the emptiness is like being poor in spirit and scripture tells us that "theirs is the kingdom of heaven".
I can try until the cows come home to fill myself up or have others do it only to be sorely disappointed. If I'm so full of myself or others or the good things I did, I would have absolutely no room for God.
I'd like to think that the emptiness you feel *I feel it too* is really not "emptiness" as the world sees it, but a deep, unabiding desire to be full of the One who loves perfectly.