October 10, 2010

Setting Up the Pins

Let's start with being tired. That's how yesterday started for me - waking up tired.

And add to that a CPR class I had to take at the hospital in preparation for James' discharge. The class, which was well taught by a very friendly woman, made me feel anxious and afraid that I won't be able to care for my son. Which, let's be honest, is a fear I've had since the ambulance came.

So that's tired + anxious + fearful.

Then there was a fiasco in James' hospital room about how I was getting home and what car I would drive. I was not prepared for this. Under normal circumstances I like a plan going into situations and with the stress and emotions of the NICU I need a plan even more. I suddenly felt majorly stressed. I was then sent home on a hot day in a car with windows I couldn't roll down and broken AC.

Tired + anxious + fearful + stressed + hot.

When I got home to a son who wouldn't nap and little time to eat, feed my kids, and get dressed in time to head out for a bridal shower I felt angry. And then trying to find something to wear that was appropriate and cute, well, that was impossible.

Tired + anxious + fearful + stressed + hot + angry + fat = a bad mood I didn't shake for the rest of the day.

Which really sucks because I went to a Sara Groves concert last night. $10 bought me a ticket to my favorite singer's concert just 10 minutes from my house. She was funny and sweet and honest - like her songs. She is a wonderful pianist, storyteller, lyricist, and singer. I was so confident that the concert would be this great release for me, but I barely heard her songs because I was so grumpy. In fact, through most of the concert I felt disappointed more than anything else. Disappointed because I wasn't enjoying her performance as much as I had wanted because I was in such a bad mood.

I suppose that under the circumstances I am now living in having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day once a week isn't so bad. Right?

I think I need more sleep.


  1. Bonnie, I think what you were feeling was totally normal. It's so much easier to stress about the little things when you've had such big things to stress about. I think it falls into the straw that breaks the camel's back category. You're feeling in large part like you should just be grateful because James is alive, recovering, and not on a feed tube permanently, but what you really feel is annoyed about feeling hot, tired, and fat. All of which you might be able to overcome more easily if you hadn't just had a boatload of other stress on you. Guess what, you're human. Cut yourself a little slack, take a minute or two for yourself. Hope you have a better day tomorrow and that James is home soon.

  2. It's okay to feel all those things!! You are right! Just know you are doing a great job juggling everthing. The NICU is a roller coaster ride that no one ever wants to be on. You are an amazing mother and inspiration to all those who know you and who read your blog. God shines though you as you do his work and care for your family. Just be with your baby as much as you can, he is yours and knows you and needs you. You will always know just what to do to care for him, even when your feel overwhelmed. You are his mommy and you know best. God bless you!

  3. Ditto, Liz.
    Hope you've got a home health agency/phone # of on call M.D.s etc until you all get into a routine of James' care at home. I worked at St Jude's in Mphs for a number of yrs & we gave families the # of their case mgr to call 24/7, if need be. Families never really abused this...& things do settle down eventually.
    I belong to a woman's prayer grp that meets once a wk & we've been praying for James for the last several wks.

  4. Bonnie
    I am praying for you. I totally understand. I have those days and I am not in your shoes. I think it s called being a wife and mother.
    Hang in there.
    DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You are doning a FABULOUS job! Lori

  5. Bonnie, This is Aunt Nita and I agree with everyone above. You have just had a baby and there is enough emotional roller coaster that accompanies being a new Mom let alone everything that you have been through in the last 3 weeks. We are all so happy that James is alive and doing as well as he is but it's still very much an emotional yoyo for you because you are his Mom and you have two little ones at home that you want to be with. You are only one person and can only be stretched so thin. It's just too bad that you couldn't enjoy your concert that you were so looking forward too it would have been a positive thing in your life that you could have enjoyed. As far as your weight -- you have had 3 little ones pretty close -- you have been through a lot emotionally -- you are tired -- give yourself atleast six months before you start beating yourself up over this. You are a beautiful person no matter if you have a few extra curves than you would like. We love you. We pray for James and all of you to face all this extra burden that has been placed on you. God love you all!

  6. Just wanted you to know that we've still been thinking of you all and lifting you up. A candle has been lit for James' complete healing under St. Jude's statue in the Cathedral of St. Patrick in New York. Wherever we go, there you are in our thoughts and prayers.

    Those Landrys