January 15, 2013

for Pete's sake

Today is Peter Mark's due date.  Had he lived we'd be celebrating his 5th birthday.  Maybe not today, but January 15th is all I have.  I know that he died because of a chromosomal issue and he wouldn't have been able to live outside of the womb.  But I wish I could have carried him long enough to to have held and then buried his little body.  I still feel like such a failure because I couldn't bury him.
Peter's "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.
 In the comment box of a recent post I shared the following story.  It's something I imagine to explain why Peter died and it brings me comfort.  I thought I'd share it here, too.
While God was knitting my son in the quiet, secret place He told him that He would like to use his little brother to do a miracle. There could be several ways it could play out, but would Peter be willing to sacrifice something so it could play out in a certain way? And then I imagine God telling Peter that instead of being born he could just come to Heaven, which would lead me - his Momma - on a path to choose homebirth.

Because Peter would have been born in a hospital and if his birth would have been anything like his sister's (over 20 hours of labor and a big baby) I think it would have ended in a c-section. And so I think my next baby, Ben 10lb 11oz, would have also been a c-section. And JF, born so soon after Ben and another large baby, would have also been a c-section. A c-section = no stillborn = no miracle.

I imagine Peter hearing this and saying Yes, he would do it.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box. Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

Also, can you please join me in praying for Jen and Emma and Fulton?

It is an honor to pray for you. Thank you for the privilege.


  1. Hey Bonnie that is beautiful, I would be so grateful if you could say a prayer for my cousin Nina who is struggling with infertility and had a miscarriage a couple months ago. Praying for you as well.

  2. Beautiful words, Bonnie. Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for my cousin, Jimmy. He is 46 years old and has cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy. He had a stroke last night and is dying. He has been the center of our family for all these years. He is the strongest person I know. Many times the doctors have said he wouldn't make it and he has pulled through. Please pray!

  3. Please pray for me and my husband Brett, as well as my sister-in-law Abby and my brother Matthew. Both of us couples are going through infertility.

  4. Many blessings to you Bonnie. A beautiful post that really touched my heart. I would love to join you in praying for those placing prayer requests in the comments and those you listed.

  5. Our whole family is always in need of prayers. My dd was stillborn at 40 weeks in 2000 and I had a son miscarried in 2nd trimester in 2005 . But, those pure innocents I believe to be in heaven. Its us poor sinners left behind that need so much help to get there with them. But, if you could pray especially for the financial struggles of our family it would be appreciated and I will pray for you guys too :)

  6. a healthy delivery for me and baby, Chris and Summer-who are 10 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage a few months ago, Valerie and Nathan who are trying to conceive

    Thanks Bonnie!

  7. What a beautiful story. I ask your prayers for myself and my husband (TTC) and for friends of mine (loss of a child). God bless you!

  8. Prayers for a couple in their 30's that I love very much. They are suffering from infertility caused by PCOS and have tried every legitimate treatment available. Only one pregnancy, that ended in an early miscarriage. The husband has started suffering from severe anxiety issues and the wife has been dealing with anxiety as well. They are such beautiful people and such faithful Catholics! Thank you!


  9. I, too, feel like a failure for not properly burying my first. Didn't really hit me that I have those feelings until I read your words here. Struck a nerve; an area for continued reconciliation, it seems.

    Please pray for Ryan and Anu and their baby Ezra who was born stillborn a few days ago. Such a beautiful couple. Their story is remarkable and boy have baby Ezra, Ryan, and Anu touched a ton of hearts around here. Ryan and Anu are entering into full Communion with the Church this Easter. Please pray for their spiritual stamina in their journey "home" as well.

  10. Please pray for Dominic Pio Gundrum - I somehow came to his blog through another blog and he is home after recovering from a major surgery for a form of spina bifida.

    Blessings to you on this day. And thank you for this post. I had a very early miscarriage,too, and always felt sort of guilty for mourning the loss when others have gone through losses of later miscarriages and stillbirths. You "allowed" me to mourn the loss of my girl and I pray for her often.

  11. Thank you so much for your beautiful posts. Please pray for me and my husband; we had a miscarriage last month. My husband's family, although they are really wonderful people, have not acknowledged our baby in any real way, and I am having a hard time not holding that against them.

  12. This is very touching. We will never be able to know what happened with our loss years ago but I have definitely been able to see it as the very beginning of really discovering my faith and being able to now raise these children in that faith that they would've never known otherwise.

  13. Bonnie every once in a while I ask for prayers on these posts of yours. About a year ago I lost my little baby Ambrose at the end of the first trimester.

    We have been trying to conceive since then. We just recently went to the doctor, who after performing some tests told me that I have ovarian failure and I will never conceive again. I am 27 years old. The doctor suggested we use an egg donor and was surprised when I became upset.

    I am so heartbroken and I don't understand why God let this happen to me. Why did he put the strong desire for motherhood in my heart, only to let my heart be crushed? I feel so alone. I feel that God is not here with me. It is just me and my empty heart and my empty womb.

    I keep remembering our wedding Mass, which was 18 months ago. We were so eager to start our family, we even had Psalm 128, "your wife shall be a fruitful vine, your children will be like olive shoots around your table." It won't be so for us. This gift, which he seems to give everyone else, he withholds from us. This cross is too heavy and I hurt so badly!!!! the pain is unbearable. Please pray for us because I can not pray right now.

  14. Hi Bonnie,
    I don't think I have commented before but I have checked in here a few times off and on ever since I saw you at the Behold Conference last year (which was awesome!). I took my then 10 week old daughter on her 1st road trip from Minnesota.

    I would like to humbly ask for your prayers for my husband and I that we be open to the Lord's will as we struggle with infertility and repeated miscarriages. The due date of our dear little Mary who we miscarried at 11 weeks back this past August is coming up on March 10th and I am dreading the day. I miss her so, so much. We also have two other little ones in heaven through early miscarriages - Peter Joseph and Rose Marie. Unfortunately, neither of the first 2 were properly buried and I have such hidden guilt and remorse about that as well. I have talked to a priest and found some comfort in his counsel, but still it does haunt me. We did have a funeral Mass for little Mary and she is buried at our parish cemetery, but as the days grow closer to her due date, I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate. Anyway, I am rambling....

    I would so much appreciate prayers for another child this side of heaven to cherish and raise to glorify God. And obviously, it would be so awesome to give our daughter a sibling. But if that is not God's will, I pray daily that the desires of my heart will be molded to mirror His desires for our family. Thank you so much for the offer to pray. God Bless you and your beautiful family!

  15. Hi Bonnie,

    I've never commented here before either but your post on not telling those of us "in the club" that God needed another angel really resonated with me, as did the comment you left about God asking your little one if they would be willing to give up their own life as part of His plan.

    I lost my own little girl at twenty weeks last March and then almost immediately conceived our third son who is actually due tomorrow. It is very comforting to me to imagine God asking my little Katharine if she would give up her life for her baby brother, although of course I would rather have them both here with me.

    I would really appreciate your prayers for a safe delivery for us both as well as just my emotional well being in general--it's been difficult to deal with my own grief in addition to my son's upcoming arrival especially since the prevailing opinion seems to be that I should just move on and be happy, as if this child is some kind of replacement baby.

    The memory of her delivery and her perfect little body is still so raw that even though this baby could come at any time I still can't quite let myself believe that I could soon be holding him in my arms.

    Thank you so much for your offer to pray.

  16. Hi Bonnie! I am so sorry for your loss. I think everything you do for your son is beautiful. I love how you keep his memory. He has such a good momma! I recently had a miscarriage at 15 weeks and wrote about it here: http://thedietels.blogspot.com/search/label/Kolbe
    Kolbe's due date was 1/31/13. I think it is so strange how miscarriage seems to be something that isn't talked about. Especially since it has impacted so many people and these babies are human beings. It breaks my heart knowing there are many who are wounded by miscarriage, but don't talk about it. Hopefully that will change one day.

  17. Please pray for me as today would have been 12 weeks for my Aloysius. We lost him at 6 weeks. Pleas pray that we can continue to accept God's will and trust Him. I'm sure He led me here today :). I've been struggling on how to honour Aloysius' life and I'm very thankful you have chosen to honour Peter this way. God bless your family.
    - Steph