July 12, 2013

Things I said in labor and soon afterwards

I'm like a horse, you have to keep a hand on me at all times.
While trying to explain to the anesthesiologist that my back is very sensitive to touch and people touching it makes me jumpy. 

I imagine this is what a bear feels like.
Trying to explain the sensation in my legs from the epidural. My legs felt thick, fuzzy, and slow to move. No one understood what I meant but for the rest of the day I kept thinking, "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..."

My bottom half feels drunk.
Again, no one understood.

I was going to say, "I imagine this is what Captain Jack Sparrow feels like all the time," but I knew that would make no sense.
While trying to explain the "My bottom half feels drunk" comment.

I can't believe no one has likened this to a bear before.
I mean, really? It makes perfect sense.

I feel like I have tree trunks for legs.
Heavy, thick, immobile.

I'd be willing to let an alien come down and do an extraction.
In response to the nurse asking me if I wanted the doctor to break my water.

 While you push my stomach? Somewhere between 8 and I hate you.
In response to my nurse asking me, "On a level of 1-10 what's your pain?"

Too bad I can't text my nuns.
Comment made to my nurses while texting the news of JP's birth to family and friends.

Do you say that to all the fat girls?
This is the one comment I actually filtered because I thought the man poking things into my spine might feel uncomfortable if I said that to him, especially after I told I was like a horse. His comment to me was, "I can tell from looking at your back that yours will not be the easiest epidural I'll do today."  I don't think he was actually commenting about my weight, I'm just really self conscious of my back fat.

It's because I'm German. We're hearty folk.
When the nurses were laughing in amazement that I had just delivered another 11 pound + baby without tearing.

Give me some of that flat Coke.
It was actually the black rum Travis snuck in for me.


  1. So, was this your first epidural then? I've had epidurals with each of my full-term births and I know exactly of what you speak in each of your comments. It really is like a bear, I think...and definitely like the lower half is drunk, too.

    1. Yep, first birth with any kind of interventions at all, and we did everything - induced with pitocin, broke my water, epidural, etc.

      And I'm glad you understand me!

  2. Why did the anesthesiologist even say anything? Does not sound like the smartest thing to say at that moment for more than reason, lol! I can relate to cracking jokes.....when I was finally getting an epidural with my last one, I joked about Ma Ingalls and how she went through all of this on the prairie. :-) -Anne

  3. So freakin awesome!! All of it, you are awesome!

  4. Oh my gosh, can you imagine what that baby would have felt like without the epidural? Good choice! And congratulations, Bonnie!

    1. lol Colleen - I CAN imagine what the baby would have felt like without the epidural because Teresa's birth was completely natural and she weighed 2oz more than Joseph. It felt like Hell.

  5. I would totally have made the same kinds of comments. :)

    About five minutes after they put in my catheter (which was really traumatic for me), my doctor came in and told me that they'd be giving me some Ativan. My comment: "Could you maybe have done that five minutes ago?!?!?!?!?"

  6. I love these and I love hearing the details of everyone's labor stories. They're all so unique. If we have another it may be the first time I try w/o epidural...last labor I was one deep breath away from fainting during the procedure. Then there was, "I don't like the way that looks, I'm going to do it over again," from the doc.

    I hope you know that your choices in Joseph's labor do not take anything away from me and others knowing how brave and courageous you are to have had natural labors and how strong you are!

  7. My son came in to make me stop reading this because I was laughing so hard that I was crying! Every comment made complete sense to me. You should be worried!

  8. Heck yeah you deserve that rum for an 11 pound baby!! :)

  9. Hahaha 'between 8 and I hate you'- you're hilarious! I'm so glad you recorded these to share with us! Awesome job delivering that 11 pound baby- you deserve all the contraband rum in the world!

  10. LOL! You're awesome! There's something about labor that makes everything make sense. For me it was thinking "Aluia Homins" (my 3 yr old's made up name for a day) sounded so pretty for our newborn Lucy.

    Pushing on your stomach - I think it's more like between 11 and I hate you! ...esp. when you're a hemorrhage risk and everyone that walks in the room (I think inc. the janitor) does it.

    I. can't. believe. you. didn't. tear. I'm German - I got the big baby genes but the hearty genes must've skipped me (though I think I made a conscious decision that I was ok tearing because GET THE BABY OUT!)

    Thanks for posting all your thoughts - Love it!

  11. "Somewhere between 8 and I hate you" Ha! Perfect response. I have only been asked this once (not during labor) and when I responded "11" the nurses got me some Dilaudid, stat.

    What a lovely view to gaze at out of your window.

    I had a spinal with Phoebe and an epidural with Miguel. When I had the spinal, I was completely numb - no sensation, no pressure, nothing. When I had the epidural, I could feel pressure. When they started the C-section, I started yelling: "I can feel it!" They asked if I could feel pain and I said "No, just pressure." They said that pressure was OK. I said: "No, I don't want to feel ANYTHING!" I was a little wigged out from being in transition with no progress for 3 hours. Miguel was delivered before they had to do anything else. It wasn't uncomfortable, just weird because I felt nothing with Phoebe's C-section.

  12. I love epidurals. Mostly for the sweet, sweet relief from torture, but the witty one-liners they produce are a close second. I'm asking for this next one at 36 weeks, because I want to be this funny when I'm not flat on my back.

  13. Tree trunks. Truer words never spoken!
    Glad to have found your blog through conversion diary. My 5th arrived in the scene 3 wks ago so this is timely

  14. Oh my. 8 and I hate you. That is perfect. And the rum. I just want to sit at your feet and take in your wisdom :)

  15. That was hilarious! I totally get "my bottom half feels drunk!" The most annoying question in the world during labor is "on a scale of 1 to 10..." There is no pain scale for labor! Thanks for a great story!

  16. Um..why the heck would the anesthesiologist say that to you? "Hi Miss..I am going to try and make you feel as comfortable as possible by telling you how difficult poking you is going to be." What? You are a good woman. I would have no filter after a comment like that. I probably would've said "Maybe it would be easier for someone else...go find that person and send them here and you don't come back here."

    ..AND I'm so happy your epidural worked well for you! I can't really understand the fuzzy bear feeling that you describe because my epidural didn't work well for me. It only really worked for the first 2 hours and then the pain came fast and never went away even with 2 more doses of epidural meds. Everyone was shocked that I could lift my butt and legs off the bed the entire time. I am considering not getting one next time but I know that I will probably give in during labor. I am actually praying for a short 1-2 hour labor so I have no choice and I can't get one. Either way I am just expecting to feel everything again this time around.

    Joseph is so handsome! Can't wait to meet him!!

  17. Hysterical!! And windows...windows should be in EVERY room a woman gives birth in (if she wants them...). That was the one thing that really bugged me about my delivery was that there was no window - it was like I was in the grocery market or a casino - no way to tell what time it was. I got there in the morning, left at night...lost a whole day, it felt like.
    Thanks for writing all these things down. You're quite funny while in labor, which is a real feat!

  18. I'm curious if you have any thought on the no meds versus epidural. I've done both and can't decide what I would prefer to do if we're ever blessed with another baby.

    I'm of German ancestry too (Schmidt) but I've never met any German family members that seem as funny as you!

    Congratulations - our number five is Joseph, too!

    1. Hey Karyn!

      I actually will be doing a guest post at the end of the month talking about that very thing. I'll share the link when it's posted.

      And if you think I'm funny you should meet my Grandpa W. He's a phenomenal storyteller with a great sense of humor. Maybe it's the wee bit of Irish coming out in us.

    2. I look forward to reading it! I can't believe you can get any posts out - I'm always so fuzzy-brained in those first few months (years).

  19. I have to ask the 1-10 question a lot... I love the "between 8 and I hate you" comment!

  20. I love how people are so different. You might call me crazy but I love the fact that people react differently to things like epidurals.
    Maybe it's just me but I love that everyone is so special!

  21. I never say anything funny during labor. I'm always just cursing or telling someone to shut up. This is much better. Definitely the most convincing argument for medical intervention that I've ever read. :)

  22. You are hilarious! I know exactly what you mean about the epidural. It did all that to me and also made my whole body itch. And I can't believe you delivered an 11 pound baby AT ALL. You're a superstar.

  23. Congrats! I cant believe 11 pounds and no tearing! I'm German and have torn with BOTH of my little 7lb babies. Pathetic, or maybe its just some other ethnicity coming through, obviously weak in the child bearing department!
    Interested to hear about the non-intervention Vs intervention birth.