I knew that we already live paycheck to paycheck and this was not the best time for another mouth to feed.
I remembered quite well the traumatic experiences I've had surrounding the last few births and knew I am not yet emotionally healed from them.
I knew we no longer had a lot of the baby equipment needed and I wasn't quite sure just where this new person would sleep or sit in the mini van.
But I couldn't stop smiling.
In the days and weeks that followed that positive ept Travis and I have felt a lot of worry. I keep praying to God, trying to figure out what He wants us to do. Does He have some kind of plan that will ease up our financial worries? Is He asking us to carry the cross of financial hardship for the rest of our foreseeable lives? And to put it bluntly, with all these mathematically improbable babies I've had I'm wondering if He's asking me to just keep having babies or to not have sex until after menopause.
But then I'd feel the baby move inside of me and it was hard to feel anything but love and joy. This pregnancy was not planned, but this baby is so very wanted.
And it turns out, that while many people have remained silent or have only offered a smile-less "congratulations," there are many, many people who are happy for us.
At this point I don't know what to say because every time I try to muster the adequate words I am left speechless.
It is so beautifully humbling that the people I view as towers, women I feel unworthy to call friends, people whose character, virtue, and lives I admire - when they bend down to scoop me up - there just aren't words. Only tears of gratitude.
As soon as we discovered we were pregnant we had friends send us gift cards to the local grocery store and surprise us with gifts for the baby to show us that they were happy for us.
|A box of books arrived for all my kiddos|
When I went to the hospital and came home for a week and half of bed rest we had people send us gift cards and bring us meals. Friends who took care of my kids, cleaned my home, and watered my flowers.
|A lovely spiritual bouquet|
Then there are the countless people who prayed and continue to pray for our family.
When so much love and generosity is poured out, my words seem so little, but they are sincere.