My heart feels a little achy but I don't know why. Should I try to write about it anyways? Yes? Oh good, I was going to.
This morning I was in bed with three kids with two pressed up against me. They couldn't get comfortable and as I laid there at 5:45 in the morning - in my non-family, queen sized bed - I was done. Totally touched out. I felt claustrophobic under the sheets and I needed to get. out. now. Touched out before 6 am is not a good thing. It's the beginning of a long day.
My baby is crying a lot right now. Low grade fever, molars just peeking through, I know he's not comfortable. He is at the "I'll cry if you hold me and I'll cry if you don't" stage and while he is the cutest, sweetest baby most of the time he is really wearing on me now.
Last Friday I had to call 911 and ride in an ambulance with JF because I fed him something he was allergic to. Did you know that he's like super deadly allergic to dairy? All this time I thought nuts were the worst but really, for him, it's dairy. Along with the nuts, eggs, wheat, soy, and tomatoes. I'm going to complain for a minute, okay? Each meal, each snack, each trip to the grocery store is almost exhausting. Reading the labels, substituting ingredients, trying to find food that will satisfy everyone and make no one complain.
And school. I love that my kids are able to attend Catholic school; I wish that I had some really strong friendships with other moms at our school. I also wish there was a group of moms who 1) had some middle school aged kids 2) where completely orthodox and followed the Church's teachings 3) joyfully loved being Catholic 4) were open to mentoring moms like me. I wish they would swoop in and invite me and other moms to afternoon tea and morning playdates, they and their husbands would chat with me and my husband, they'd make sure I knew - not the gossip - but all the ins and outs of what's going on at school. Making new friends is incredibly difficult as an adult, especially more so when I'm placed in a situation where we all should be on the same page but we're not and it's really hard figuring out where people are. (Updated to clarify that those moms probably are there, I just don't know them and I don't know how to find them. That's what I was getting at...)
I suppose right now I'm tired, though not really physically. I am not in a state of grace, I know that. It's really dark here, kinda muffled, not as joyful, and it makes connecting with God so hard, so exhausting. I'm scratching for peace but it's not mine for the taking right now.
poor Mary and her poor chipped halo
I will be meeting with a priest on Friday afternoon for confession and a little bit of direction. I haven't had real spiritual direction in a long time and I know I need it. I'm hoping the meeting goes well and he's open to meeting again. We'll see. Will you pray? Will you please pray for me?
Also, I feel the urge to listen to some good, solid podcasts. What are your favorites?
Thanks for staying with me and letting me type it all out. Now to do some dishes, fold some laundry, and maybe bake a cake.