Saturday, July 12, 2008

So here's a confession...

My friend, Mia just wrote a very honest, very insightful post on her struggles with her body. Anyone who has ever fought an eating disorder will, I think, strongly identify with what she says, especially the following part:

Deep down, I know much better than to listen to that evil voice inside my head. But some days, I let her totally control me. I let her ruin my entire day by giving in to her insults and commands. It seems that by now, I should be stronger than that evil bitch inside my head, and just kick her ass to the curb. But for some reason, I just don't let go. I let her tell me that I am not worth it...that I am ugly...that I can't do it...that I am a lazy pig who will never be good enough. So why do I keep her around? Because part of me feels like I would be lost without her. I know that sounds crazy, but even though she puts me down, to me, she is a safety net. With her, I won't have to work on learning to trust my own body and intuition. With her I can be structured and rigid, and by following her strict and rigid rules, I will be safe. It is like being in an abusive and controlling relationship.

In college I was introduced to binging and purging. After 2 years I was able to stop but since then a diet has always terrified me. The structure of a diet along with my lack of self control and the way I use food to reward and punish myself only leads to huge binges. I haven't purged for over a year, but that voice is in my head, too, telling me it's the answer. It's a scary place to be, and thank God I have a husband who prays for me.

The body image issue has made me so afraid for my daughter. I seriously pray on a regular basis that she won't struggle with eating disorders or find her worth in how much she weighs or what she looks like or in if boys want to date her.

God save us all.

3 comments:

  1. Bonnie--thank you dearly for that post..it was hard for me to share my struggles with the blogging world. So I thank God for a friend like you :)

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  2. It's probably good in a way that you've struggled with those things so that you can be even more of a help to Lydia if she ever does have those same problems.

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  3. Thank you so much for this post...I've struggled immensely with this as well, and it's encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts. You're very much appreciated!

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