Let me pray for you, for Pete's sake

In this month where we acknowledge all the parents who have lost babies during pregnancy, at birth, as infants, I wanted to bring back an old tradition from here. On the fifteenth of each month I would gather prayer requests for those who carry the cross of infertility or the loss of a child.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box. Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

Eight Images That Tell You Everything You Need to Know About This Blog

Jennifer Fulwiler posted a hilarious list of the ten images that best represent her blog and what she writes about. She encouraged other bloggers to do the same. 

Challenge happily accepted.

I went through the pictures from ye olde blog and found the ones I thought were the best representations of what I write about. So here goes...

{ a good example of this sentimentality }

{ read this }

{ this and this are my two faves on this topic }

{ Not necessarily the ones above, but I do get geeky about things. Like Lost, Doctor Who, and Sherlock.}

{ Peter Mark }

 { Most related post }

{ zombies in general }

{ and I love it and hate it }

Jen was right, it was a lot of fun to do this post. Let me know in the combox if you wrote one too.

Happy Feast Day, Ye Olde Blog*!

Let me fess up about something.

Amanda, a friend of mine who does not blog but doles out her wisdom, humor, and wonderfulness the old fashioned way - through personal interactions, gave me the name for my blog. For a long time I wrote under the title "Learning to Be a Newlywed" and then without having learned all my lessons I was no longer a newlywed and it was time to move on.

Amanda's clever title was (I think) mostly a reference to my son JF (Short version of that story: JF was a stillborn because of a knot in his umbilical cord, but he amazingly came back to life after being dead for 61 minutes and miraculously is okay thanks to the intercession of Ven. Sheen. The Vatican is looking into it as a possible *real* miracle that will get Sheen beatified. More info here.)

I loved the title because it perfectly went along with what this blog has always been about: me figuring out my vocation, working out my salvation with fear and trembling, having it all untangled for me by the grace of God and the help of my loved ones. It also made me think of an image I had seen of our Blessed Mother before.

I googled "Mary untying knots" and sure enough there she was, in a beautiful painting. I read about the devotion and I felt like it was a perfect fit for my blog and my life.

After I began blogging under Mary, Undoer of Knots' protection I also learned that many Catholics who struggle with infertility have a devotion to her. I found that especially touching since I had been praying for such couples for a long time in honor of my miscarried son, Peter. I called it "for Pete's sake" and usually ran it on the 15th of each month because he was due on January 15th.

And now we have Pope Francis, whose devotion to Mary under this title has brought even more attention to the Undoer of Knots.

Today I was happy to Catholic Cuisine share some ideas to celebrate today, September 28th being a day suggested to commemorate Mary under this title. I thought it would then also be a fitting day to reinstate my "for Pete's sake" prayer ministry.

As you may know, my last pregnancy was very difficult for me and that was followed by postpartum depression. That led to me barely being able to pray at all. I tried to, I really did, but offering up my suffering was incredibly difficult and because of that I didn't do a "for Pete's sake" for a very long time. Lately though I've been feeling much better and I once again feel called to pick up this small ministry of mine. I've therefore added a button on my sidebar and a tab at the top of my site. If you or someone you know needs prayers related to infertility or the loss of a child please head to that section of the blog and let me know about it. I will pray with Our Lady and trust that the knots in your hearts, wombs, and lives will be untangled.

But today is a feast day so let's not be sad. Let's pray for our pope, buy some Twizzlers, tie them in knots, and celebrate!

Happy Feast Day everyone!


*I always refer to my blog as "ye olde blog" because I'm lame like that. Thanks for reading anyways.

for Pete's sake

Today is Peter Mark's due date.  Had he lived we'd be celebrating his 5th birthday.  Maybe not today, but January 15th is all I have.  I know that he died because of a chromosomal issue and he wouldn't have been able to live outside of the womb.  But I wish I could have carried him long enough to to have held and then buried his little body.  I still feel like such a failure because I couldn't bury him.

Peter's "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.

 In the comment box of a recent post I shared the following story.  It's something I imagine to explain why Peter died and it brings me comfort.  I thought I'd share it here, too.

  

While God was knitting my son in the quiet, secret place He told him that He would like to use his little brother to do a miracle. There could be several ways it could play out, but would Peter be willing to sacrifice something so it could play out in a certain way? And then I imagine God telling Peter that instead of being born he could just come to Heaven, which would lead me - his Momma - on a path to choose homebirth.

Because Peter would have been born in a hospital and if his birth would have been anything like his sister's (over 20 hours of labor and a big baby) I think it would have ended in a c-section. And so I think my next baby, Ben 10lb 11oz, would have also been a c-section. And JF, born so soon after Ben and another large baby, would have also been a c-section. A c-section = no stillborn = no miracle.

I imagine Peter hearing this and saying Yes, he would do it.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box. Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

Also, can you please join me in praying for Jen and Emma and Fulton?

It is an honor to pray for you. Thank you for the privilege.

Holy Innocents - why it's best not to tell a grieving parent "God needed another angel"

Today is the Feast of the Holy Innocents.  It is the day that the Catholic Church recognizes and honors the baby and toddler boys who were killed by Herod after he learned from the Wise Men that a new King of the Jews had been born. (Read Matthew 2 for the story.)

For many parents who have lost a baby or child through miscarriage, stillborn birth, or another early death this feast day is, in a way, a feast day for all of us - binding together all parents throughout the ages who have lost a precious child far too soon.  It's a club you don't want to be in.

I hope it doesn't seem crass then that I take this feast day to explain something to those who are fortunate enough to not be in that club. 

For most grieving parents to hear the phrase, "God needed another angel" does not bring comfort.  In fact, for most grieving parents it makes things hurt even more.  It does not matter if you are talking about their child or children who have died in a horrible event, such as the Sandy Hook shootings or a tornado that blasted through a community.  It doesn't matter if their child died yesterday or six months ago or ten years ago. 

I realize that people say it because it is a sweet sentiment, they want to bring comfort, and they don't know what else to say.  And as the parent of a dead child I can honestly say that I appreciate all those things.  I understand that some people think we die, get our wings, and some bell rings somewhere and everything is a warm fuzzy.  I'm not mocking when I write that: in times of great grief - and the death of a child always causes great grief - we want and need comfort and we grasp for beauty because everything else seems so ugly.  I appreciate all the people who said such wrong, horrible things to me when my baby died because really they were just trying to bring comfort and they didn't know what else to say. 

But if you don't know what to say, at least know this: Do not say "God needed another angel."  Just say that you're sorry, or that you have no words for something so sad, so horrible.  That's enough.

After the Sandy Hook shootings I asked people on Facebook to not use the expression.  Quite frankly I was shocked that several people told me, "We feel sad, thinking about those children as angels makes us feel better, so I don't care if it makes you or any other grieving parent hurt worse."  Of course they said it more politely and charitably but that was the bottom line.  "Don't tell me what to say when I feel sad, even if what I say makes you feel much, much worse."  I noticed that the people who wrote those things and gave the FB like to those comments are not in the club.  I also noticed that the ones who stood with me are.

So let me explain why those words can hurt so much.

On the most basic level "God needed another angel" implies that it was God's will that the child died.  It was God's actual, active will that sent a shooter into the school, church, grocery store, movie theater, shopping mall to kill innocent children.  It was God's actual, active will - it was what He wanted and needed to happen - for my baby to die in my womb, for another's to suffocate on the umbilical cord, for another's to develop in such a way that he could not live outside of the womb, for another's to be killed in a house fire or by a drunk driver.

What kind of crappy god is that?!  What kind of pathetic god needs to send down severe pain and anguish so he can populate heaven with more angels to worship him?!  When people make that statement they denote god into someone horrible and evil, unintentionally chipping away at whatever hope the parents have.  Please don't do that to us.  Please don't chip away at our hope in an all good and all powerful God.  It is already shaky because of what we're living through.

And related to that hope, at least for me, is some basic theology about Heaven and angels.  First, it is traditional Christian teaching that God created all angels at one time, when He was busy about creating things.  Since that time He has not created any new angels nor will He.  That is important because it relates to this: We do not become angels when we die and go to Heaven, we become saints. 

For now, just our souls go to Heaven.  But when the world ends God will raise our corpses, our bodies and souls will again be united, and our bodies will be glorified.  I don't know exactly what that will look like or how it'll all go down but I find great comfort in the fact that one day I will see my child in his body, looking like himself.  I did not conceive an angel - I conceived a little boy.  It is not an angel I want to meet and hold, it is a little boy - my little boy.  Just like we say in the Creed each Sunday, "I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come."  Please don't take this hope away from me by removing my son and replacing him with an angel.

I realize that there are grieving parents who do find comfort in those words, but I would caution you to not say anything until you have heard them speak of it first.  But for the rest of us, I ask that you be compassionate and refrain from the "God needed another angel" line.

Holy Innocents, pray for us!

For Pete's Sake

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box.  Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

 

It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!



"The Child Who was Never Born” Martin Hudáčeka.



Also, please remember that if you are in within driving distance of Peoria, IL there is an upcoming event for women who have lost a child through miscarriage or infancy loss.  A Mother's Love is a one day healing retreat held at St. Philomena's in Peoria.  It is free of charge, lunch is provided, registration is suggested by not required, and it is open to women of any faith (though the content is Catholic).

 

 Hat tip to The Practicing Catholic for the image of the sculpture.

for Pete's sake

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box.  Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

 

It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!

for Pete's sake

Our first child was miscarried at about six weeks; we named him Peter Mark. In memory of him, I would like to collect your prayer intentions that are related to the pains and anxieties of infertility or the loss of a child.
Perhaps you and your spouse are trying to conceive. Perhaps someone you love is beginning the adoption process. Maybe you have lost several children, are pregnant again and worry about carrying your child to term. For Peter's sake, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope. I feel it is a calling from God and a great honor.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

Peter's birthday / For Pete's Sake

Today is the fourth anniversary of our first child's due date.  It's pretty much all I have of him.  Had Peter survived the pregnancy he would be four years old today. 

I wonder if he would look like me or Travis.  I wonder if he would prefer chocolate or vanilla.  I wonder what would make him laugh.  I wish I could hear him say my name and I wish I could scoop him up in my arms.

 

Awhile ago someone anonymously mailed me an image of Christ holding a small child.  I consider it my only picture of my son and I greatly appreciate the gift.

For Peter's sake I gather prayer intentions on the 15th of each month.  The intentions can be related to infertility, the loss of a child, a failed adoption - anything that is related to the longing for a child.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box or by emailing me at bonnie engstrom at gmail dot com.

Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!

for Pete's sake

 

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box or by emailing me at bonnie engstrom at gmail dot com.

Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!

 

Also, women in the Peoria, IL area, please note that A Mother's Love grief support group for women who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of child meets the second Tuesday of every month from 6pm - 7:30pm.  They meet in the old adoration room near the convent at St. Phil's in Peoria.

I was able to go to their first meeting and it was a wonderful, helpful, hopeful evening.

Please share this information with anyone you know who may be interested.

for Pete's sake

I'm so sorry I am a day late posting this!  With yesterday (the 15th) being the Feast of the Assumption I forgot to post this!  In fact, I was praying for all of you this morning when I realized I had messed up. 

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child. 

You may share your prayer request in the comment box or by emailing me at bonnie engstrom at gmail dot com.

Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

It is an honor to pray for you!  Thank you for the privilege!

for Pete's sake

In honor of my first child, Peter Mark, who we lost to miscarriage, I would love to pray for your intentions that are related to infertility or the loss of a child.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

for Pete's sake

In honor of my first child, Peter Mark, who we lost to miscarriage, I would love to pray for your intentions that are related to infertility or the loss of a child.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

for Pete's sake

In honor of my first child, Peter Mark, who we lost to miscarriage, I would love to pray for your intentions that are related to infertility or the loss of a child.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

for Pete's sake

In honor of my first child, Peter Mark, who we lost to miscarriage, I would love to pray for your intentions that are related to infertility or the loss of a child.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

for Pete's sake

In honor of my first child, Peter Mark, who we lost to miscarriage, I would love to pray for your intentions that are related to infertility or the loss of a child.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

for Pete's sake

Our first child was miscarried at about six weeks; we named him Peter Mark. In memory of him, I would like to collect your prayer intentions that are related to the pains and anxieties of infertility or the loss of a child.

Perhaps you and your spouse are trying to conceive. Perhaps someone you love is beginning the adoption process. Maybe you have lost several children, are pregnant again and worry about carrying your child to term. For Peter's sake, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones.

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box. Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous. You may share as little or as much as you like. With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope. I feel it is a calling from God and a great honor.

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.

for Pete's sake

Our first child was miscarried at about six weeks; we named him Peter Mark.  I do not know why God allowed me to lose my child, but I do know that the experience created a very special place in my heart for other women who are grieving their child or bearing the cross of infertility.

As the years passed I have felt the Holy Spirit increasingly prompt me to offer up my hardships and to pray for those nameless women I carry in my heart.  I have also felt Him asking me to do more.

January 15th was Peter's due date.  In memory of him, I would like to make the 15th of every month a day to collect your intentions that are related to the pains and anxieties of infertility or the loss of a child.  Perhaps you and your spouse are trying to conceive.  Perhaps someone you love is beginning the adoption process.  Maybe you have lost several children, are pregnant again and worry about carrying your child to term.  For Peter's sake, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones. 

Please leave your prayer intention - for yourself or someone you know - in the comment box.  Commenters may leave their name or be anonymous.  You may share as little or as much as you like.  With great respect, dignity, and affection I would like to pray for you, your pain, your grief, and your hope.  I feel it is a calling from God and a great honor. 

I, of course, invite all those who comment or read the comments to join me in praying for one another.

Thank you for this privilege.