In this month where we acknowledge all the parents who have lost babies during pregnancy, at birth, as infants, I wanted to bring back an old tradition from here. On the fifteenth of each month I would gather prayer requests for those who carry the cross of infertility or the loss of a child.
As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.
You may share your prayer request in the comment box. Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.
I wonder if he would have had allergies and loved trains like his brothers.
Maybe he would have had a birthday party with sledding and hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows in the fire with a couple of friends from school.
He would be in second grade and preparing for his first confession and first Holy Communion.
I have missed 2,555 days with him so far, and more if you factor in the pregnancy. Every single one of those days was a little less full because he hasn't been with us. Even with the craziness of five other kids and the loud house and the full bedrooms there is a little empty space where he should be.
You probably don't notice it but I do. I do.
"How can you say there are too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."
- Mother Teresa
Today Danielle Rose is releasing her new song "Little Flower." She wants to build up a culture of life, a culture that loves and cherishes all children. Her beautiful song and her beautiful video and the Mother Teresa quote are not exactly about babies like my Peter, babies who died through miscarriage. But in the culture that Danielle is working and praying for babies like my Peter matter because every single life matters.
So today, for Peter's could-have-been-birthday, I'm sharing this song in hopes that it helps build up that culture. Thank you, Danielle, for your beautiful gift. Thank you, God, for my beautiful children.
We're still living up the season of Christmas in these parts, living life slowly, sitting by the fire, watching too much tv, and eating brussel spouts for lunch. (Seriously, brussel sprouts cooked in bacon grease with brown sugar and salt - be still my beating heart! But not because of a heart attack, which may happen from the bacon grease and brown sugar.)
Ahem. Anyways.
While I figure out what to make for dinner you should follow these links to some of my favorite posts I've read recently.
Travis and I saw Mockingjay for our anniversary and I've been listening to this song ever since.
Four beautiful, hard truths Ashley learned in her 20's. She's such a good writer and I really liked this list.
Speaking of good writers, Abbey is one of the best. She's not your traditional blogger but I think she's one of the best kept secrets in the Catholic blogging circle. Read about her five minutes.
Mary from Sometimes Martha, Always Mary is having a blogiversary. I spent part of my break working with her and it was a lot of fun. It's fun to watch someone have fun with blogging.
Micaela's accidental resolution that changed her life. SO. GOOD. Read it! And read the article she links to that's written by a priest.
Olivia's got some exciting news to share and share and share.
All these good things are happening in Katie's life! So happy for her!
Haley and I have very different taste in clothes usually. When she writes her fashion posts I'll look at a picture and think "Oh gosh! That's gorgeous!" and then she'll write, "Hate it. Sending it back." And she keeps what I hate. Oh well. Sorry, Haley, but the best parts of your fashion posts are Daniel's comments and so I'll always keep coming back.
Unrealistic Perfectionism - I like hearing about it from fancy bloggers like Ann Marie - it makes me feel more normal.
Molly made me cry with her beautiful, moving reflection on miscarriage and Mordor. If you read anything from this list, read this.
Did I miss anything? What were some of your favorite posts recently? Share them in the combox so I can check them out, please.
Because today is set aside to honor all our little babes who have been lost as infants or through miscarriage I wanted to share this post that I originally wrote while fresh in my grief of having lost Peter Mark in December 2007.
I recently received the Sisters of Life's Winter 2007 newsletter. The entire thing is about adoption and one of the articles shares their thoughts about adoption.
Despite the fact that they are speaking of women who place their babies with adoptive families, some of their comments struck me as a woman grieving a miscarried baby. Three points in particular were especially affirming and poignant:
Maternity is forever. Once a woman is pregnant, her maternity can never be given away. She will always be a mother. There will never be a day in her life when she is ever, in her mind, someone who does not have a child. She is a mother and that is forever... One lives her motherhood all the days of her life. She knows how old her child is, always. She may not have seen the child in years - it has not affected one iota of her maternity and the reality of her active motherhood, which is real.
This statement describes how I feel about our first child. As Peter Mark's due date approaches (Jan 15th) I think about how big I would be at this point. While most other people do not think of our first, I think of him every day. I wonder about his personality, how he would have looked. I picture his fingers and toes and potbelly. I imagine holding and nursing him. And I wonder how one "mothers" someone who is experiencing life in the fullest.
She needs a lot of support, to be loved, to experience her own goodness. She needs to have others delight in her so that she can draw upon those deep reservoirs of goodness within herself. She needs love and laughter and distractions in her worries. And she needs lots of time. She may need to cry her eyes out for months. And we need to be comfortable with that.
I have found this to be very true. Not that I want to forget the pain, but I definitely do not want to be alone. Working on the house has been a blessing in disguise as it brings friends and family to us every weekend. Seldom do I speak of how I'm really feeling to these people - sometimes because it would be awkward and sometimes because it's just not needed - but it is good to chat, catch up and laugh with people. And it does feel good to be loved and cared about so that people will give up their Saturdays for us.
She will live the long loneliness, really, of experiencing and knowing a love that she cannot express, but it is not the absence of love.
This is probably the worst part of it all. I know how to love my husband, family, friends and the baby in my womb. But I don't know how to love this saint child of mine. At this point, the only thing I can do to communicate my love for him is by crying. Which I suppose is sufficient.
If you have lost a baby please know that I am praying for you and holding you close. If you have a specific request related to infertility or child loss you can share it with me here and I would be honored to pray for you in memory of my son. If you are looking for ways to support a miscarrying mother, here's the list of things I found helpful. If you are wondering why I am pained when people tell me that my son died because "God needed another angel," you can read my thoughts here. If you're new here, stick around! You can follow A Knotted Life on Bloglovin' or Feedly. Plus, I'd love to connect with you. You can find me on Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook. I hope to "meet" you soon!
Jennifer Fulwiler posted a hilarious list of the ten images that best represent her blog and what she writes about. She encouraged other bloggers to do the same.
Challenge happily accepted.
I went through the pictures from ye olde blog and found the ones I thought were the best representations of what I write about. So here goes...
Amanda, a friend of mine who does not blog but doles out her wisdom, humor, and wonderfulness the old fashioned way - through personal interactions, gave me the name for my blog. For a long time I wrote under the title "Learning to Be a Newlywed" and then without having learned all my lessons I was no longer a newlywed and it was time to move on.
Amanda's clever title was (I think) mostly a reference to my son JF (Short version of that story: JF was a stillborn because of a knot in his umbilical cord, but he amazingly came back to life after being dead for 61 minutes and miraculously is okay thanks to the intercession of Ven. Sheen. The Vatican is looking into it as a possible *real* miracle that will get Sheen beatified. More info here.)
I loved the title because it perfectly went along with what this blog has always been about: me figuring out my vocation, working out my salvation with fear and trembling, having it all untangled for me by the grace of God and the help of my loved ones. It also made me think of an image I had seen of our Blessed Mother before.
I googled "Mary untying knots" and sure enough there she was, in a beautiful painting. I read about the devotion and I felt like it was a perfect fit for my blog and my life.
After I began blogging under Mary, Undoer of Knots' protection I also learned that many Catholics who struggle with infertility have a devotion to her. I found that especially touching since I had been praying for such couples for a long time in honor of my miscarried son, Peter. I called it "for Pete's sake" and usually ran it on the 15th of each month because he was due on January 15th.
And now we have Pope Francis, whose devotion to Mary under this title has brought even more attention to the Undoer of Knots.
Today I was happy to Catholic Cuisine share some ideas to celebrate today, September 28th being a day suggested to commemorate Mary under this title. I thought it would then also be a fitting day to reinstate my "for Pete's sake" prayer ministry.
As you may know, my last pregnancy was very difficult for me and that was followed by postpartum depression. That led to me barely being able to pray at all. I tried to, I really did, but offering up my suffering was incredibly difficult and because of that I didn't do a "for Pete's sake" for a very long time. Lately though I've been feeling much better and I once again feel called to pick up this small ministry of mine. I've therefore added a button on my sidebar and a tab at the top of my site. If you or someone you know needs prayers related to infertility or the loss of a child please head to that section of the blog and let me know about it. I will pray with Our Lady and trust that the knots in your hearts, wombs, and lives will be untangled.
But today is a feast day so let's not be sad. Let's pray for our pope, buy some Twizzlers, tie them in knots, and celebrate!
Happy Feast Day everyone!
*I always refer to my blog as "ye olde blog" because I'm lame like that. Thanks for reading anyways.
1 - Gosh I really love this song. And I'm totally impressed that Walk Off the Earth is capable of more than just playing one guitar and covering Gotye. Stupid me for thinking they were a one hit wonder.
2 - I found another treat that JF can eat. It also happens to be one of my favorite things:
Rice Krispie treats. Holy cow those things are amazing!
Anyways, we've long known that marshmallows are safe for JF, as are Rice Krispies. Then, at the suggestion of my online (and in-real-life) friends I made them with coconut oil. I'll even tell you a secret, the coconut oil above tasted coconut-y and it made the RKTs even better. Oh my gosh.
Anyways, YAY for one more treat that is nut, dairy, and egg free! And thanks to all the friends who suggested coconut oil!
3 - This:
is a lesson I learned from the executive director of the Behold Conference. Not that she ever sat down and told me, "Bonnie, this is what a mature, adult, sincere apology looks like: I'm sorry; it's my fault; what can I do to make it right?" but she did model it for me over and over again. When she apologized to me, when she helped me "script" conversations I'd need to have with others, when she apologized to others she always said some variation of those three things. Even when her fault was tiny compared to the fault of the other. Even when the other never apologized back.
Learning that lesson is one of the many ways that Behold helped me grow in virtue and become a better woman. Sometimes I really miss working on Behold. I can't wait for March 2014 so I can attend the conference and be a part of it again.
4 - As many of you know I lost my first child when I was about five weeks pregnant. If you've ever lost a baby I know you know how painful it was and is, even though after all these years I have some peace.
Because of my miscarriage I am so very grateful for my friend RyAnne's efforts to help grieving parents. RyAnne's first child, Caleb, was stillborn and in her grief she found a way to honor her son and bring peace to the minds, souls, and hearts of parents who were walking in the same shoes she was walking in.
If you have lost a child during pregnancy or infancy I encourage you to attend the A Mother's Love retreat on Saturday, July 27th at St. Philomena's in Peoria, IL. Meals are provided, it is open to couples and is free of charge. Please register with RyAnne by emailing [email protected]. Also, please note that while it is done from a Catholic perspective it is open to parents of all faith backgrounds. You can also find more information at RyAnne's blog, Good Grief!
5 -So Travis and I bought a dump and have been fixing it up slowly. So we kinda pulled a Dwija but we actually knew what we were getting ourselves into. Mostly - we mostly knew.
I don't have a good picture of what the backyard used to look like but you can kinda get a sense from these two pictures.
Grass doesn't grow, but weeds do!
Our house was first a house and then each level was an apartment that seemingly half of my town lived in at one point or another. Eventually we got rid of the upstairs apartment's entryway and toilet.
And then we dreamed of the day we could put in a patio and flower beds. It took years but it finally happened.
Travis worked his butt off getting everything level, building the forms, and whatnot.
His brother, dad, and uncle came down to help and after a few hours of hard work it was done.
The next day Travis cleaned up the flower beds, laid down some mulch, and we are finally to a place where we can enjoy our backyard.
The kids and I even had some pool time the other day.
See that tree? That tree shades the whole patio all day long. It's perfect.
And the stairs that lead to the back porch used to end at the back of the house. Now the porch ends there, making things so much safer and nicer and better.
And we still have a bit of work to do, some more mulch to lay, patio furniture to arrange, and bushes and hostas and flowers to buy and plant. But in the meantime it's still so great.
And look - no more toilets!
Good job, Trav. Well done, babe.
6 - We had a good couple of hours outside the other day. Until suddenly I was just done (that happens a lot when I'm pregnant) and I made the kids go inside for naps and quiet time. But I was still "World's Best Mom" that day because I actually even put my suit on too. It's the little things.
Today is Peter Mark's due date. Had he lived we'd be celebrating his 5th birthday. Maybe not today, but January 15th is all I have. I know that he died because of a chromosomal issue and he wouldn't have been able to live outside of the womb. But I wish I could have carried him long enough to to have held and then buried his little body. I still feel like such a failure because I couldn't bury him.
Peter's "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.
In the comment box of a recent post I shared the following story. It's something I imagine to explain why Peter died and it brings me comfort. I thought I'd share it here, too.
While God was knitting my son in the quiet, secret place He told him that He
would like to use his little brother to do a miracle. There could be several
ways it could play out, but would Peter be willing to sacrifice something so it
could play out in a certain way? And then I imagine God telling Peter that
instead of being born he could just come to Heaven, which would lead me - his
Momma - on a path to choose homebirth.
Because Peter would have been born
in a hospital and if his birth would have been anything like his sister's (over
20 hours of labor and a big baby) I think it would have ended in a c-section.
And so I think my next baby, Ben 10lb 11oz, would have also been a c-section.
And JF, born so soon after Ben and another large baby, would have also
been a c-section. A c-section = no stillborn = no miracle.
I imagine
Peter hearing this and saying Yes, he would do it.
As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter
Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved
ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.
You may share your prayer request in the comment box.
Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as
you like.
Also, can you please join me in praying for Jen and Emma and Fulton?
It is an honor to
pray for you. Thank you for the privilege.
3 - A mild 24 hour flu slowly made it's way through the house, though Travis and Resa were spared fortunately. I am hoping and praying that we're in the clear now. Hope you are all well!
4 - So, what did we bake for Christmas? Great question!
Some from-scratch cinnamon rolls. My mom always made these for Christmas and Easter mornings and since they're delicious I thought I should continue the tradition in my own home.
The recipe makes 3 dozen and one of them I shaped into a tea ring. Or, well, I tried to. I let the kids top it with some Christmas-y sprinkles which wasn't as exciting for them as they had hoped it would be.
Neighbors and great-grandparents also got a plate of cookies. Chocolate crinkles, peanut butter choc chip cookies, peppermint kiss cookies, and sugar cut out cookies. Delish.
5 - Christmas Eve was spent with my parents, which is pretty traditional.
The only person whose outfit is worth mentioning is Ben who wore the catfish shirt with the googely eye. He insisted and so I let him. Feliz Navidad.
I love the look on JF's face here.
Big present = big excitement
6 - Christmas morning looked like this:
New big kid bikes for the big kids.
In between the above picture and the next we attended Mass. During the homily poor JF threw up. The priest made an expression like, "Oh!" but just kept on talking. The woman in the pew in front of me (whom I don't even know) turned around and grabbed my diaper bag so I could pull a scarf out of it. JF and I went to the bathroom, leaving my mom with Resa, Ben, and L while Travis and my friend Jen went to get a bunch of paper towels to start cleaning up. The couple in the pew ahead of us, turned and had Ben come sit with them so Mom wouldn't have her hands quite so full. Another friend, who also happens to clean our church, came in and asked what I needed. She got me a plastic bag to put JF's clothes in and took some Lysol spray to finish cleaning up. So all this to say that no one was upset and everyone was really great about it. It was awesome.
After Mass they played with their new grocery store, train tracks and Creaky Cranky.
My 7 month old baby girl, wearing the super cute outfit her great grandpa picked out for her.
7 - The rest of Christmas Day and the days since have been mostly spent watching movies, playing with toys, taking naps, and eating yummy food. I hope you've been blessed this Christmas Season, too.
Today is the Feast of the Holy Innocents. It is the day that the Catholic Church recognizes and honors the baby and toddler boys who were killed by Herod after he learned from the Wise Men that a new King of the Jews had been born. (Read Matthew 2 for the story.)
For many parents who have lost a baby or child through miscarriage, stillborn birth, or another early death this feast day is, in a way, a feast day for all of us - binding together all parents throughout the ages who have lost a precious child far too soon. It's a club you don't want to be in.
I hope it doesn't seem crass then that I take this feast day to explain something to those who are fortunate enough to not be in that club.
For most grieving parents to hear the phrase, "God needed another angel" does not bring comfort. In fact, for most grieving parents it makes things hurt even more. It does not matter if you are talking about their child or children who have died in a horrible event, such as the Sandy Hook shootings or a tornado that blasted through a community. It doesn't matter if their child died yesterday or six months ago or ten years ago.
I realize that people say it because it is a sweet sentiment, they want to bring comfort, and they don't know what else to say. And as the parent of a dead child I can honestly say that I appreciate all those things. I understand that some people think we die, get our wings, and some bell rings somewhere and everything is a warm fuzzy. I'm not mocking when I write that: in times of great grief - and the death of a child always causes great grief - we want and need comfort and we grasp for beauty because everything else seems so ugly. I appreciate all the people who said such wrong, horrible things to me when my baby died because really they were just trying to bring comfort and they didn't know what else to say.
But if you don't know what to say, at least know this: Do not say "God needed another angel." Just say that you're sorry, or that you have no words for something so sad, so horrible. That's enough.
After the Sandy Hook shootings I asked people on Facebook to not use the expression. Quite frankly I was shocked that several people told me, "We feel sad, thinking about those children as angels makes us feel better, so I don't care if it makes you or any other grieving parent hurt worse." Of course they said it more politely and charitably but that was the bottom line. "Don't tell me what to say when I feel sad, even if what I say makes you feel much, much worse." I noticed that the people who wrote those things and gave the FB like to those comments are not in the club. I also noticed that the ones who stood with me are.
So let me explain why those words can hurt so much.
On the most basic level "God needed another angel" implies that it was God's will that the child died. It was God's actual, active will that sent a shooter into the school, church, grocery store, movie theater, shopping mall to kill innocent children. It was God's actual, active will - it was what He wanted and needed to happen - for my baby to die in my womb, for another's to suffocate on the umbilical cord, for another's to develop in such a way that he could not live outside of the womb, for another's to be killed in a house fire or by a drunk driver.
What kind of crappy god is that?! What kind of pathetic god needs to send down severe pain and anguish so he can populate heaven with more angels to worship him?! When people make that statement they denote god into someone horrible and evil, unintentionally chipping away at whatever hope the parents have. Please don't do that to us. Please don't chip away at our hope in an all good and all powerful God. It is already shaky because of what we're living through.
And related to that hope, at least for me, is some basic theology about Heaven and angels. First, it is traditional Christian teaching that God created all angels at one time, when He was busy about creating things. Since that time He has not created any new angels nor will He. That is important because it relates to this: We do not become angels when we die and go to Heaven, we become saints.
For now, just our souls go to Heaven. But when the world ends God will raise our corpses, our bodies and souls will again be united, and our bodies will be glorified. I don't know exactly what that will look like or how it'll all go down but I find great comfort in the fact that one day I will see my child in his body, looking like himself. I did not conceive an angel - I conceived a little boy. It is not an angel I want to meet and hold, it is a little boy - my little boy. Just like we say in the Creed each Sunday, "I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come." Please don't take this hope away from me by removing my son and replacing him with an angel.
I realize that there are grieving parents who do find comfort in those words, but I would caution you to not say anything until you have heard them speak of it first. But for the rest of us, I ask that you be compassionate and refrain from the "God needed another angel" line.
1 - This song is just delish. I hope you enjoy it.
2 - Here's something else I love: Lisa and Joel Schmidt's blog The Practicing Catholic. They have all kinds of great content, they update frequently, and they're just plain wonderful. Seriously, you can read the fluff I write, or you can read something interesting. Or, you know, you could do both. And ps - Lisa was one of our bloggers at the 2012 Behold Conference. Pretty blonde with a baby.
3 - Also have a new found love for Kathryn Whitaker's blog and tweeting. Check out Team Whitaker. I especially appreciate what I've read under her Motherhood and The Preemie tabs.
I have a lot of respect for Karen and I'm so, so grateful that she's written a book about miscarriage. I wish I would have had a good Catholic book on miscarriage when I was going through the loss of Peter, and I think it would probably still be helpful five years later.
5 - I'll be honest, the internet sometimes makes me feel like I'm a freshman in high school looking across the cafeteria to the upperclass cool kids table. (Doesn't that just sound so dorky? But it's how I think. Dork.) Don't get me wrong, I have a very full, fun table myself and I love the friends I have. Sometimes I wish I knew - in real life - women like Lisa, Kathryn, Karen, Grace, Hallie, Dwija, Katie, the Bright Maidens, Sarah. They seem to be just as fabulous as my friends who I share playdates and texted prayer requests with. And if you don't know them yet I strongly encourage you to check out their blogs, Facebook pages, and Twitter feeds. They're funny, kind-hearted, and Catholic.
6 - Back to things I love. This picture:
This print was done by the awesomely talented Jude Landry. His wife Alisha and I met at a local Catholic moms' group and then they moved back to the South from whence they had come. I don't think there was a direct connection between the timing of our meeting and their moving. If you want to buy this print or something else similarly great check out Jude's store.
7 - And lastly, I love the tulips my loving husband brought home yesterday because tulips are my favorite flowers and I am overdue. What a good man.
Have a good weekend, lovely people! And check out more Quick Takes over at Jen's blog!
1 - One of my favorite things about winter is the combination of a snowy night and Christmas lights. It's so dark and cold but then there's these pops of warmth and cheer. When the lights glow through a good blanket of snow - that's the best. I know most people are done with winter by this time of the year, and I know a lot of us haven't gotten a lot of snow, so I guess we can just chalk this quick take up to what I missed this past December. But that's one of the things I so love about this video - the lights on the dark snow. And, you know, I really like the song too.
2 - Not sure if you read my most recent post for IGNITUM TODAY. It shared some tips of what we - as Catholic, pro-lifers) can do when we or someone we know miscarries. The amazing thing about the post was that the day before my editor posted on her personal blog about her miscarriage and shortly after me another IT contributor posted on the loss of a stillborn baby. It was like the Holy Spirit was pushing on us to deliver a message for Him. And then I saw this post, "An Overdue Letter to My Children in Heaven" by the Passionate Papist. It's absolutely beautiful; I was especially touched by what his 14 year old daughter wrote to her sisters. I really encourage you to read it!
3 - A small group of Midwestern bishops are in Rome so they can catch up and shoot the breeze with the Pope. My bishop, Daniel Jenky, is one of them. (Okay, I'm sure they're talking business, too.) One of things Bishop Jenky and the men who travelled with him will be doing while there is meeting with the postulator for Sheen's beatification cause. I don't know if I'll be privy to any information they get while there but I'm dying to know where we are! Will Sheen be named "Venerable" soon? The Pope could maybe tell them... Which alleged miracle will they use? JF's? How much longer will we have to wait? It makes me wanna scream out, "You're killin' me, Smalls!"
4 - On Twitter there's two trends: #iusebirthcontrol and #iuseNFP. The amazing thing is that many reasons that people list for using birth control are the reasons I use NFP. And then some of the reasons tweeted make me think the person shouldn't be having sex in the first place.
5 - This made me laugh.
6 - You probably don't think things like that because you're further along on the road to sanctification than I am. But, if this counts for anything, there's only one person who makes me feel this way. Yeah, I know, I should work on that...
7 - I need to cut out a bunch of moustaches to put on sucker sticks for Valentines. We'll see if it happens. People might just be getting some regular-old suckers.
1 - Going out on a limb here with some 80's music. But man, this song is so good. And you know what, I wish I could rely on my old man's money. It's a bitch, girl.
2 - Hey, if you want simple, awesome cookies that mix peanut butter, chocolate chips, and little else, you have got to check out this recipe. They're gluten free if that matters to you, and it only makes a dozen or so cookies so you don't feel quite so bad when you eat the whole batch. (Not that I have done that... yet.)
3 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is pretty popular in my home right now. Ben prefers it because he loves the dwarfs. He walks around the house, holding his toy hammer on his shoulder, singing "Heigh Ho!"
4 - L, on the other hand, belts out, "Still I think he's rather tasty" over and over again. It's a line from the Prince Ali song in Aladdin. She even does the voice. You may have heard her at Wal-Mart earlier this week.
5 - What are you making for your Super Bowl party this Sunday? I'm supposed to bring cookies and will probably bring chocolate chip cookies but I'm definitely open for a suggestion. Also, I may do a rendering of Skip Bayless' and ESPN's Tim Tebow - All He Does Is Win song. Rejoice that we're not going to the same party. (But my husband loves it!)
6 - What, you don't know what song I'm talking about? Well pause Rich Girl and enjoy:
7 - Now on a more serious note, my new post is up over at IGNITUM TODAY. Another Life to Remember is one part encouraging pro-lifers to stop ignoring babies lost in miscarriage and one part suggestions for what you can do if you or someone you know is miscarrying. I hope it's helpful.
Blessings for a good, safe, fun weekend, everyone!
Today is the fourth anniversary of our first child's due date. It's pretty much all I have of him. Had Peter survived the pregnancy he would be four years old today.
I wonder if he would look like me or Travis. I wonder if he would prefer chocolate or vanilla. I wonder what would make him laugh. I wish I could hear him say my name and I wish I could scoop him up in my arms.
Awhile ago someone anonymously mailed me an image of Christ holding a small child. I consider it my only picture of my son and I greatly appreciate the gift.
For Peter's sake I gather prayer intentions on the 15th of each month. The intentions can be related to infertility, the loss of a child, a failed adoption - anything that is related to the longing for a child.
As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.
You may share your prayer request in the comment box or by emailing me at bonnie engstrom at gmail dot com.
Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.
It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!
I am really proud to share with you that a dear friend of mine is beginning a support group for women who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or death. The meetings are at St. Phil's in Peoria and the first one is this Monday, September 12th at 6:30pm.
I encourage you to come, no matter how recently or long ago you lost your child!
They are also planning a healing retreat for October 22nd.
Below is the information from their Facebook page. Please pass it on to anyone who may be interested in being involved in the future.
May the peace of Christ be with you all!
Have you, or has someone you know, experienced the miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of a child? We will be starting a monthly support group for women who have experienced these events in their lives. The group will meet in the Sacred Heart room at St. Philomena Catholic Church starting on September 12th from 6:30 - 8:00pm. Please tell anyone whom you think would like support in these areas.
*The Sacred Heart room is located under the rectory; enter the basement on the north side of the building.
The first annual healing retreat, also called "A Mother's Love," will be on October 22nd. More details to come...
Holy Week was emotionally exhausting. Some good friends, 38 weeks into a healthy pregnancy, lost their first child. The funeral was probably the saddest and yet most joyful I've ever been to. Our hearts go out to them and I ask you all to join me in praying for the family of Caleb Benedict.
For Travis and I it brought to the surface many, many feelings of sorrow and grief. Watching our friends grieve while placing their hope in God took us back to the first hours, days, and weeks of the NICU while also speaking to exactly where we are now. Balancing questions and worry with blind faith in a good God.
But our friends' loss made me hurt for Peter more than I have for a long, long time. It has always been hard for me that Peter's body - only about 4 weeks old - was just "broken down" by my body and then passed. I wish I could have held his body, studied this fingers and toes and lips, memorized his size and shape in my arms. I wish I could have breathed his scent, washed his body, dressed him in special clothes. I wish I could have given him a dignified burial.
Because it is one of my favorite posts I am reposting below something I wrote in January 2010.
January is the month that our first child, Peter, was due to be born. The 15th was his official due date, and it was a day that came and went without tears, just a brief acknowledgement that it was here and he wasn't.
I know that if Peter would have survived then L would not be here, which is a tricky truth.
I bring him up, not for condolences, but because I want you to remember him the same way I do. He is always present to me as a great litany of questions and imagined features, giggles and hugs. I suppose, more than anything, I want people to be more compassionate to mothers who have miscarried and to their families. I still grieve for the child I never knew.
You have to read this post by DoctorGianna at her blog, The Children I Cannot Hold. She compares people who are infertile with people who are "super-fertile", as she calls them.
I was very moved by what she wrote, and was going to leave a long comment. Instead I'll just blog my thoughts here. :)
Trav and I have 4 kids, our first was lost to miscarriage, a 2 yr old, an 8 mo old, and I'm 6 mo preggo.
My husband and I DO practice NFP, just maybe not very "well". (har har) We were able to use it successfully to achieve our first two pregnancies, and to not achieve pregnancy for awhile after the miscarriage.
After our firstborn I was too tired to chart and conceived our 8 mo old while we were "recklessly having sex", as I jokingly say. The baby I'm carrying now was conceived P-6. (For those not up on their NFP jargon, that's 6 days before peak day, which is the most likely day of ovulation. It is technically within the realm of fertile days, but usually sperm only lives 2-3 days in a fertile woman.)
We feel like God is blessing us abundantly, but I also feel very strongly that this is MY path to sanctification. There are a lot of crosses to be carried every day, including the cross of knowing that other women would trade everything to be in my place. When L whines while Ben fusses, or when the naps just don't seem to want to happen, or the poopy diaper leaks all over the entire outfit I just put on the freshly bathed child I sometimes want to roar curses. Afterwards I apologize to God and the kids, and I remind myself that I need God's mercy, and these crosses have been given to me by God, handpicked by Him especially for me. I need to try to do my best with them.
At the risk of being redundant, I want to be perfectly clear: my children are enormous blessings. It is the craziness, physical pain, exhaustion, frustrations, etc. that come with them that are the crosses.
Of course there is a difference in the crosses borne by those who are infertile and those who are super-fertile, but we all should be mindful that God opens and closes the womb as He sees fit. I have experienced infertility through the loss of Peter; I am currently in a "super-fertile" stage. Yet I am very aware that while we may have more children, we may not. Kaitlin at More Like Mary - More Like Me said it beautifully when she wrote that children are ONLY gifts and they are ALWAYS gifts.
Oh Mother Mary, St. Elizabeth and St. Hannah - pray for us!
As most readers of this blog know, in May 2007 I miscarried our first child. It was a painful loss and feelings of grief, blame, inadequacies and guilt were overwhelming. What caught us off guard but was just as painful was the lack of support for parents like Travis and I, especially within the context of the Catholic Church, and the lack of recognition most pro-life people gave to our first child. I don't blame those people for how they reacted or didn't react; had I not gone through the process myself I too would not know what to say or how to act with a miscarrying mother. Yet I believe that as a pro-life community we should and can do much better.
In the past few months I've become aquaintenced with several Catholic women who struggle with infertility. The pain, sadness and frustration these women feel is palpable. A few of them have shared about problems they've had for years that, when brought to the attention of their ob/gyns, were just masked with the pill while they were unknowing teens. Later, when they began to ask questions they were told they'd never be able to have children and that was that. No seeking other treatments, no getting to the cause of the problem, just a band-aid and a meaningless "I'm sorry."
To an extent I can understand how these women feel, but only to an extent. After that I wonder how much it hurts when they hear us good, procreating Catholics - blessed with fertility - make comments about "how Catholic could they be - they've been married for x many years and have no kids." I know those types of comments are made because I've heard them said and I've made them myself. Shame on all of us. Shame on me.
So this morning I googed Catholic infertility and you know what I found? Blogs and two Catholic websites offering links, support and prayers. All but one of them seem to have been created by families struggling and feeling alone. Yes, there was a statement on reproductive technologies from the USCCB (very good), but the 7th top find claimed to be Catholic and then offered help finding a sperm donor... ummm... no. Once again, as a pro-life community we can and should do much better.
So here's a question to you, if you are struggling with the inabiltiy to concieve what would you want? Someone to listen? A way to submit your name for Mass intentions? A support group of some kind? Messages of support and kindness? Education of some kind? I'm not sure if anyone will want to comment, but I want to listen if you want to talk.
Good links I found: http://www.catholicinfertility.org/ http://www.hannahstears.org/index.html http://www.usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/treatment.htm
January is the month that our first child, Peter, was due to be born. The 15th was his official due date, and it was a day that came and went without tears, just a brief acknowledgement that it was here and he wasn't.
I know that if Peter would have survived then L would not be here, which is a tricky truth.
I bring him up, not for condolances, but because I want you to remember him the same way I do. He is always present to me as a great litany of questions and imagined features, giggles and hugs.
I suppose, more than anything, I want people to be more compassionate to mothers who have miscarried and to their families. I still grieve for the child I never knew.
A friend wrote recently asking for advice for how to best support a relative through a miscarriage. This is the list I gave her, all of which are things I would have appreciated while I was losing and grieving our first child. I've added a few more things and I would love to hear from others who have more suggestions. Everyone grieves differently, so everyone needs something different, but I do believe that our society does not know what to do with a miscarrying family.
1 - Say, "This really sucks," or "I have no idea how hard this must be for you," in a strong, convicted way. After awhile I got tired of the "I'm sorry"s and the "Are you okay"s. I didn't necessarily need everyone to understand, I just wanted them to affirm my grief.
2 - Offer to help them find someone they can talk to who has miscarried. Because I knew of no one else, I found strangers via the internet. Having someone understand who was willing to listen was wonderful. Please feel free to share the link to my blog where I talk about my first child, or my email address which can be found on my profile.
3 - If the parents named their baby then call the baby by that name. It frustrates me when people who know Peter's name don't use it. I feel like yelling, "Hello! He exists!!! His name is Peter Mark!" Further, if they say they have 3 kids (but only 2 are living) then you should always say they have 3 kids, too. I think people don't refer to Peter because they don't want to bring something painful up, or they feel awkward about it. But any time someone acknowledges my first child I feel like they are respecting his life, our love for him and our pain.
4 - Go see them, and don't ask, tell them you're coming and make sure the time will be a good time. Bring some meals or restaurant gift certificates and be ready to do a household chore or sit and talk or just drop everything off. If a born child had died people would come to support the family at the funeral, etc. Their church, coworkers and friends would organize meals and bring groceries, but when a family loses an unborn baby the world says "sorry" and then keeps going. That's not enough though, and we all need to do a much better job at recognizing the dignity of every life and treating every death as one to be grieved.
5 - If you can't visit then send flowers or a card. Offices will pass around a sympathy card when a coworker's relative dies but usually not when someone miscarries. I deeply appreciated the concern that came via the phone and internet but the one sympathy card that came meant more than almost everything else. That person didn't expect me to share my feelings and I didn't feel obligated to return her message, but she took the time to buy a card, write a heartfelt note, look up my address and mail it to me. It makes me cry just to think about the way she gave dignity to my grief in that gesture.
6 - There is a small book called The Christmas Boxabout a woman who mourns the loss of her child at the grave, which is marked by an angel statue. The book helped me cry out a lot of my emotions. Also, grieving parents have erected many of those statue around the nation (search Angel of Hope or Christmas Box statue). My cousins, who have lost 3 children, are huge supporters of the book and visiting the statue. Giving the book as a gift with the nearest statue location may also be a nice gesture.
7 - Send the parents the link to the National Shrine of the Holy Innocents. They can enter their child's name in the Book of Life. A candle always burns in the memory of the babies who have died before birth and a Mass is offered for them and their families once a month.
8 - Send them the link to Share, which offers pregnancy and infant loss support. The information there may help them feel more normal in their grief, and it would probably also help you to understand what they're experiencing.
9 - Share information about Immaculate Hope Ministries, which offers healing retreats for grieving parents.
10 - Offer free childcare for any follow doctor appointments, grief meetings, or retreats, or anything else the couple may need.
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