How do you say Thank You when words fail?

The moment I saw the positive reading on the home pregnancy test I began to smile. 

I knew that we already live paycheck to paycheck and this was not the best time for another mouth to feed.

I remembered quite well the traumatic experiences I've had surrounding the last few births and knew I am not yet emotionally healed from them.

I knew we no longer had a lot of the baby equipment needed and I wasn't quite sure just where this new person would sleep or sit in the mini van.

But I couldn't stop smiling.


In the days and weeks that followed that positive ept Travis and I have felt a lot of worry. I keep praying to God, trying to figure out what He wants us to do. Does He have some kind of plan that will ease up our financial worries? Is He asking us to carry the cross of financial hardship for the rest of our foreseeable lives? And to put it bluntly, with all these mathematically improbable babies I've had I'm wondering if He's asking me to just keep having babies or to not have sex until after menopause.


But then I'd feel the baby move inside of me and it was hard to feel anything but love and joy. This pregnancy was not planned, but this baby is so very wanted. 


And it turns out, that while many people have remained silent or have only offered a smile-less "congratulations," there are many, many people who are happy for us.

At this point I don't know what to say because every time I try to muster the adequate words I am left speechless.

It is so beautifully humbling that the people I view as towers, women I feel unworthy to call friends, people whose character, virtue, and lives I admire - when they bend down to scoop me up - there just aren't words. Only tears of gratitude.

As soon as we discovered we were pregnant we had friends send us gift cards to the local grocery store and surprise us with gifts for the baby to show us that they were happy for us.

A box of books arrived for all my kiddos

When I went to the hospital and came home for a week and half of bed rest we had people send us gift cards and bring us meals. Friends who took care of my kids, cleaned my home, and watered my flowers. 

A lovely spiritual bouquet

And out of nowhere, a group of my friends secretly got together to raise money as a surprise baby shower. The amount left me in tears and completely dumbfounded.

Then there are the countless people who prayed and continue to pray for our family.

When so much love and generosity is poured out, my words seem so little, but they are sincere.

Thank you.

Dear Blogger Moms of Older Kids,

Dear Rachel, Dwija, Mary, Cari, Kelly, Mary Kate, Jessica, Nancy, Kathryn, Susan, and many more,

I've been scrolling through my Facebook feed and over and over again I see your beautiful faces and your beautiful kids. I see your handsome husbands and your cute dresses and all the smiles. And I want to tell you something:

I have five little kids. The oldest is nearly six, the youngest is only nine months. I feel like I have finally hit a good stride and, with the grace of God, I have a lot of things under control. But I wonder and I worry about what will happen as my kids get older.

Will this one ever learn to think of others first? Will that one struggle with school? Will this one resent decisions I've made? Will that one be a flirt? Will they all grow in virtue? Will they love God and their faith? Will they make good decisions about dating and sex and college and parties and friends? 

I am happily married and I have been for over seven years. I really like my husband - I like spending time with him and hanging out with him and talking about things with him. And I really like my husband - see the five kids above. He is an amazing man - a strong leader, a humble servant, a man of many talents and capabilities and a good sense of humor. But I wonder about rough patches that every marriage seems to have.

Will we have one? How will we navigate through it? How do I encourage him and not nag? How do I support and follow him when I disagree, when I'm scared, when I'm nervous? 

 I am eighty shameful pounds heavier now than I was when I got married. Six pregnancies in six years and a NICU stay and all kinds of emotional eating have left me round. Embarrassingly round.

Will I ever lose this weight? Will I have the time to exercise and do school drop off and pick up and attend daily Mass and keep the house clean and read blogs? Will I ever again fit into that Everyone Loves a German Girl t-shirt I've been holding on to for all these years?



All these thoughts, worries, questions: You answer them for me. When I see your pictures, when I read your Facebook updates and blog posts and tweets I breathe out a little sigh of relief.

Your beautiful, handsome, happy children seem so confident, funny, kind, thoughtful, eager to learn, and happy to be Catholic, even though you don't hide the hard. Your marriages seem happy, fulfilling, not without their crosses but also not without their deep, sustaining joys. Your lives seem balanced, even if that means that you are having to shift the balances every few months, seasons, or years.

I see you take the time to pursue things you love and enjoy: running, fashion, photography, chickens, gardens, writing, crafts, pampering and cooking.
I see you take the time to enjoy, encourage, support, play with, read to and love your children, meeting them where they are and raising them to the next level.
I see you take the time to honor, love, respect, care for, date, and enjoy your husbands.
I see you take the time to nurture friendships, to pray with and for your friends, to surprise them with flowers and cookies and phone calls.
I see you live a life pursuing God, finding time for prayer, enjoying and living and celebrating your faith, reading your Bible, sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ.

Your presence online is a presence in my life and I am so grateful. You are a role model for me. The words you write, the pictures you post, the quotes you share, the prayers you offer - these are sustaining and encouraging me through these years of little kids, of a still-young marriage, of eighty pounds.

Please know that I appreciate the gift you give. Please know that as you share your life you are giving me hope. Please know that I am so grateful.

So very, very grateful.

May our good God bless you and tell you "Well done, good and faithful servant."

xo,
Bonnie

I needed a pep talk

... and I got one.



Have you seen this video?  If you haven't, watch it before you finish reading. 

I watched and laughed and cried and felt like Kid President was talking to me.  Just to me.  (Even though he is clearly talking to Gabbi, who likes pancakes and is fighting cancer - like a boss!)

In my post How November Shook Me up for January I shared how discouraged I feel and how worried I am that despite my best efforts I'm not doing much to make the world a better place.  In fact, I've shared that sentiment a lot lately.

And then this video came out.
Kid President's cuteness, humor, use of Journey lyrics, and fantastic dancing made me realize a few things.

"We were made to be awesome."

If anything, what I've been through with JF should validate that there is beauty and goodness even in the darkest of times.  We were made to be awesome and it really is within our reach. 

 "We can cry about it or we can dance about it."
Life is good. I have periods of time where I feel discouraged/disappointed/downtrodden but for the most part I am happy. In fact, I would say that I live a joyful life.  I should be dancing.

"Create something that will make the world awesome."
My Space Jam really is my kids, my family, my home.  With Travis and God I have already made something that does make the world awesome.  I just need to foster those kiddos, tickle them, read to them, dance with them, tell them I love them... tell them that they make the world awesome.

I think it's okay to have bad days and to upset about things.  I don't regret that I felt or wrote those things.  In fact writing about them and being supported by you all helped me dust myself off, get myself to confession, and appreciate the fact that I am living my dream - of being happily married to an awesome man and being a stay at home mom.  It's not a stupid dream; I don't have to change it.  I just needed to get back to a place where I could appreciate it.

So - you- yeah you!  What's your Space Jam?

my thoughts on the alleged miracle

Fifteen months ago my son was delivered a stillborn.  It was the middle of the night and there were only a small group of people with me.  Three of us present asked Fulton J. Sheen to pray with us and ask God for a miracle.  Our wording was not quite so specific, but the Holy Spirit understands the groanings of the soul. 

It wasn't until the emergency room staff was prepared to call time of death - 61 minutes after he had been born - that my son's heart began to beat.  Medical staff did not think he would live because no one comes back to life after being dead for an hour and stays alive for long.  No one thought he would live.  And then he did.  So the experts thought he would be severely disabled, and let me tell you exactly what that meant.

Diapers for the rest of his life.
Blindness.
A feeding tube because he would aspirate on any and all foods and liquids.
Unable to walk.
Unable to stand.
Unable to hold his head up.
Unable to open his hands and grasp items.
Unable to stretch out his arms.
Seizures.
Inability to speak or communicate in any way.

It's such a cold list, and one that is incomplete I'm sure.  But now let me tell you what that list meant for us.

A different family dynamic than we had ever imagined.
My son not being able to see me smile or look with love and pride at him.
James not being able to eat his first birthday cake, Halloween candy, a perfect fall apple, my homemade pizza; or to have a refreshing drink of water, his first sip of beer, champagne at his wedding.  No Holy Communion.
No dancing, hopping, jumping, running with his family and friends. 
Probably no friends.
No getting down on one knee to propose to a girl or laying prostrate on a cathedral floor.
Not being able to turn to look at a sunset, a Christmas tree, a crucifix.
My son not being able to hold my hand.
My son not being able to wrap his arms around me and give me a hug.
Medications and doctor visits and therapists and stares and whispers and emergency room visits for the rest of his life.
Never getting to hear my son call me "Mommy" or tell me he loves me. 

That list meant that I had to mourn a lifetime of moments that I assumed I'd get:  first steps, first day of school, first communion, science projects, playdates with his friends, high school dances, graduation - the rest of his life as I had pictured it.  My son was still alive but I was mourning the loss of the son I thought I was getting.  The pain from all that was so great that I still cry about it.

So what to do when that list was taken away?  The doctors cannot give good reason as to why he is alive and well.  One of his NICU doctors has said, "The CPR must have been very, very good."  But it wasn't.  The oxygen bag wouldn't seal around his mouth and nose though different people tried various times.  Attempts at intibation (putting an oxygen tube into the lungs) failed at least 3 times.  The boy wasn't getting oxygen.  No oxygen = no life.  It's that simple. 

Some have jokingly called James Fulton "The Boy Who Lived."  I like that joke.  What I don't appreciate are all the comments of hatred, ignorance, bigotry, stupidity, and/or arrogance that come in comment boxes related to James' story.  How can people be so mean about a little boy who was dead and came back to life?

I know that James' story has brought joy to many, many people.  I know James' story has affirmed the existence of God for some doubters.  I know James' alleged miracle has brought hope and a renewed faith to many people. 

I also know that for many his story is too hard to hear.  Every day I hear of people begging for a miracle - a healing, a restoration, an answered prayer.  Their grief - their lists - are just as cold and heavy as mine was.  For some of these people James' story hardens their hearts and makes them angry at God and resentful towards us.  I can understand and appreciate their feelings. 

I think it's important that people know that this didn't happen to us because we prayed the right way, or had the perfect number of people praying.  It didn't happen to us because our family is perfect.  Neither is our marriage perfect.  Neither are we perfect.  I am high strung, quick to judge, and I can really cuss when I'm mad.  I didn't deserve to be the mother of a "miracle baby". 

Life is easier lived when viewed through the lens of "this is what I was given" instead of "this is what I deserve".  During those 61 minutes, and then the first days, and then the 7 weeks of the NICU stay my life was harder when I cried out "Why?" and much more peaceful when I focused on God's will.  Had I been living God's will to the best of my abilities in the time before the stillborn birth?  Yes.  Was I trying to live God's will to the best of my abilities in the time after the stillborn birth?  Yes.  That was all I needed to know.  "His will is our peace."

Travis and I truly believe that Fulton Sheen was praying with us during those 61 minutes.  We truly believe that saints are more alive than we on earth are and that their prayers are powerful because they are truly before the Lord.  We believe that Fulton Sheen's intercession was integral to what happened next.  We believe that God wanted James and Sheen to be connected in this way and, if it be God's will, we hope that this alleged miracle will be declared an official miracle and Sheen will be beatified because of it.  We believe all of this is for God's greater glory and it is an honor and privilege to be a part of it.

All of this has come out because of recent media coverage, such as the Peoria Journal Star and because of the closing of the tribunal that investigated whether or not James was miraculously healed.  There is still a long process ahead - translating the documents into Italian, having European medical experts look over the case, having theologians look at the case, etc.  If it is declared a miracle I'm sure more ugliness will be spouted.  Travis and I want to promote Sheen's name and good works, God's saving power, and the amazing story of our son.  But today I just had to vent a little bit.

What I should have said

Yesterday the kids and I went to the bank.  JF was strapped in the double stroller and slightly fussy.  Ben, who was supposed to be strapped in the double stroller, was walking around it in his stocking feet.  L, who was supposed to be standing sweetly next to the stroller, was following Ben.

If we had been at Mass we would have been in the hall.  But we were at the bank and the teller had made a mistake so it was taking longer and the kids were a little noisy but not that bad.  I mean, sometimes babies fuss and there's nothing wrong with little kids playing and laughing.

But the grumpy old man the next station over must have thought they were more than a handful and he told his teller, "I'm glad they're not my kids."

I looked at his teller, who looked at me.  She clearly felt awkward.  I didn't say anything, though I decided that if we left at the same time I'd let him know I had heard what he said and that I found it offensive.  I don't think he was intending to be mean - I think he was essentially saying the same thing that everyone is saying when they comment, "Your hands are full!"  Unfortunately for him he just sounded more rude.

But what I wish I would have done is said, clearly and just as loudly as he had, "Sir, I am glad they're not yours, too.  I wouldn't give such joy to one who cannot appreciate its value."

BOO-YAH!

I want to be bold

One day I was scrubbing in at the NICU and James' doctor spotted me and approached.  She reported that James was not doing well and when I asked why she said it was because of the brain trauma.  It was not the news I wanted to hear.  She left and I went back to my washing, trying not to break down in the very public NICU entrance.

I was not doing a very good job.  My eyes were filled with tears, my chin was quivering, I was biting my lip, and I was choking back sobs.

And then a woman approached me.  A concierge at the hospital, she must have watched the exchange from across the room.  She came with a box of tissues and a sincere look of compassion and concern on her face.  She put her arm around my back, placing her free hand on my shoulder and she asked if I was okay.  Did I just get some bad news?  Was there anything she could do?  She expressed her sympathy and told me she would pray for me and my son.  She took my hand and squeezed it and we parted ways - she went back to her desk and I went to James' bedside.

It was a warm, tender moment and I still carry it in my heart.  I know the woman is a Christian and I believe she was loving me as she would Christ.  If I was Jesus to her, she was Veronica to me.

More recently I was checking out at the grocery store.  James was crying which was making Ben fuss and L worry.  I was feeling completely frazzled when a woman approached me.  "May I hold your son and comfort him?" she asked, seeing I was busy with paying and keeping my eye on my other two children.  With my permission she scooped him up and soothed him. 

"I will walk you to your car," she told me. She told me she had raised 5 children, all closely spaced, and so she knew how hard it could be at times.  She held James and then buckled him in as I got L and B in their car seats and loaded my groceries.  She told me how blessed I was and then went back to the store to do her shopping.  There was no judgement about my inability to keep my cool while my kids fussed, let alone keep them happy in the first place.  She didn't judge how closely they were spaced or ask if we were done having kids. 

She just served me.  Like Simon the Cyrene, she bore my cross for a moment.

These two women spent no more than five minutes with me but what they did really mattered. I felt alone and scared and overwhelmed by my immediate situation when those women intervened in my life. 

I want to be more like these women.  I want to be bold.  I want to love and serve the people I encounter in ways that are real and meaningful.  I want to take the opportunities that are before me to actually live out my love of Christ.
 
Most of my days I am surrounded by 3 little kids and so I may not be able to do something similar to what these women did.  My hands are pretty full, so I might not be able to carry something for you.  (But I might!)  I actually have an idea of something I'd like to do - to be more intentional about - so that I can keep Christ always before me and reach out to people in need so they don't feel as overwhelmed or alone.

But first I'd love to hear from you!  What are your thoughts?  Do you have examples of people being bold and intentional in the way they have lived out their faith in their every day lives?   How might God be calling you to love and serve Him in the people you encounter? 

Give Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for my children, my husband, my mom.  My dad, brothers, and grandparents.  I'm thankful for my Catholic faith and my faithful God.  I am thankful for the miracle of life.

In no particular order, I give thanks for:

chocolate, insurance, our house, our cars, my brother-in-law's training as a mechanic, my brother-in-law, my mother and father-in-law, heck - all my in-laws are great.

owning a washer and dryer and dishwasher, people who give me their old clothes, all the people who spiritually, emotionally, financially or otherwise supported us through the last two months.

my alma mater, my husband's two best friends (Charlie and Toby) who are such amazing men, the priests who hear my confessions, coupons, Dr. Pepper, neonatologists, my midwife Bernice.

my friends, my friends whose kids are my kids friends, my children's godparents: Katie, Michael, Fr. H, Kimberly, Charlie and Jenny

autumn, liturgical seasons, the thinning effect of the color black, our couch, books, youtube, facebook, blogs, the Behold Conference, Rose Marie.

living between two cities with amazing young Catholic communities, Newman Centers, FOCUS, Johnny Cash, Sara Groves, Jars of Clay, 826 Valencia, St. Nicholas, JPII, Joan of Arc, St. James, Archbishop Fulton Sheen, Mother Teresa.

homemade pizza, hummus, guacamole, root beer and a Sunday Bears game.

traditions, the Eucharist, redemptive suffering, merciful friends, the chocolate chip cookie recipe I've finally found that I love.

feeding therapy, JF's night nurse Megan, volunteer EMTs, Christian radio, our kind neighbors, my dining room curtains, fertility, four years of marriage.

I know this list is silly at times, so here's the bottom line:

God has blessed me with many good things.  He has given me a husband I love and respect, who loves and respects me too.  He has given me many friends, several of which are very dear.  He has filled my life with examples of honesty, humility, kindness, generosity, joy, love, and beauty.  He has provided for my family well beyond our basic needs.  We are so blessed.

What are you grateful for?  Leave a comment or link to your own list.  I'd love to know all the things you're thankful for!



Christmas before Thanksgiving

It's annoyed me for years that Christmas decorations go up in shopping malls before Thanksgiving, but now people are beginning to decorate their homes in mid November, too. 

I've always wondered about the people who celebrate Christmas all through Advent and then take down the decorations on December 26th.  Are they so tired of it all that they're ready to get it over with?  Merriment, peace on Earth, Jesus' birthday: check, check, check.  Several years ago I spent so much time celebrating Christmas in the month of December that by the 24th I was done with it.  I'm sure that's not how it is for everyone, and I'm sure a lot of it comes down to how different denominations celebrate liturgical seasons. (do other denominations even have liturgical seasons?) 

But today I had a thought.  In our culture Christmas often has very little to do with Christ but is much more about other good things:  joy, family, love, warmth, feasting, gifts, pretty decorations, feelings.  To me, this shows a kind of bankruptcy - especially when it's Christians who are losing the focus.  And I wondered if we are so bankrupt that we have to fill ourselves up with good, but lesser things.  So we rush past Thanksgiving - barely acknowledging things like food, shelter, a good harvest, fair weather, family, health - in order to make ourselves feel better. 

A Christmas tree and some lights on our gutters are not bad things.  But I do feel like it's incredibly important to be thankful for the blessings we have, and to not lose focus on the meaning of a day that has been intentionally set aside for that purpose.  And I do think that part of giving Thanksgiving its proper respect is to keep the Christmas decorations in their boxes for just a little bit longer.

What do you think?  This was a thought borne today on a car ride and I'm not set on it yet.  I'd love to hear your perspectives and thoughts if you'd like to share them. 

Open to Life

That was the attitude Travis and I took - we weren't trying to get pregnant but we also knew there was a small chance we might.

And as my temperature never went down on my NFP chart I started to suspect that our little "open to life" bit meant that there was another life. And I'll be honest, I was a little overwhelmed at the thought of 3 under 3.

But after I took the ept, I sat on my bed and told God He would have to provide. How else could we do it? Looking at the chart I felt that He wanted this baby to exist. (Read: The conception was not miraculous, but well beyond the normal.)

The way that He has provided since that positive test has been amazing.

- We thought we owed our midwife $500 for Ben's birth. She said insurance paid for everything plus $3.20, which she's crediting to this new baby.
- Someone decided that our hand-me-down sofa just wouldn't do and bought us a new one, one that is much easier to get out of when you're 9 months pregnant or holding a sleeping newborn.
- He made it abundantly clear which mini-van to buy.
- An anonymous donor gave us $500 via my spiritual director. When I returned home with the gift our car insurance bill was in the mail, for $480.
- A friend of the family bought us a new laptop, something we'd been trying to (unsuccessfully) save for. This laptop helps Travis with his master's program, half of which is online, and me with my very part time, work from home job.

This abundance of gifts reassured me that everything would be okay. God is faithful, and He had chosen to bless Travis and I in an awesome way - with another child.

This whole experience has taught me is that fertility is a gift - a great gift - and I will not curse God that He has given it to me. I will try to not become anxious or troubled or angry with God that I am pregnant again. I will not be afraid of having a baby 2 weeks after Ben's 1st birthday. My vocation is to be a wife and mother, and clearly God has some great plans for my sanctification. 

Okay, honestly, sometimes I do worry about it all but I then run through the amazing ways that God has blessed us through the heroic generousity of others and His clear guidance and I feel reassured. 

It's like what Sara Groves said,

God has been faithful, He will be again.  His loving compassion knows no end.  All I have need of His Hand will provide.  He's always been faithful to me.

God's Hand in my life

It is amazing how many "good things" happen to me when I pray more and speak honestly of the generosity of God.

This is not to say that I earn them in some way, or that God is rewarding me for being holier. I believe that I am tuning myself to God and gratitude. When I make a deliberate effort to be thankful for all the things we have (Trav's job, health insurance, healthy children and loved ones, rum and coke) then I am more likely to notice all the good things that happen, and in turn I am more likely to give credit where credit is due. And the more I speak of it (give due credit) - to my husband, children, friends and Facebook friends - the more I notice wonderful things in my life. But not only do I notice more, I believe those wonderful things actually happen more.

For example, 3 employees at Krogers gave me $5 the other day when I told them I couldn't afford to buy the jar of tahini they had helped me find. They insisted I take the money, telling me to buy my tahini, make my hummus and pass on the good deed. They joyfully gave to me and I was in tears as I accepted their money.

Another example, God has recently asked us to take on a new responsibility, one that may seem irresponsible to many outsiders. But we feel blessed by His decision, and in an act of faithfulness, He provided for us by having our insurance cover 100% of Ben's birth, along with all my pre and post natal care. The $500 we thought we'd have to pay our midwife we can now use for other bills. And just to show how He likes to go above and beyond, our midwife is crediting $3.20 for out next child because that's how much extra the insurance company paid her.

I have also been asked to be part of two upcoming Catholic women's conferences. These invitations have provided me with chances to work with other women of faith, be challenged and encouraged, and to use the talents I was blessed with. I am honored to be a part of these events, especially because doing so fulfills a desire I have for this sort of work. I am sure my involvement in them are just more ways that God is forming and loving me.

Lastly, after creating a home-made Valentine's Day themed centerpiece for our dining room table, my husband actually 1) noticed it and 2) commented on how nice it looked!!! His compliment meant so much to me, and well, actually I'm still pretty happy about it, 20 hours later. :)

What good things has God done in your life lately?

Thanksgiving

Good and gracious Father, thank You for the abundance of blessings you have brought to my life.

I am thankful for:

Travis, and the way that he loves me

L, and the love, cuteness and fun she brings to my life

My parents, and their support, care and love

My in-laws, and the way they have brought me into their family

My brothers and their wives, who are such good people

Katie, LB, Em, Liz, Jolene, Mia, Ash, Rach, Margaret, Sr. MC, Sr. MN and all my friends and family

Our home, our health insurance, Travis' job and job security, my job, MVV and our cars

Our health

The food You provide for us

Holy Mother Church and all the Sacraments

That You reign with Jesus Christ, Our Lord, and the Holy Spirit.

A very restful, peaceful, joyful Thanksgiving to all my readers!