A song for Peter's birthday

Today is our first baby's due date.

He would be seven, had he been born and lived.

I wonder if he would have had allergies and loved trains like his brothers.

Maybe he would have had a birthday party with sledding and hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows in the fire with a couple of friends from school.

He would be in second grade and preparing for his first confession and first Holy Communion.

I have missed 2,555 days with him so far, and more if you factor in the pregnancy. Every single one of those days was a little less full because he hasn't been with us. Even with the craziness of five other kids and the loud house and the full bedrooms there is a little empty space where he should be.

You probably don't notice it but I do. I do.


"How can you say there are too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."
- Mother Teresa


Today Danielle Rose is releasing her new song "Little Flower." She wants to build up a culture of life, a culture that loves and cherishes all children. Her beautiful song and her beautiful video and the Mother Teresa quote are not exactly about babies like my Peter, babies who died through miscarriage. But in  the culture that Danielle is working and praying for babies like my Peter matter because every single life matters.

So today, for Peter's could-have-been-birthday, I'm sharing this song in hopes that it helps build up that culture. Thank you, Danielle, for your beautiful gift. Thank you, God, for my beautiful children.

Happy birthday, Peter.

7QT - Christmas trees, BSB, and Christmas card stats

1 -(Usually I begin with a song, and this week it was going to be Valerie June's cover of Winter Wonderland but I couldn't get it to embed. If you want to hear it, click this link and fast forward to 21 minutes 17 seconds.)

Most people will not like this song but that's okay, I'm a firm believer that I have good taste in bad music. I heard it on the radio the other night and, what can I say? The stompy- clappy songs always make me happy. Shout out to my friend Meaghan who actually knew what I meant when I asked Facebook who sang a version of Winter Wonderland that was "mix of modern folk and twangy old country, sung by a woman" with "grit". 

2 - I ended up getting the Christmas cards below from Minted but still bought some at Target because I didn't order enough. The backs of the cards have a sticker I made that reads, "In 2014 Travis bought a car with working a/c; Bonnie presented to 1500+ people in 4 states; L began reading chapter books; Ben taught himself to ride his bike; JF finagled his way into spending lots of time with his grandmas; Resa was adorable; and JP learned to crawl, walk, & climb on the table. We hope your year was just as fun!"

I'm waiting on 4 addresses and have 2 cards left but I'll figure something out. Other stats about my Christmas cards (because I find this type of thing interesting and would have done all this counting even if I wasn't going to blog it):

Cards sent: 111

International: 2

In state: 78

Out of state: 31

Town I grew up in: 12

Town I live in now: 5

Friends from elementary or high school: 5

Newman Center friends: 20

Friends from college: 2

Nuns: 2

Relatives of Fulton Sheen: 1

My family: 25

Travis' family: 14

People who may not really even like me but they got a card anyway: 5

3 - While signing our names on the Christmas cards there were a couple of times I wanted to sign Peter's name but it felt like I shouldn't, that it would make people uncomfortable. So when my friend M, whose baby girl K passed away a few years ago, shared this article about family pictures and how they often don't show the whole story - well, gosh, it made me feel so normal. If you are missing a baby (or even if you're not) this is a beautiful article: Pictures Can Lie by Kathy from Kissing the Frog.

4 - One of the ways I keep Peter in our Christmas is by hanging this "Baby's First Christmas" ornament. I wish he was here.

5 - Speaking of Christmas trees... This past Saturday it was near 60 degrees in Central Illinois and the whole family went out to cut down a Christmas tree at a local farm.

It's huge, we don't have enough lights on it, the kids loaded it with tinsel garland, the star is crooked and scrapes the ceiling, and it feels a bit like a tree monster is invading the living room - but I LOVE it.

6 - The new Backstreet Boys documentary. I want to watch it. Anyone else? Besides Mia?


7 - These have taken way, way, way too long and I just need to be done. Supper needs to be made, kids put to bed, and a movie watched with my husband. It's the first day of Christmas break. :)

Thank you, Kelly, for hosting!

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(we've got the best) Baby Names

Ivan, Miriam, Elizabeth, Blaise, Linus, Katherine, Andrew, Stephen - those are the names we didn't use. 

Lydia, Bennet, James, Teresa, Joseph - those are the names we did.

We like to name our kids after family and saints. We like to believe that when we say our children's names we are also invoking the prayers of the saints they are named for.

Lydia Anne. Lydia was the name of my great grandmother, it was also the name of one of the early followers of Christ. I've known for years that I wanted to use the name Lydia for a daughter; I think it's pretty and unique without being *unique*. Anne is a nod to my mother-in-law (it's her middle name) and Jesus' grandma. I spelled it with an 'e' because of Anne of Green Gables.

Bennet Mark. My dad actually suggested the name Bennet. I wanted to name my son after my grandfather Benno but I couldn't use the actual name Benno and I didn't want to use Ben or Benjamin. I also wanted to name my son after Pope Benedict but when I mentioned the name people usually responded, "Like Benedict Arnold?" Yes. Yes, people. I want to name my son after the great American traitor. Give him something to live up to. No. But like I said, my dad suggested Bennet and it ended up being perfect. We spelled it with one t not knowing people spell it with two. (Two just seemed superfluous.) It is also the way Jane Austen spells it in Pride and Prejudice. Mark is Travis' middle name and is also a nod to St. Mark. 

James Fulton. For the record, I really wanted him to be named Linus Fulton. I still do. But Travis won and his name is James. James is my brother-in-law's middle name and it's also a nod to St. James the Greater, whose feast I was born on (July 25th). Fulton, of course, is for Venerable Fulton J. Sheen. Once, someone online talked about James' alleged miracle and then commented that she thought it was weird that we hadn't named him after Fulton Sheen. I was a little confused because we did name him for Fulton Sheen and it's not like we were going to change his name once the miracle happened. Critics...

Teresa Marie. Teresa was the girl name we would have used it James would have been a girl. I really love Mother Teresa (who doesn't?!) and our daughter is named for her. There's no 'h' and it's pronounced "tur-ee-suh" which I tell you because people say it weird all the time, like they're trying to make it more Catholic. Her name is Teresa Marie - it's Catholic enough. Oh, and Marie is for my mom (it's her middle name) and for Jesus' mom, of course. 

Joseph Peter. Joseph was a name we had thought about many times over the years but it finally felt right with this baby. Travis' confirmation name is Joseph and we both have a strong devotion to him. It's also the middle name of one of my family members. Peter is for our son, Peter Mark, whom I miscarried. It was Travis' idea to name Joseph after his big brother and I love it. My grandpa likes to call him Joseph P. Engstrom and it's adorable.

Bonus:
Peter Mark. We didn't name our first baby until I was miscarrying. Travis felt very strongly that I was pregnant with a boy and I really wanted to use the name Peter. I have a deep love of St. Peter and I see myself in him, especially when he says, "Where else can we go, Lord? You have the words of eternal life." Mark is for Travis, since it's his middle name. 

I love my kids' names. They're filled with meaning, they're pretty timeless, and they're names that fit them now and will suit them later in life. They'll look good on resumes and no one will ever wonder about their gender. I think we did well.

This is the great link-up post. Kathryn at Team Whitaker is searching for names for her soon-to-arrive bambino and so is hosting a little baby name link-up. This is one of my 7 in 7 posts for Jen at Conversion Diary. I'm also calling it my Five Favorite Baby Names (+ one) to join Hallie at Moxie Wife.

7QT - a bday card, Little Joe, and potentially I'm a snob

Thank you, Jen, for hosting. You're the best. I can't wait for your book to arrive at my door and I'm still offering to give you a blurb for your second edition.
"Best book I've ever read!" Bonnie, inconsequential blogger

1 - Yay for country music!

2 - JP is now 7 and a half months old.  Time flies, eh? The last 5 or so weeks have been really great and full of milestones.

Like the baby of mine, who went through a phase where I had to hold him all. the. time. finally started napping and going down for bed really, really well. If he rubs his face on my shoulder I know he's ready to sleep. I lay him in his crib, wrap him with his blanket, give him a kiss, make the sign of the cross on his forehead, tell him I love him, and walk away. He might fuss for a minute but often he doesn't. (Thank You, Jesus!)


2 - He's started joining us for meals instead of just nursing. (yessss-uh!)

He eats a lot of prunes, applesauce, sweet potatoes and it's amazing how much he eats. The boy packs it away. He also likes to chew on the spoon.


3 - He started to sit up on his own. And teethe (he has the two bottom ones and his top left canine, and he's got more coming!)

He likes to sit and play on the living room floor so he can be close to the action. He loves to watch the trains go by on the Thomas tracks that Ben, JF, and I build. And more than anything, he likes to chew on things.


4 - And doesn't he look adorable with that hat? When I was pregnant Erica from Just 11 Stitches sent it to me to congratulate me on my newest baby. So sweet.

5 - In January we celebrated Peter's due date birthday. We had a nice dinner and even had cake. L made a birthday card for the big brother she never met and it just about made me cry.

"Happy Birthday dear Peter. My heart is broken."

And then she drew a picture of a broken heart! I mean the kid is killing me here!

"Balloons"

"Cupcake"

"Candle"

Seriously, best kindergartner ever.

6 - There's some interesting feedback in the comment box on my "What do I want from my parish?" post. Lately I have been in an interesting place, stuck between being incredibly busy and craving nothing more but to sit on the sofa with my husband at the end of the day and wanting *more* from Catholics (including myself) in terms of evangelizing. We have the Truth! Our faith is Beautiful and Fun! What we know about Christ and how we experience Him in our Sacraments is compelling! Life giving! 

It strikes me as sad that people *only* want coffee and donuts from their parish. Not to knock that activity - which I think is a really good one - but in my mind that's like someone at a 3 star Michelin restaurant ordering toast. To me it says that our parishes just might be in pretty pathetic shape if we're wishing for coffee and donuts. Gosh, do I sound snobby?

If you haven't commented I would love to hear what you wish your parish offered. You can hear what I wish my parish offered and read others' comments by clicking over. 

7 - And this one's for all the Freaks and Geeks fans out there.

Happy Feast Day, Ye Olde Blog*!

Let me fess up about something.

Amanda, a friend of mine who does not blog but doles out her wisdom, humor, and wonderfulness the old fashioned way - through personal interactions, gave me the name for my blog. For a long time I wrote under the title "Learning to Be a Newlywed" and then without having learned all my lessons I was no longer a newlywed and it was time to move on.

Amanda's clever title was (I think) mostly a reference to my son JF (Short version of that story: JF was a stillborn because of a knot in his umbilical cord, but he amazingly came back to life after being dead for 61 minutes and miraculously is okay thanks to the intercession of Ven. Sheen. The Vatican is looking into it as a possible *real* miracle that will get Sheen beatified. More info here.)

I loved the title because it perfectly went along with what this blog has always been about: me figuring out my vocation, working out my salvation with fear and trembling, having it all untangled for me by the grace of God and the help of my loved ones. It also made me think of an image I had seen of our Blessed Mother before.

I googled "Mary untying knots" and sure enough there she was, in a beautiful painting. I read about the devotion and I felt like it was a perfect fit for my blog and my life.

After I began blogging under Mary, Undoer of Knots' protection I also learned that many Catholics who struggle with infertility have a devotion to her. I found that especially touching since I had been praying for such couples for a long time in honor of my miscarried son, Peter. I called it "for Pete's sake" and usually ran it on the 15th of each month because he was due on January 15th.

And now we have Pope Francis, whose devotion to Mary under this title has brought even more attention to the Undoer of Knots.

Today I was happy to Catholic Cuisine share some ideas to celebrate today, September 28th being a day suggested to commemorate Mary under this title. I thought it would then also be a fitting day to reinstate my "for Pete's sake" prayer ministry.

As you may know, my last pregnancy was very difficult for me and that was followed by postpartum depression. That led to me barely being able to pray at all. I tried to, I really did, but offering up my suffering was incredibly difficult and because of that I didn't do a "for Pete's sake" for a very long time. Lately though I've been feeling much better and I once again feel called to pick up this small ministry of mine. I've therefore added a button on my sidebar and a tab at the top of my site. If you or someone you know needs prayers related to infertility or the loss of a child please head to that section of the blog and let me know about it. I will pray with Our Lady and trust that the knots in your hearts, wombs, and lives will be untangled.

But today is a feast day so let's not be sad. Let's pray for our pope, buy some Twizzlers, tie them in knots, and celebrate!

Happy Feast Day everyone!


*I always refer to my blog as "ye olde blog" because I'm lame like that. Thanks for reading anyways.

for Pete's sake

Today is Peter Mark's due date.  Had he lived we'd be celebrating his 5th birthday.  Maybe not today, but January 15th is all I have.  I know that he died because of a chromosomal issue and he wouldn't have been able to live outside of the womb.  But I wish I could have carried him long enough to to have held and then buried his little body.  I still feel like such a failure because I couldn't bury him.

Peter's "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.

 In the comment box of a recent post I shared the following story.  It's something I imagine to explain why Peter died and it brings me comfort.  I thought I'd share it here, too.

  

While God was knitting my son in the quiet, secret place He told him that He would like to use his little brother to do a miracle. There could be several ways it could play out, but would Peter be willing to sacrifice something so it could play out in a certain way? And then I imagine God telling Peter that instead of being born he could just come to Heaven, which would lead me - his Momma - on a path to choose homebirth.

Because Peter would have been born in a hospital and if his birth would have been anything like his sister's (over 20 hours of labor and a big baby) I think it would have ended in a c-section. And so I think my next baby, Ben 10lb 11oz, would have also been a c-section. And JF, born so soon after Ben and another large baby, would have also been a c-section. A c-section = no stillborn = no miracle.

I imagine Peter hearing this and saying Yes, he would do it.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box. Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

Also, can you please join me in praying for Jen and Emma and Fulton?

It is an honor to pray for you. Thank you for the privilege.

love song link up

Over at Betty Beguiles Hallie is hosting a little love song link up where she invited her readers to post about their favorite love songs.  Taking a slightly different twist on the matter I thought I'd post the songs that make me think of the people in my family.  They're love songs, just not the romantic kind.
Travis:

The first dance at our wedding reception was to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of What a Wonderful World and that song is special to me.  But I still consider this "our song."

Peter:

A lot of the things Sara lists in this song are things Peter never got the chance to lose.  But even though he lost his life he cannot lose my love.

L:

This song came out right around the time of L's birth.  Every time I heard it I thought of my little girl, this new soul trying to figure things out in the world and I was given the blessing of leading her by the hand.  So lovely.

Ben:

This song came out around the time of Ben's birth.  Looking at my great big baby boy as he grew into the charmer he is - it is undeniable that there is a Creator behind the miracle that is life.

JF:

There were so many times I sang this song to JF while he was in the NICU and I still sing it to him as a lullaby at times.  The lyric, "with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go" made my heart ache, especially when we were still looking at the possibility of JF having a rather short and very disabled life.  Take away all the grief and jubilation and he would still be my sweet baby JF.

Resa:

The chorus of this song was the first thing I sang to my new baby girl when I held her in my arms.  Even the first time I heard it I touched my belly and thought of her.  It's so fantastic how God places just the right people together.

Peter's birthday / For Pete's Sake

Today is the fourth anniversary of our first child's due date.  It's pretty much all I have of him.  Had Peter survived the pregnancy he would be four years old today. 

I wonder if he would look like me or Travis.  I wonder if he would prefer chocolate or vanilla.  I wonder what would make him laugh.  I wish I could hear him say my name and I wish I could scoop him up in my arms.

 

Awhile ago someone anonymously mailed me an image of Christ holding a small child.  I consider it my only picture of my son and I greatly appreciate the gift.

For Peter's sake I gather prayer intentions on the 15th of each month.  The intentions can be related to infertility, the loss of a child, a failed adoption - anything that is related to the longing for a child.

As a way to honor the child I lost through miscarriage, Peter Mark, and to share your burden, please allow me to pray for you or your loved ones who are carrying the cross of infertility or loss of a child.

You may share your prayer request in the comment box or by emailing me at bonnie engstrom at gmail dot com.

Comments may be anonymous and please feel free to share as much or as little as you like.

It is an honor to pray for you! Thank you for the privilege!

the sorrow and the grief

Holy Week was emotionally exhausting.  Some good friends, 38 weeks into a healthy pregnancy, lost their first child.  The funeral was probably the saddest and yet most joyful I've ever been to.  Our hearts go out to them and I ask you all to join me in praying for the family of Caleb Benedict.

For Travis and I it brought to the surface many, many feelings of sorrow and grief.  Watching our friends grieve while placing their hope in God took us back to the first hours, days, and weeks of the NICU while also speaking to exactly where we are now.  Balancing questions and worry with blind faith in a good God.

But our friends' loss made me hurt for Peter more than I have for a long, long time.  It has always been hard for me that Peter's body - only about 4 weeks old - was just "broken down" by my body and then passed.  I wish I could have held his body, studied this fingers and toes and lips, memorized his size and shape in my arms.  I wish I could have breathed his scent, washed his body, dressed him in special clothes.  I wish I could have given him a dignified burial.

Because it is one of my favorite posts I am reposting below something I wrote in January 2010.

January is the month that our first child, Peter, was due to be born. The 15th was his official due date, and it was a day that came and went without tears, just a brief acknowledgement that it was here and he wasn't.


I know that if Peter would have survived then L would not be here, which is a tricky truth.

I bring him up, not for condolences, but because I want you to remember him the same way I do. He is always present to me as a great litany of questions and imagined features, giggles and hugs.

I suppose, more than anything, I want people to be more compassionate to mothers who have miscarried and to their families. I still grieve for the child I never knew.

Peter's would-have-been birthday

January is the month that our first child, Peter, was due to be born.  The 15th was his official due date, and it was a day that came and went without tears, just a brief acknowledgement that it was here and he wasn't.

I know that if Peter would have survived then L would not be here, which is a tricky truth.

I bring him up, not for condolances, but because I want you to remember him the same way I do.  He is always present to me as a great litany of questions and imagined features, giggles and hugs.

I suppose, more than anything, I want people to be more compassionate to mothers who have miscarried and to their families.  I still grieve for the child I never knew.

Trick or Treating and the Day of the Dead

Trick of Treating was a success! Between EC and our neighborhood we collected almost $70 for Unicef. Travis and I are both really glad we did it - not only did we get to show off our daughter, raise money for a good cause, score a couple of pieces of candy, but we also got to meet our neighbors! That last bit was so great! If you have trick or treaters yourself, I would highly encourage you to let them Trick or Treat for Unicef next year. We only had one house that didn't want to give, though we definitely caught almost everyone off guard when we turned down their candy.

Today is the Feast of All Saints, wherein the Catholic Church celebrates all those holy souls in Heaven. Tomorrow is All Souls Day, when we remember and pray for all our loved ones who have passed away (this is for everyone in Purgatory). There will be a Mass for the dead at 10:30 am at the Cathedral in Peoria on Sunday. Also, at 3:00 pm at Resurrection Cemetery on Allen Rd there will be a prayer service for all babies lost in pregnancy or infancy. We will be attending on behalf of Peter Mark. If you or anyone you know has lost a baby I welcome you to come. While it will be a Catholic service, anyone of any faith should feel comfort.

Our first baby

This is the week that my due date for our first baby fell in. On the actual date itself I went out of town to visit friends and be with people I could cry in front of and also attend Mass celebrated by a friend and offered for Peter.
The day was spent visiting and catching up with wonderful Catholic friends. And I had an excellent chai tea.

The best gift, though, was that the first reading at Mass was from the beginning of 1 Samuel - the story of Hannah's grief over not having a baby. I have been attracted to her since early in college and it brought me great comfort to mourn with her a little.


But it is still tough, and though I am almost 7 months pregnant with our second child, I would still appreciate your prayers as I continue to grieve. Pray for Trav, too. It's different for him, but still a loss.

A woman's maternity

I recently received the Sisters of Life's Winter 2007 newsletter. The entire thing is about adoption and one of the articles shares their thoughts about adoption.

Despite the fact that they are speaking of women who place their babies with adoptive families, some of their comments struck me as a woman grieving a miscarried baby. Three points in particular were especially affirming and poignant:

Maternity is forever. Once a woman is pregnant, her maternity can never be given away. She will always be a mother. There will never be a day in her life when she is ever, in her mind, someone who does not have a child. She is a mother and that is forever... One lives her motherhood all the days of her life. She knows how old her child is, always. She may not have seen the child in years - it has not affected one iota of her maternity and the reality of her active motherhood, which is real.

This statement describes how I feel about our first child. As Peter Mark's due date approaches (Jan 15th) I think about how big I would be at this point. While most other people do not think of our first, I think of him every day. I wonder about his personality, how he would have looked. I picture his fingers and toes and potbelly. I imagine holding and nursing him. And I wonder how one "mothers" someone who is experiencing life in the fullest.

She needs a lot of support, to be loved, to experience her own goodness. She needs to have others delight in her so that she can draw upon those deep reservoirs of goodness within herself. She needs love and laughter and distractions in her worries. And she needs lots of time. She may need to cry her eyes out for months. And we need to be comfortable with that.

I have found this to be very true. Not that I want to forget the pain, but I definitely do not want to be alone. Working on the house has been a blessing in disguise as it brings friends and family to us every weekend. Seldom do I speak of how I'm really feeling to these people - sometimes because it would be awkward and sometimes because it's just not needed - but it is good to chat, catch up and laugh with people. And it does feel good to be loved and cared about so that people will give up their Saturdays for us.

She will live the long loneliness, really, of experiencing and knowing a love that she cannot express, but it is not the absence of love.

This is probably the worst part of it all. I know how to love my husband, family, friends and the baby in my womb. But I don't know how to love this saint child of mine. At this point, the only thing I can do to communicate my love for him is by crying. Which I suppose is sufficient.

The sad month of May

So here it is; I'm really hoping this will be therapeutic.

In late April Travis and I thought we might be pregnant. After Mass one Sunday we went to the drug store and bought an ept. This felt funny to me. I kept thinking, "People are going to know that we did it!" I was embarrassed and tried my best to hide it, especially from the people who had also just come from Mass. But I was so excited and wanted a baby.
In the end, there was just one line. Not pregnant. But Travis didn't care. "It's just too early. You're pregnant and we're going to have a boy."

To make a long story short, I was pregnant. On May 7th I took the test again and it was positive. On the 9th the doctor's office called to confirm it and we went to our parents' homes to tell our families. On the 10th there was bleeding and cramping. The 11th I went to the doctor who said things were "worrisome." And on the 12th we found out I had miscarried.

Here's the thing. When we went to Scotland I asked a woman if we should go to the Battlefield at Bannockburn (where the Scots, led by Robert the Bruce, defeated the English). She said yes, but that it wasn't just a field any more. Homes were built up all around it. "It was major, but life goes on, ya know." So that was the approach I tried to take. We told a small group of friends, many of whom didn't even know we were pregnant. We felt overwhelmed with grief - I certainly didn't want to be overwhelmed with phone calls. So I grieved on my own or with Travis. Life goes on. But that was stupid. In fact, I think that this grieving thing would be easier if more people knew.

We had a son. He has a name. He would have been born in January. With God, Travis and I created a new, unique, little soul. I felt him in me, or at least felt the effects of him in me. He deserves to be loved and acknowledged, even if his life was only 2-3 weeks in my womb.

We call ourselves pro-life, but we focus mostly on abortions. Well, what about people like me and Travis? Where are the links for grief counseling on the Diocesan website for us? Why isn't there a section in NFP literature that explains what my body will be doing after a miscarriage? Why didn't someone tell me, as soon as they found out I was bleeding that I could save the blood and anything else.
What the hell does the doctor think he's saying when he tells a Catholic, NFPing woman to "Chin up. Think positive," when her first child has died. He has pamphlets on breastfeeding, epidurals and the pill but nothing to offer a woman who has lost her child. I know miscarriages are common - he deals with women like me every week - he should have something more than "Don't worry. You're healthy. It's not your fault. You'll be okay to have more."

I know it's not my fault, but you telling me that there was a fatal defect in the chromosomes in my son so that my body rejected him does not make me feel better. I don't care what the science is - a baby is supposed to be safe in his mother's womb. I can know it's not my fault and still feel like crap about it.

And of course we will have more, but that doesn't make up for the one we lost. Our first.

I am angry and sorrowful. But what I am most upset about is the lack of a dignified burial. I was told God does not expect us to do the impossible, but I wish I would have done something. The feelings of guilt, however, are nothing compared to the helplessness.
There's a feeling of emptiness, too. Empty womb, empty arms.

And it can be hard to be around babies. But at least I can look at an image of the Infant Christ now. I couldn't do that for weeks.

Here is the tricky part: Life does go on. We make dinner and see friends and watch movies and pick out kitchen cabinets. But I want you to know that I do want you to acknowledge him. And tell me the good things that are happening in your life. And give me a call and catch up. Just please, instead of telling me that it's not my fault, or that it'll be okay, or just that you're sorry, will you please say, even if you can't understand, "You're right, Bonnie. That sucks."

Travis and I are parents. We have one son, Peter Mark, and no matter whose singing voice he inherited, I'm sure he sounds just beautiful praising before the throne.