It was almost a year ago that a woman wrote a blog post about how to have a well-run Catholic home. There were lots of helpful tips in it and several disclaimers about season of life, and so on. So many women were inspired. So many were encouraged. Many saw how they could not or would not presently fulfill the list of to-do's but still saw the merit in the post. I myself read the post, knew that at 8 months pregnant there was no way I was going to live up to the woman's standards, and laughed it off as "not everything on the internet is written for me."
But, as I see it, she made one grand mistake. This woman wrote about all the things that can be done and should be done and she explained that "Supermom" gets them done. It did not matter that she was writing in a kind, humble, and even at times playful tone. All those caveats from earlier in her post were wiped away and what was left were hurt, insulted women.
Why am I writing about a controversy that's eleven months old? Well, as conversations online continued about this post I went back and re-read it a second time. And this time I wasn't able to laugh it off. That term - Supermom - just really irked me. In the end I broke the post down to this conclusion: You should do these things because that's what super moms do and if you do not do them then you are not a super mom. Really, you're not even a good mom. Pretty much, you suck.
And this well-written post with helpful information turned into, "Pretty much, you suck." And it weighed on me.
I have thought about that post and the conversations that surrounded it at least once a week since it was first published. Since then, and as something separate, I have also tried to understand Mercy - what it is and what it looks like - and what I've come to see is this: People are broken and wounded, and when those wounds are illuminated or rubbed in salt it hurts. We feel embarrassed and exposed and we feel pain and shame.
My wound is that I am not enough. And I have learned that when the perfect combination of exhaustion + stress + salt in my wound happens my brokenness really shows. I am super sensitive, easily offended, and - most unfortunately - quick to lash out in turn. I don't know what was happening in my life when I read that post for the second time all those months ago but I am certain that I was in the midst of that perfect combination. That well-intentioned post became a spotlight on how poorly I was doing, how far below the "Supermom" standard I fell, and how much I lacked. And, more importantly, because of my wound and brokenness I wasn't able to just not read it and/or move on.
At the time I didn't understand these things about myself, but now I get it. What I needed was not for someone to put me in my place with a, "This isn't about you!" I needed someone to mercifully reach out to me in my pain and say to me, "Bonnie, I think that you are hurt by this in some way. Maybe you feel bad because you can't do what she says a super mom should do? But I want you to know that you are a good mom and you are doing a good job." (Because, see, my reaction wasn't really about the post at all. It was about me.)
And as soon as I realized that I cringed because I knew I have been just as unmerciful, if not worse. I cringe to think of the times when women - in blog posts or comment boxes or Facebook threads - were speaking out of their brokenness and pain and I did nothing to make it better, but in my self righteousness probably just made it worse. I am truly full of sorrow and regret that instead of recognizing what was happening and trying to bring healing, peace, love, and mercy to their tender spots I was indignant, vain, impatient, and hard-hearted.
Which goes to show that I am a broken, wounded person. And an ass. With a grinch-sized heart. Ugh. "Masters, remember that I am an ass."
This post doesn't have some neat little ending. I don't really know where to go from here, in part because I think different situations call for different responses. I don't want to live in a world where people have to protect everyone's precious feelings. I think we do need to be able to hear tough things, especially when they are true and most especially when they will challenge us to be better. But I also don't want to forget that people are broken. My friend Kathryn has had to remind me repeatedly that hurt people hurt people and so, as for me, I will be praying that when people hurt me I don't hurt them back. Instead, I will pray for the grace to make myself small and to pray for their hearts and mine.
Here's a good ole fashioned Day in the Life post, complete with photos, some unedited to really throw it back to old school blogging. This is from yesterday and I did a mix of typing in chunks - so some of the time is 'ish' (like 9:15-ish) - and typing as I went - so some of the time is accurate. Some of it is summary and some of it is commentary but please note that this was both an ordinary day and a not so ordinary day. Usually I stay in bed until 6:30 and my kids do not get fresh, warm coffee cake for breakfast. Also, Mondays - Wednesdays we have morning activities but I'm thinking of keeping Thursdays to myself. It is so nice to have a long day at home (even if that means the mid-day transfer).
Okay, here goes!
4:23 - Thomas wakes up. Nurse him in the living room, like always. Listen to the downpour and feel bad for the garbage man who will have stinky, soggy trash to deal with.
4:37 - Lay back down in bed, super thirsty but don't drink anything and try to will myself back to sleep so I can sorta take a sorta accurate temp at 5am for my nfp charting. Dose off at some point.
5:00 - Alarm goes off, I take temp and wonder if I should go back to sleep or stay up.
5:30 - Stay up. I head to the kitchen and immediately start mixing up a double batch of coffee cake.
5:35 - Remember to turn on Mother Assumpta praying the rosary. (This is a tip I just learned on Instagram - a woman named Becky shared it on one of my pictures and I LOVED it! I pray along with the nuns when I can but I let them pray for me when the kids or life interrupt. Plus, as Becky stated, it creates an incredibly calm and beautiful atmosphere in our home and hopefully for the rest of their lives the rosary will remind my kids of peaceful times at home. Hopefully.)
5:38 - Travis comes out, ready for work. I stop the coffee cake and turn on the coffee for him. We discuss his work day, a bill, what time he'll be home, and dinner plans (pizza party for Mary's birthday!)
5:40 - Travis leaves, travel cup filled with coffee. (Because it's the little things, right? And in our marriage, me making him hot coffee for his morning commute is a way I can communicate my love to him... when he's not communicating his love to me by letting me sleep in.)
5:50 - Coffee cake goes in the oven. I check Facebook and then turn off the kitchen light, but leave the light on over the sink, and then walk around the house lighting candles, knowing the kids will love it as much as I do. Tidy up a bit as I go.
6:00 - I pour myself some coffee, put on a classical music playlist, and sit down with my Bible, opening it to the end of Mark, which I finished yesterday. Think about if I should read Mark again, choose another Gospel, or do an epistle. Say a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit and then...
6:10 - James calls out for his dad; I see him at the end of the hall so I turn on the light and invite him to come to me. We sit on the sofa together, snuggling in the dark, candlelit room.
6:15 - I wonder about getting up Bennet and Lydia, whose bus will come in 45 minutes but just then Ben comes into the living room, fully dressed and checking out the candles.
6:18 - L comes out and sits on the sofa, commenting on the candles. Ben asks if he can light up the jack-o-lantern which I currently have displayed as just a pumpkin because it's only September 8th. I tell him yes, because why not?, and then we go to the basement to find another votive candle, me carrying a folding chair and laundry basket with me.
6:20 - I put the chair away, fill the laundry basket with the kids' whites from the dryer, and walk back upstairs with Ben, who grabs and the matches and happily sets up his jack-o-lantern. I pull the coffee cake out of the oven.
6:25 - I begin to pack the kids' lunches and discuss which fruit option they all want. (Applesauce, apple slices, or grapes? And you better eat it, too!) Jofis comes down the hall and into the kitchen with his blankie over his head "wooooooo"ing and for the one thousandth time we all cry out, "There's a ghost in the house!" He pulls the blankie off, showing a huge grin and we all say, "Oh it's just Jofis!"
6:35 - I slice up and serve the coffee cake to JF, Ben, Jofish, and L. We pray the Morning Offering and Grace. I pick up a few things in the living room and grab a brush, ponytail holder, and bow. While L eats I do her hair.
6:45 - I go back to making the kids' lunches. Fill the water bottles, put everything in the bookbags, ask Ben if his homework is in his bag, thank the kids for bringing their plates to the sink and then send them to the bathroom to wash their hands and brush their teeth.
6:55 - Step outside to check how hard it's raining. Hear the kids' bus and call them out. Watch them run down the drive as I yell, like every day, "I love you. Have fun and make good choices." Watch the bus drive away and feel really content because they love school and I love our life. That sounds really cheesy and chipper but it's true and I'm grateful.
7:00 - Take a picture of the cake mix box and blue frosting to share on social media as a reminder that today's the Blessed Mother's birthday. PBS Kids gets turned on.
7:05 - Make breakfast for myself - eggs + bacon, wrapped in a tortilla. Freshen my coffee and sit down with my breakfast, planner, and Bible. Look over the day, my prayer intentions, my to-do's. Decide to go with an epistle and open my Bible to Titus. See that it's super short and dive in, reading the intro and first chapter. Sit with a couple of verses, thinking them over and praying about them, looking at my own life in comparison.
7:38 - Get Thomas out of his crib. Take him to the living room to nurse. Resa wakes up and comes out in the meantime.
7:40 - Change diapers, wash hands, get breakfast for Resa.
7:55 - Wash breakfast dishes. Decide to start this blog post, despite the fact that it has so far been an unusual and not at all typical day.
8:20 - JF gets on bus. I turn on PBS Kids.
8:25 - Play with Tee on the floor, watch the rain, freshen coffee.
8:45 - Put Tee in highchair for breakfast. Work on blog post while he eats.
8:50 - Draw bath for Jofis and Resa, divvy out bath toys and make a firm warning of "no shampoo or conditioner!"
9:15 - Tee is done with breakfast. Wipe him off and dump all crumbs on floor. Vacuum floor. Decide to cut his super long hair. Cut too much, giving him a "Caesar" haircut straight outta 1996.
9:30 - Kids are done with bath. While Tee plays in living room, go to bathroom to wash Jofis and Resa's hair. Tidy bathroom, note ring in tub that needs to be cleaned, turn off light.
9:40 - Put lotion and clothes on kids; brush their hair. Tell them to play while I work on blogging.
10:00 - Pull Tee out from under the table and lay him down for a nap. Try putting a pretty Cinderella dress on Resa only to have her take it off because it's itchy. Put on Halloween music at Jofis' request, pass out bananas, refill water, work on editing pictures for a blog post.
10:23 - Realize that I have to pick James up in 50 minutes and dash off to the shower, updating this blog post first - of course.
10:25 - Plug in computer to recharge, make bed, attend to personal hygene, try blow-drying hair to control frizz and fail.
10:55 - Exit room looking absolutely fabulous! (in yoga pants and a shirt I've already worn once this week.) Round up the kids and send them to the van. Wake a sleeping baby and notice how bad his hair looks. Shoot.
11:02 - Everyone is buckled in. I put Sara Groves in the cd player and we are rolling.
11:05 - Arrive at the public school. Sign JF out, chat with his aid, allow JF to carry the huge rainbow umbrella which means I walk in the rain. Whatevs.
11:15 - JF is buckled in and eating his lunch, we head over to the parochial school.
11:23 - Arrive at parochial school. JF and Resa need to use the bathroom. Jofis requests "Train Song" so I put in Johnny Cash cd and play "Orange Blossom Special." Take the two in for the bathroom and check in at the office. Go back to van so JF can finish his lunch. Just as I'm about to record a *brilliant* Instagram Story JF tells me he's done with his lunch and ready to go in.
11:40 - Take JF down to his classroom. (As an aside, JF *really* likes routine and he really likes me. He dislikes change and being on his own. We had just gotten to a point where he was comfortable doing drop off when there was outdoor recess. I would park by the sidewalk to the playground, his friends and siblings would help him out of the van, and I could drive away with him happy. But indoor recess is different and we're working on what to do. If you could say a prayer for us that would be great. I don't feel bad for him - I feel bad for the staff having to deal with my crying kid.)
11:50 - Chat with the principal and Spanish teacher about how I should best get James in school on indoor recess days.
11:55 - Back in the van, driving home.
12:05 - Put Tee in the high chair, cut up a banana and give him some Ritz crackers. Make salami and butter sandwiches for Resa, Jofis, and me while I watch the latest season of Once Upon a Time on Netflix. Call kids to the table, catch up this blog post, eat sandwich.
12:25 - Wipe down Tee, dump crackers on floor. Nurse Tee in family room and try to ignore the curtains that Jofis has arranged. Put him down so he can play, watch him do the worm across the floor. (Seriously, that's how he crawls. It's amazing.) Scroll through FB and IG.
12:40 - Begin to work on scouting stuff. Almost cry. Want to quit. Record an Instagram Story about it. Literally put head on counter. Sigh a bunch. Send a bunch of texts to Travis. Put Tee down for a nap. Email people. Continue to want to cry. Wonder how in the world other people do it. Resist the urge to drink or eat a bunch of chocolate.
1:24 - Bake Mary's birthday cake while watching Once Upon a Time so I can forget how dumb I feel for not understanding what the hell I'm supposed to be doing so my kids can have a wonderful time in Scouts. Okay, bake the cake.
1:41 - Cake in oven. Update calendar with all sorts of stuff. Text Travis about a sitter and camp and all kinds of stuff.
2:05 - Decorate family altar (aka the buffet) with all things Mary for her birthday. Tell kids it's time to turn off My Little Ponies and play.
2:27 - Tidy kitchen. Again. Get distracted and tidy living room. While taking dirty bib to laundry shoot remember ring in tub. Clean tub, sink, and toilet - praying for Steve Husband as I always do. Refill handsoap, clean master bath. Use term "master" loosely. Daydream of having more money so we can re-do the bathroom - at least the vanity!- and then the carpets... and then the windows... and then tell Jofis that he shouldn't play with the light saber in the bathroom. On the way back to kitchen notice the curtains in the family room and tidy family room, like 50%.
2:53 - Get back to kitchen. Unload and load dishwasher.
3:05 - Get Tee out of the crib. Nurse him and miss a phone call. Tell kids to get their shoes on. Change a poopy diaper. Tell kids to get their shoes on. Put Tee in carseat. Yell at kids for not having their shoes on; send shoeless kids to van.
3:15 - Head to parochial school to get kids, forgetting that we're done with the heat schedule so *errbody* (read: all public and private schools) is getting out at the same time and the drive is a bit slower.
3:30 - Arrive at school, unload three kids, walk over to where the kids are let out, count to six over and over and over again as I keep track of my kids. Load six kids (all mine) into van and head home. Tear up a little bit listening to this Sara Groves song:
3:55 - Daddy's home!!!!!! Unload. Yell at one kid who is pouting. Remind two kids to bring in their bookbags. Carry in baby Tee, noticing his haircut. geesh. Tell the kids they can only watch PBS Kids - no Netflix. Chat with Travis. Look through mail. Ask Trav to make pizza dough so it can rise while he runs to bank.
4:10 - Begin frosting cake. Drop the knife repeatedly. Clean up blue frosting from floor, kitchen cabinets, and my clothes. Praise Ben for his A+ spelling test. Praise L for seeing her brother in need and helping him without asking.
4:23 - Finish icing cake. Check out FB and IG. Yell at kids about after-school stuff. Look over L's homework. Put Tee in crib for nap. Take multiple phone calls reminding me about stuff.
4:38 - Go outside to pick oregano and begin sauce for pizza. Travis comes home and we have talk, argue, talk, hug, laugh, talk. He goes to living room with kids and I stay in kitchen a l o n e !
The rest of the evening went something like this: make dairy free pizza, burn my finger on the pizza pan, eat dinner with my finger in a glass of ice water, listen to four kids praise the pizza - one kid state she does not like the dairy free cheese - and Travis say nothing which means he also does not like the DF cheese but is kind enough to eat it for the sake of the rest of us, clear the table, quiz kids on spelling words, work on sight words, sing happy birthday to Mary, eat white cake with blue frosting, clean kitchen while slopping water all over the place (my finger is still in ice water) sorta oversee pj's and brushed teeth and clean diapers (were applicable), nurse baby Tee and put him down for bed - all still with my finger in the glass of ice water. Kids in bed by 8. Kitchen clean by 8:25. Finger still throbbing at 8:30 so some pain meds and then off to bed.
Autumn, I am SO ready for you! Bring on the apples! The falling leaves! The pumpkin spice everyfreakingthing! I am READY for fires in our fireplace, and pumpkins, and having our house be super chilly in the morning because it got down to 50 overnight and I left the windows open so wear your flannel footie pajamas, kids who can't stay under blankets!
BOOM! FALL!
I feel like there should be some fall memes here.
That's better, isn't it?
What was I saying? Oh yeah:
Summer 2016, don't let the door hit cha where the good Lord split cha, and in the words of Tom Petty, "Don't come around here no more."
Why the animosity? Well, let me break it down for you with a summary of my least favorite summer in remembered history. It started out with Travis having sciatica problems in May. He missed the last weeks of school, slept a lot from the muscle relaxers, and ate dinner on the floor. Then he went out of town for work. He was gone for most of June doing work for family while I was solo parenting. Then, while he started a (paying!) job building a garage, still out of town, Tee began teething. Four teeth came in at once and there was a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping at night - for Tee or me. There was more solo parenting and in the end the exhaustion and stress caught up with me and I started to spiral. Thankfully my mom and Travis were able to step in and help before things were too late.
Then, for my 35th birthday my body decided to send a sudden burst of wiry grey hairs. : /
Travis was still working, and still an hour away from home, when one by one everyone but he and baby Tee came down with Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease. I was the hardest hit and tried to navigate back-to school everything (registration, bus info, supply purchases, doctor visits, unpack-your-bag, etc) while Lysoling the crap out of my house, keeping everyone quarantined, and trying to nap. It all came to an end with party planning, meeting with people about JF's food allergies and dual enrollment, finding out that Ben needs glasses, and L breaking her elbow.
There were a few highlights: like some really wonderful quality time with my in-laws, a fun day at the zoo, and lots of fishing while Travis was still recovering from the sciatic problems. And one day I took a three hour nap - that was amazing. But overall, we've had a rough go of things for awhile and I'm looking forward to things calming down a bit more. (Please, Jesus.+)
"The next day as they were leaving Bethany He was hungry. Seeing from a distance a fig tree in leaf, He went over to see if He could find anything on it. When He reached it He found nothing but leaves; it was not the time for figs. And He said to it in reply, "May no one ever eat of your fruit again!" ... Early in the morning as they were walking along, they saw the fig tree withered to its roots."
Mark 11:12-14, 20
Thursday was the third day I went back to this passage in Mark during my quiet time. I read it and then read it again, each time more slowly. I sat with it on Tuesday, on Wednesday, and again yesterday.
It seemed like such an over-reaction from Jesus - from God - and it bothered me. "Lord, I don't understand. 'It was not the time for figs.' You made nature, You set the rules. Why should the fig tree be cursed and die just because it was doing what it was doing - it was what it was. 'It was not the time for figs.' It couldn't help the fact that it wasn't bearing fruit.
The footnote said that the fig tree really represents Israel, which had stopped bearing fruit, that it is a "parable in action." It still seemed rather unfortunate for the fig tree.
I sat with it longer and asked, "If I am the fig tree are You going to curse me? What fruit am I not bearing? But what if the only reason I'm not bearing the fruit is because it's not the time for figs! It's just not the season of life for me to be producing! That's not fair!"
And then I saw it. I saw how I was hiding behind the excuse, clinging to it, shoving it in God's face. "IT'S NOT THE TIME FOR FIGS!"
But God sees past the excuses.
Now I am not a theologian and I know nothing of fig trees that grow in the Middle East, but I noticed that when our Lord looked at the tree the only thing He found was leaves. Not remnants of fruit just harvested, not blossoms for fruit to come, just leaves. Lots of beautiful leaves. The tree looked nice, it looked like it should have something for Him, it looked healthy and lush. So maybe the tree thought it was doing well and others would even say, "Oh how lovely!" Maybe well meaning people would even tell it, "It's okay that you're not bearing fruit right now. It's not the time for figs. In this season of your life you can just be what you are - look you're even providing shade!"
And I saw myself in the tree and in all the excuses I use and all the beauty in my life that I hide behind, hoping that they will be distracting enough that no one will notice what I could and should have but what I lack instead.
Of course there are seasons of life. There are times when we have to step back, say "no," and things may even look barren to an outsider. But God should be the one to give us permission instead of us giving excuses to God. God should be the one to tell us, "It is not the time for you to do this. It is not the time for figs." God, who has our best interest at Heart, will lovingly care for us, protect us, and build us up. He will nurture us until it is time for us to go out again, bearing visible fruit. But in the meantime there will be growth. Our roots will deepen, our limbs with stretch, our trunks will strengthen.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this flowery language is that I think the fig tree had stopped producing figs and just become a tree. It was no longer being what it was intended to be. It may have been a lovely tree but it was a horrible fig tree and that was its failure.
I may be a really nice person. My life my look swell and I may seem to have my stuff together. I may even seem successful. But God has intended for me to be a saint. If I am a lovely person but a horrible saint then I, too, am a failure. I may put on a good show - I may even be beautiful, happy, and successful - but in the end I will be withered to my roots for all eternity with only my excuses to still cling to.
Going forward I know that I will turn this into a prayer - an inside joke of sorts between my Lord and myself. As I evaluate my works, my time, and my projects I will ask Him, "Is this the time for figs?" As I examine my days, my relationships, and my choices I will ask Him, "Is this the time for figs?" I'm sure that my stupid pride and stubbornness will mean I will continue to make excuses, but I am hopeful that I will listen more.
"The glory of God is man fully alive." St. Irenaeus
Do I know someone crafty who loves me and was trying to think of a nice Christmas gift? Oh YOU?! Well, if you insist... How about these awesome photo backgrounds? I think a lot of bloggers would love something like this for our "oh please pin me!" images. Actually, I could probably make them myself if I had the money - Travis has the right staple gun. I would even hang them on my walls so they'd double as decorations. Love it!
Grace shared a brownie recipe and I just had to try it. Dagnabit, I shouldn't have done it because those brownies are SO freakin' good! I didn't have cream cheese and made them sans the cow spots and still, by golly!
Some of my favorite bloggers did a little blog hop party and shared their Mass + kiddos tales and tricks. There's Abbey and her ten tips, Sarah and her standards, Haley and her 27 books, Kendra and her age appropriate goals, and Christy and her prep.
Fr. Barron's homily for today, the Feast of St. Augustine, is pretty good.
Rockstar Catholic DRE and godmother to my oldest, Katie has some fab ideas for encouraging parents to be more involved in religious ed.
Finally I am SUPER EXCITED (caps lock don't lie) to tell you that on September 1st Blessed Is She will begin sending out daily devotionals based on the Bible readings from Mass for the day. Beautiful, solid devotions written by women just like you (+ one rock star).
To kick it all off there will be a Twitter Chat Monday night at 9pm Eastern. But you can also follow BIS on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest, just in case Twitter isn't your thing.
Please be sure to go to Blessed Is She and sign up for the daily devotionals. Let's help each other in our walks with the Lord and let's live authentic Catholic lives.
1 - Travis and I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty the other night. (It was sweet and cute and good.) I liked most of the soundtrack and this song especially caught my attention. Super mellow and delicious.
Yes, I just described music as delicious. It's lush too. How about that?!
2 - Maya Angelou died on Wednesday. May she rest in peace.
Someone shared this article of hers on FB and it was so beautiful and I wanted to share it here. She writes about being a teen mom and her relationship with her son. Please read it; it's so lovely.
3 - You've probably already read Jenny's brilliant post on vasectomies. If you haven't read Dennis' comment please go back and do so! I love that he spoke the Truth!
4 - Hey! Did you know that my blog has a Facebook page? I am 14 fans away from hitting 500 so I thought we could just go ahead and make. it. happen! It's a silly goal but it would make me happy if I hit it. So go ahead, make my day.
5 - If you live in the Peoria, IL area I hope you and your family can attend the Sheen Family Day on July 12th.
My friend Katie and I have been working with the Sheen Foundation on this and we're so excited about it. There will be snacks, age-appropriate crafts, family-friendly guided tours of the Sheen Museum, and Sheenazing tours of the Cathedral where Venerable Sheen was an altar server and later ordained. There's a suggested donation of $1 per family member - which means even my family could afford to attend! It's an open house style event so you can start at the Cathedral or the Museum or with the crafts and just move at your family's own pace. And everyone's welcome to stay for the Vigil Mass at St. Mary's Cathedral.
6 - Today we paint, tomorrow we move, Sunday we clean carpets, Monday we close. I am an odd mix of sad, excited, nostalgic, and stress paralyzed.
7 - When I published my post on not burying statues of St. Joseph I knew that I would ruffle some feathers. I didn't write anything in that post that I wouldn't or haven't said to people, including people who have buried St. Joseph. So I was more than a little surprised when it led to some people making hurtful comments about me as a person instead of just critiquing the work.
After talking to several people about it and thinking it over I've learned a few things:
- Leave any attempts at humor to others.
- When writing for the masses, remember that one sentence is just not enough to explain to people "If you don't do it this way I'm not talking to or about you."
- People are sentimental and emotional about the way they practice their faith. That's a good thing and should be respected.
- People will read "I did it this way and it was a great experience" type posts as "I did it this way and you should too because I'm holier than you" unless you word things very carefully.
I'm thinking of rewriting the post in the future to build off the lessons I learned. I still stand by what I wrote and I don't like the practice but I think a rewrite would be a good exercise in writing and humility.
A friend posted a picture from Wednesday. Her boys were in their pj's, standing by their Christmas tree. The stockings and nativity were on the mantel. She said they all watched A Charlie Brown Christmas shortly after the picture was taken. It was the night before Thanksgiving.
Another friend posted a different picture - family gathered and visiting on Thanksgiving day - with a big, cheery Christmas tree in the background.
Leaving my mom's house on Thanksgiving evening I counted four homes on her street already lit with lights and Christmas decorations.
At first I was mad. Really, really put off. And then I became sad. And now I'm a pretty good portion of the both of them with a forced heaping helping of trying-not-to-care-what-other-people-do.
But, hold the gravy, people! What is going on here?
I'm trying to understand why people don't seem to care as much about Thanksgiving any more, why they treat it as little more than a pre-gaming event for Christmas, and I just can't figure it out. I do not understand. But gosh, do I ever miss Thanksgivings of my childhood.
My older cousins tossing a football outside. Homes decorated inside and out with cornstalks, straw bales, pumpkins and gourds. Wearing construction paper Indian headbands and pilgrim hats. Going to Mass to thank God for our blessings. Talking about American history and the first Thanksgiving. People visiting and playing games and napping during the long, quiet day.
Maybe I'm romanticizing my past, but I really think that my memories are correct: for most of my life the Christmas season didn't begin until firmly after Thanksgiving. Not just for Catholics and others who celebrate Advent - but everyone. Everyone. It was the culture of America.
People didn't leave Thanksgiving gatherings early to shop at Wal-Mart. (Wal-Mart, people!!) And they didn't sit around Christmas trees. Loved ones were more important than a good deal on a new thing. And gratitude - a real humble thankfulness - was significant enough that we didn't have to give ourselves warm fuzzies with twinkling lights and Christmas movies.
I wish we could go back to that - to the Thanksgiving of my childhood. Where we were so thankful for what we had that the gratefulness was enough. Where we all looked forward to a day of counting blessings, taking naps, and having some peace and quiet.
Or maybe the grown-ups just did a really good job of making me think that's what it was. If it was all just a trick well kudos to them! It worked and I'd like to give the same to my kids.
Black Friday comes soon enough - why not leave the tree-putting-up, crowded shopping centers, and all-Christmas-music-all-the-time radio stations for then? Why not really stop and foster a sense of appreciation for what we have before diving into a season of wishlists? Why not stop pre-gaming Christmas with Thanksgiving and just give thanks? Really, truly I am asking: why not?
A little while ago I shared my thoughts throughout the day. I've been meaning to do it again but honestly, those posts are pretty tough to do. But for some reason I decided today, Halloween, would be a good day to record things. Because, you know, there's nothing else to do!
5:30 Music? Is that music? My phone alarm. Beeping. The real alarm. I'm hitting snooze.
5:35 Why is JF such a morning person?
5:37 I need clothes for all the kids. Purple and black for Resa - that's Halloween-y. L's got her uniform. Check and check.
5:39 JF's pants are downstairs. Clean shirt and socks. Check. Cute pumpkin onesie for JP. Okay. Ben will hopefully not fight me over this and this.
5:45 I wish JF would eat something besides chicken nuggets and hot dogs for breakfast. And lunch. And sometimes dinner. Allergies and picky kids and lazy parents for the win.
5:50 I should pour my coffee.
5:51 Chocolate soy milk - creamer for moms nursing babies with dairy allergies.
6:00 Breakfast! I'll make something cool and Halloween-y. We'll have ghost and monster pancakes for supper so not that... Halloween sprinkles on their toast! And I can make those ghost bananas I saw on Pinterest. Best. Mom. Ever!
6:02 Oh awesome! I have these Halloween cupcake stencils! Don't know when I got them but I'm gonna use them. The kids will love it!
6:05 A purple spider for L...
6:08 A green skull and crossbones for Ben....
6:12 Not as much banana for L since she doesn't like them as well, but they need to eat something healthy today. And with the chocolate chip eyes and mouth she should be okay. One for Ben... One for Resa...
6:20 And chicken nuggets with ketchup for JF. Maybe I could make the ketchup look like dripping blood, like a vampire bit the nuggets. Oh JF won't care - I'm just giving the kid a squirt of ketchup on his plate.
6:21 Okay, breakfast on the table, I can't wait to see how the kids react! They're gonna love this!
6:30 What the hell. That's the last time I try to do something nice for those kids. "I don't want colored sugar." "I don't want a banana unless it has peanut butter." Whatever. Eat the damn breakfast or go hungry.
6:31 Best mom ever, my ass.
6:35 Okay, God, I'm sorry. Lord, have mercy.
6:45 I'm not going to have time to shower but I need to get dressed to take the kids to school. Bras - they're important.
7:00 L needs socks and to brush her hair.
7:02 Ben is driving me crazy. He cannot live in athletic shorts. Every once in awhile is okay but people who wear sweats and athletic shorts all the time and don't work at a gym look like they've given up on life. Plus, it's the end of October.
7:03 Jean shorts = compromise.
7:10 I need to change diapers.
7:17 Time to nurse JP. Happiest baby ever. Oh I love you, little smiley boy.
7:20 I need to tape those books. Why do kids rip books? I feel like all I do is tape books.
7:25 Crap. We gotta get out the door.
7:27 Crying JP in his carseat can prop open the screen door. Not so loud inside and maybe the sound of the rain will soothe him.
7:30 How many times do I have to tell a competent child to put on their shoes?
7:32 Shoes, jackets, bookbags, the ipad, costumes, my phone, my coffee, my wallet. Turn off the lights, shut the door, and Go!
7:33 Oh good, they're buckled in our waiting in their carseats. Thank you, God.
7:34 We're not late! We are actually not late!
7:35 I need to schedule confession with Father. Maybe I can do that before I get L.
7:36 I wonder if there's any Halloween music on? Halloween playlist - I should make one. Maybe the kids and I can enjoy it as we put their costumes on. It'll go over as well as the breakfast. I hope it stops raining for trick-or-treating.
7:38 The Monster Mash. Purple People Eater. The Halloween song my kindergarten teacher used to play. "H-A-double L-O-W-double E-N spells Halloween!" Oh that one song: I always feel like somebody's watching me - and I've got no privacy. Whoa-oh-oh!
7:39 I'm totally making that playlist. Even if I'm the only one who likes it.
7:41 I love those giant rolls of corn stalks. I want to take a picture of them. People with smartphones and Instagram got it made. Just click it, post it, love it forever. If you don't get in an accident as you drive down a country road, taking pictures.
7:58 I love watching L run up to the school door. It makes me sad and happy and makes my heart swell with love all at the same time.
7:59 Gotta get gas.
8:09 Oh my gosh! I just filled up for 43 bucks! $2.78 a gallon, I love you.
8:11 Turn left so I can drive the boys over train tracks.
8:23 Good thing I didn't brush my hair or teeth or wash my face since I need to talk to JF's teacher.
8:30 Remember to stop by Teri's and get that homemade shampoo she has for me.
8:40 I love Teri. She's so nice. Maybe I can be like her when I grow up.
8:45 Did she say to use apple cider vinegar instead of conditioner? Shoot the duck, I don't remember.
9:37 If I read that it might depress me. It'll probably make me stop blogging.
9:38 Oh look, I lost a follower. Maybe I should stop blogging.
9:39 Did the Man in the Yellow Hat just sing, "bowl, bowl, bowl your ball briskly down the lane."? I think he did.
9:41 I am so tempted to just give her the candy so she'll leave me alone. But how many fun sized candy bars should a toddler eat before lunch? Probably none. And she's on 2. It's Halloween.
9:46 I gotta email that guy about the Audrey concert.
9:49 I need to figure out what saints the kids are gonna be for the All Saints party at church. Since, you know, I'm planning it. That would look good.
9:58 I need to turn the dishwasher on. I'm gonna finish blogging.
10:15 Why isn't the keyboard working? It's on. New batteries? It hasn't worked since Travis did that stuff. I wonder if he's teaching right now.
10:16 No answer. I'll text. Maybe he's talked to our realtor.
10:34 Wow. That is so true. "it’s the fear that something can possess you — not the Devil, but something like rage or jealousy or despair — that haunts everyone regardless of their belief system." That is so, so true. But those are demons - rage, jealousy, despair. Literal demons that attach themselves to us, to our homes, our things. Creeeeepy. St. Michael the Archangel...
10:37 I love rainy days, especially in autumn, but not on Halloween. I hope it stops for trick-or-treating.
10:41 Oh great, Resa's playing with a Abreva. That's so great.
10:47 If leggings aren't pants what about jeggings? Jeggins are just skinny jeans but more comfortable. What's the rule there? I feel like I'm in this conundrum of being too fat to wear jeggings but it's precisely because I'm fat that I can't get jeans that fit well and so have to wear jeggings.
10:50 Realtor calling! Please God, have them give us an offer so we can move.
10:53 I wish there was another season of Freaks and Geeks that I could watch. That show was the best. Oh my gosh, I can't believe that one episode with Bill - it was perfect for my life. The peanut allergy, and then it ends with Bill dressed as Doctor Who with the long scarf. I wonder what "Bill" is doing these days.
10:54 IMDB, you're just another time sucker. Sucking my time.
10:55 Bill, you look pretty good. And you're still acting. That's so great.
10:59 I really want to see This Is the End. I wonder how vulgar it is? It looks funny. I should ask on Facebook.
11:05 Do Catholics believe in ghosts? I need to read this later.
11:08 Oh baby JP. Why you cry so much?
11:10 Nursing is for reading.
11:20 Wow. Baby Ruths are even better than I remember. Holy cow. I'm glad there's only 3 here, otherwise I'd eat a whole bag.
11:30 The bus! JF is home. Shoot, lunch isn't ready.
11:40 Who smells like poop?
11:50 Who smells like poop now?
12:03 Well, I have no clean plates.
12:15 Put down a blanket on the floor with a plate of chicken nuggets in the middle and tell the kids it's a rainy day picnic. Genius.
12:16 I'm gonna make that Halloween playlist.
12:20 I'm sure I'm missing some songs... Google will help me.
12:25 No one besides me is gonna listen to this playlist.
12:30 Yes! Free pumpkins for the party! I need to email M and see if she can add a blurb to the bulletin thanking Ackerman Farms for donating towards the All Saints' Halloween party. Good phone call. Good news. Ask and ye shall receive.
12:40 Nap time! Where's the bottle?
12:50 Little Joe, you're so gassy. Fuss, fart, smile, repeat. Oh I love, love, love, love you, little boy. I love the feel of your cheek on mine! Oh.... now you nurse and I'll read. The Hunger Games is so good.
1:25 Nap time for baby Joe.
1:35 I need to get those pumpkin seeds in the oven.
1:45 No! Nap time is not over, Resa! Go back to sleep.
1:47 Lord, I do love holding her perfect little body. Oh my goodness, she is delicious.
2:00 Okay, I'm caught up on this dumb typing. Now I need to tape those books and bake those scones. And unload the dishwasher.
2:14 Okay, actually now I'm done typing.
2:15 Wow. Listen to that wind and rain. I love rainy days. Too bad it's Halloween.
2:16 Gotta leave to get L in 45 minutes. I need to get going on my chores.
And so there it ends because then I had to clean and prep and find shoes and run to get my daughter from school. Then it was supper and trick or treating in the cold rain. I'm too old for this.
1 - I confess, I am not feeling this song today, but it was the one I had planned on using all week. Obviously, my week started on a better foot than the one it's ending on. Maybe you're having a good day, though, and this peppy song is right up your alley. Good for you, then.
2 - My stress levels are through the roof right now. This week was supposed to be about finishing up projects in the house so when the realtor comes Tuesday at 2pm everything is done and clean and ready for pictures. But instead this week has been diddled away and nothing is done yet. I loaded all the kids into the car to get out of the house so Travis could stop taking care of kids and start work only to realize that we have no cash and both my credit cards were expired.
3 - Obviously I did *not* do the 7 days of blogging challenge from Jen. Let me tell ya: it was awesome. I had something to read all the time and no pressure to write anything. I say make it a quarterly thing, Jennifer!
4 - Well, I'm down 28lbs of baby weight. This is good news, except that I still have 15lbs to lose to be back to what I weighed before I got pregnant with JP. And then there's the other 45lbs I'll have to lose to be back to my pre-L weight, which is still 10lbs more than what I weighed when I got married. After Resa I lost 20lbs in 3 months with Weight Watchers, but if you read #3 above then you'll know that right now we do not have money for WW. I guess I'll just have to exercise and use portion control on my own. Blah.
5 - Here's something to not be grumpy about: Catholic All Year's Kendra has been spending her summer in Chicagoland instead of the greater LA area and has agreed to come down for a little visit this Monday. All our kids will be together and it will be madness but I think I'll love it. Or I might just ignore my kids and cling to adult conversation.
6 - While nursing JP and Resa I noticed something that I'm not sure I noticed with L and Ben. (I wasn't able to nurse JF.) For a brief period during each nursing I feel this wave of being sad and overwhelmed. It hits me fairly hard, especially if I'm not distracted in conversation or television viewing, and I feel like I have a sudden, huge lump in my throat - like I'm on the brink of breaking down. And then, almost as quickly as it comes it is gone. If memory serves me right, it didn't last the entire 10 months I nursed Resa, and I actually forgot about it until it started with JP once my milk came in. A friend of mine suffered from D-MER with her babies and having listened to her I suspect that's what's going on with me, too. Anyone else gone through something similar?
7 - After my nap I'm going to start trying this:
Thank you to the perfectly lovely Jennifer Fulwiller for hosting!
1 - People who are ambivalent towards the US at best and mock 4th of July celebrations but will still gather for a 4th of July bbq with their like-minded friends. Is it just an attempt at irony or an excuse for beer?
2 - People who need an excuse to gather with friends and drink beer.
3 - What Linkedin is.
4 - Why my husband ever liked the band Nightwish. It's embarrassing.
5 - Why the US isn't set up like Spain with built-in siestas. If there's one thing I've learned as an adult it's that everyone could use a good nap in the middle of the day.
6 - How professional bloggers have time to professionally blog.
7 - Why a pedicure is not covered by insurance in the 9th month of pregnancy.
8 - Why our insurance decided they would not pay for JF's epi pen.
9 - Using explicit language in songs that are obviously intended to be top 40 music. Especially the f bomb. Not that Mariah's "Beautiful" is all that great lyrically but the frequent "f---ing beautiful"s make the song pretty family un-friendly when it otherwise has a great feel. (Which I don't care what Marc Barnes says - he's a male college student for pete's sake and is not raising small children who inhale music and lyrics like air - it does matter that music is "family friendly" because I don't want my five year old daughter saying, "If your girl acts up I'm smackin' the ho" (House of Pain) or "everybody on my d---, please no homos" (JayZ feat Kanye) or "I really f---ed it up this time" (Marc's beloved Mumford & Sons). It's bad enough that my kids say "Oh damnit!" because they have a near-heathen for a mother. One bad influence is enough in their lives.
10 - Why I feel like I should have ten things in this list. Lame. I'm gonna buck the system... and have eleven
11 - How I cannot go back and re-watch Lost. I loved it the first time through but now I just don't care.
Overcoming adversity: Cleaning up the playroom with their baby sister
Patience in suffering: Not being able to thrust and flail their entire bodies while their ears are cleaned
Fending for themselves: Finding edible food on the floor when they're hungry
Consequences: The shit that hits the fan when they wake a napping sibling
Problem solving techniques: What happens when I'm too tired to get off the couch to solve their argument for them.
Prioritizing: Making them choose between cookies or ice cream
Responsibility: Not allowing television viewing until they've dressed and brushed their hair and teeth.
Life skills: Watering the potted plants, vacuuming the carpet, carrying their dishes to the sink, putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, flushing the toilet and washing their hands after using the bathroom, putting their folded laundry in their drawers. In short, doing the things I've been doing for them for way to long. Seriously, 2 year old boy, pull your weight.
The abstinence only sex ed conversation has continued with Calah's newest post Dirty Sex. The launching part of her post is a comment from J on her original post, a comment she describes as vitriolic:
“And yes, both girls and boys who have premarital sex are dirty. They have been soiled and will not be pure for their future spouse, if they are called to marriage. What is wrong with saying this? Why is it wrong to make someone feel dirty or sinful if they have engaged in premarital sex (which is dirty and sinful)? It is shameful and dirty and their experience will be baggage that they bring into a future marriage.”
When I read J's comment this is what I thought:
“And yes, both girls and boys who have premarital sex are dirty. In a sense, if we're using the word "pure" and the opposite of that is "dirty." They have been soiled and will not be pure for their future spouse, if they are called to marriage. I can go with that, based on the previous understanding. What is wrong with saying this? Yes, what is wrong with that? Good, sincere question. Why is it wrong to make someone feel dirty or sinful if they have engaged in premarital sex (which is dirty and sinful)? Well, the intent should not be to make them feel dirty or shamed but we can't hide the truth by way of softening it. If we're talking about how premarital sex is sinful and someone has willingly engaged in it then they may very well feel dirty and shamed when they realize the wrong. So what is the best way to approach this? It is shameful and dirty and their experience will be baggage that they bring into a future marriage.” Agreed - it will be baggage to some degree or another.
But that's not what everyone else read/understood/assumed. Responses to this comment were things such as, "you apparently think that God gave His blessing upon you to shame someone that made a mistake," and, "You are showing less mercy in this comment than God himself shows," and "Only God can judge, not you. Only God can bring purity to your life after you have sinned. If God has brought purity to someone's life, how can YOU say that they are still soiled?" In other conversations people referred to this comment and said things like, "Don't even waste your time with her- she's never gonna get it!" and other tut-tutting at how unChrist-like the person is. (I don't say these things to pick on anyone or call anyone to defend their words, just to establish a context and to illustrate my point.)
Now, to establish a foundation, I strongly agree with the commenters who state that we cannot and should not make people feel shamed. But beyond that I didn't feel like there was much helpfulness in what people said to or about her.
This comment, "you apparently think that God gave His blessing upon you to shame someone that made a mistake," - while I agree with the bottom line - seems to be written in a tone of condescension. I would argue that it lacks just as much charity as he is accusing J of lacking.
And it always miffs me when people shout out, "Only God can judge!" It is true in the sense that only God can judge us fit for Heaven or Hell, but we are also called to judge, to assess, to see right from wrong and to call them as they are. Perhaps a better way of expressing that sentiment is "God is the ultimate judge" or "God is the only one who can truly judge the heart and our intentions" because we can judge people (their actions, decisions, opinions), and we all do day in and day out, and that's not a bad thing.
It also bothers me that the commenters are all assuming one thing: that all the people we're talking about have all repented, gone to confession, and received forgiveness. What if they haven't? Because when we use expressions like "we are cleansed by the Blood of the Lamb" and "our sins are washed/wiped away by God's mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation" then it's important to remember that those very words of "clean," "washed," and "wiped away" all have the same opposite: "dirty". Whether we like it or not, "dirty" is a natural word to use to describe that which has not yet been cleansed.
In the end, though, it comes down to this: I have found it to be incredibly difficult to balance justice and mercy. God has both and He lovingly and perfectly uses them and asks us to do the same. There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in the midst of a very difficult circumstance or interaction and I wonder what God's perfect justice and mercy would look like. Usually I don't know and so I err on the side of justice because my natural disposition is to be legalistic, to lean towards justice and the "right way". I want to know what is expected of me, what I'm to do, and how I'm to do it. I will then get it done. Often times at the end I can look back and see where I lacked love, compassion, charity, and mercy. When I say that I am working out my salvation with fear and trembling, trying to unwork the knots in my life, figuring out how to best live a Christian life I am being honest. I mean it and it is really hard for me!
Sometimes I will ask others, "Why is this wrong? I understand it to be correct so what am I missing?" Sometimes they answer me and sometimes they roll their eyes and consider me a lost cause.
Honestly, I still have legalistic opinions and questions on this whole matter. What about those who haven't sought God's mercy and are still sinning - having not yet been "cleansed" of their sins are they still "dirty"? Can we call them dirty? What do we call them? And what about people living the dangerous lifestyle of multiple sexual partners, quite literally spreading diseases? (Because, to use the OED definition Calah gave for dirty - "foul, unclean, sullied" - well that's pretty much how I think of a an outbreak of syphilis or herpes.) And are we just talking about vaginal sex here? Because what about anal sex? I think poor Rick Santorum would agree that there's at least one part of anal sex that is pretty much only dirty.
I realize that maybe I'm being legalistic, and maybe I'm lacking some point of view or theological knowledge that I should have, and maybe I'm going to offend people because there is a lack of clarity and charity in my thought. But I am asking this not because I'm a great big jerk, but because I know I'm a great big jerk and I'm trying to work on that.
So next time you read one of mine or J's questions (or right now! as you're reading this post!) and we just come off like a couple of Pharisees I hope that you give us the benefit of the doubt, show us some patience, and then give us a solid, clear answer that is delivered with intelligence, clarity, and charity. If I err on the side of justice, please err on the side of mercy and show me how that's done. If you want to tell me, "You are showing less mercy in this comment than God himself shows" please remember that while God has called me to "be holy as I am holy" I am not there yet and so yes, I will probably, unfortunately, often show less mercy, charity, compassion, understanding, patience than God Himself shows. Please remember I am not trying to be a stubborn, mean-spirited, caustic jerk - I'm trying to get this right and I'm asking you to help.
1 - Here's a little Kip Moore to help satisfy my country cravings. I wonder what Senator McCain thinks of this song and the obvious reference to his daughter?
2 - Speaking of country music - did you see the season finale for Nashville?! I was all like, "Deacon - nuh-uh - no you didn't!" and then I was all like, "Oh Gunnar! What are you doin?" and then at the end, watching Rayna and Deacon in the truck I was, "Well... we all know where this is going...."
3- You'll see under my little "Follow Me" that I have a new Facebook icon. Lately I've gotten friend requests from wonderful people who read my blog. Before Lent I actually felt called to clean up my FB friends and invest more in the people I actually know, love, and whose friendships I want to invest in. I deleted over 150 "friends," trying to keep my list to people I actually know in real life or those I know through the internet because we communicate on Twitter, in comboxes, via email, etc. If my husband knows who you are through a small explanation (Kaitlin, she has a blog but she's also Alisha's friend and she supported us when JF was in the NICU.) then we can be Facebook friends.
So if you've sent me a Facebook request and I didn't accept please don't think I'm a huge jerk! I'm trying to manage my life, which is in desperate need of some moderation. Have pity and don't feel bad! And then go like my page on Facebook and interact with me there, if you like.
I'd love it.
4 - Resa's birthday party is tomorrow morning. I planned it for 9-11am so she'd be awake but right now that seems really dumb. I need to dust, sweep, bake and decorate cupcakes, make fruit salad, blow up balloons and clean the bathroom in the next 26 hours. And this person I'm growing is zapping all my energy. That girl better have the best day of her life tomorrow.
Her birthday party invite, hanging out on the fridge with Fulton Sheen.
5 - Related to the birthday party: If you rsvp when the invitation says, "RSVP regrets" then I love you and think you're the best, kindest, most considerate person ever. Last night, on our way to the store for food and paper products I told Travis, "Besides your parents and siblings, my parents, siblings and grandparents, and Resa's godparents we could have anywhere from 0 to 17 additional people coming." That's a big range, people.
6 - New post at Ignitum Today; it's called Sex Ed and Men and the Marriage Bed. I used an image of a knight's armor - I don't know if it works but I felt weird using some stock photo of a smiling or sad couple curled up on the bed or standing at the altar or going on a rosary walk or something.
7 - Have a wonderful weekend. God bless the souls of those who have died in the line of duty and God bless their families, too.
PS - Thanks to Jen for hosting and Congrats on your book deal with Ignatius Press!
Stop trying to make me fat on cupcakes and cheesecake and chocolate cake and cake pops.
Please understand that "cheap" and "easy" activities for the kids mean "less than $10 for something that will last longer than one day" and "set up that will take 15 minutes or less and use nothing more than a hammer-like object, scissors, or tape".
No one's gonna acquire a bunch of pallets and actually build that. Any of it.
I really don't want to look at pictures of other people's nails and feet. It grosses me out.
I tried to do that thing with my hair. I looked stupid. Surely it's your fault.
The lifestyle I'd have to live to look *that* good/thin/toned is not practical nor is it worth it. Plus, I think she looked cuter before she got all buff.
Is the chalkboard paint phase on its way out? Chalk board paint on walls, doors, mirrors, serving trays, and the Pinterest end-all-be-all: chalkboard paint on a mason jar!
Speaking of which, I'm glad people seem to be over the "salted caramel" everything: cookies, cupcakes, candy, body scrub, candles, paint color. People put salted caramel on salted caramel and repined it a billion times. It was like the great "red velvet everything" of last year.
Nothing you can offer will actually clean my bathtub except harsh chemicals and elbow grease. Stop trying to convince me otherwise.
Last night Travis and I were watching the movie We Bought a Zoo.
I really like this movie. This isn't supposed to be a review, but I do recommend it. Anyways, back to the story I was originally telling:
Travis and I are watching the movie and I notice how Matt looks now. He's in his 40's now and still looks really great, he's just not the skinny, young'un I'm used to seeing.
I turned to Travis and said, "Matt Damon looks really different. He looks more like you than he looks like Jason Bourne... Did that sound insulting?"
Several women have made timelines of their day, documenting all the little things they did for each moment. I thought I'd spin that a little bit and document my thoughts throughout the day. In case you were curious...
6:10 Why is JF tapping me while I'm laying asleep and Travis is sitting up next to me, clearly awake?
6:30 I told Travis he could visit his family but only if he was gone for one meal of the day. That booger just left before breakfast. That's two meals he'll be gone for. I wonder if he even changed any diapers.
6:45 He didn't change any diapers.
7:20 Pancakes will feed all the kids.
7:21 Pancakes will FEED ALL THE KIDS!
7:22 I need to make a meme of that.
7:40 Where's the pizza cutter so I can cut the pancakes. I should blog that.
7:41 "I should blog that." I'm so lame. No one gives a damn about my pizza cutter trick. But maybe it'll get pinned because people will find it helpful? I could include the yard stick in the drawer handle trick. It'll be like something Kathryn Whitaker would do. But I'm not Kathryn Whitaker. But maybe she'll be proud of me. Except they're not even my ideas. Whatever. I'm so lame.
8:00 Are they all done eating? They're not gonna leave any syrupy bloated pieces of pancake left on the plate for me to eat? At least they'll be full til lunch time.
8:15 Coffee was made for creamer. Caramel creamer.
8:27 It's amazing how much I want people to not talk to me. It's like that Bjork song about it being oh so quiet. Except Bjork is weird and that song is weird. But I just want it to be oh so quiet.
8:30 Puzzles! We all like puzzles!
8:40 I wish JF could talk so I'd know if he knew what I was saying. Sometimes I think he's so smart he's playing dumb. "What? I'm practically a mute! You can't expect me to pick the puzzle pieces off the floor, or eat all my apple slices, or stay in my chair through dinner. Wahahaha! Apraxia!"
9:22 And now the kitchen will be clean for the next 11 minutes.
9:23 Banana bread crumbs? I should sweep the floor. Where's my laptop?
9:34 Someone stinks. Ah crap.
9:39 Everyone is fed and in a clean diaper and happily occupied. Hellooooo, Doctor.
10:15 I miss David Tennet. This guy has no eyebrows. It's weird. But bowties are cool. Allons-y!
10:30 If we get a new house and it has one of those stupid formal living rooms I'll change the space into our "fake homeschool" / playroom. Come on, Pinterest, give me ideas.
10:40 Oooooooo. Like like love!
10:59 I need to feed the kids.
11:06 I really should start lunch.
11:15 Leftovers for mom. This is the best lasagna I've ever made.
11:34 We should all load up and go to DQ.
11:35 Do not add butter, do not add butter, do not add butter so JF can eat it.
11:40 Is this noodle small enough for Resa? Death by Farfalle noodle and incompetent mother is a bad way to go.
11:44 Sit and eat and let's all be quiet.
11:45 Or not.
12:00 I need to melt the butter for the cookies.
12:01 What was I going to do?
12:03 JF is napping! Quiet time!
12:05 I'm going to make a meme.
12:10 I should check my email.
12:15 I miss Facebook.
12:16 Hellooooo, Doctor.
1:00 I'm gonna really make a meme now.
1:08 Why can't I figure out these stupid meme generators? What's the point of generating a meme if it won't let me somehow upload it to my blog or save it to my desktop. Damn memes.
11:11 This is so ghetto.
11:12 DAMN ALL THE MEMES!
1:21 What is that thumping? The kids are gonna break something... I don't care I just want no one to talk to me.
1:27 I hate the #2 key on this laptop.
1:28 Seriously, I need to melt the butter for the cookies.
1:30 Bake and watch Doctor Who? Don't mind if I do!
1:35 Stupid frozen butter...
1:45 Ben and L are naked and sliding off the toy box. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Travis would be so pissed. Don't laugh. Just look mean and upset.
1:50 Shake, shake, shake the nasty formula up.
2:00 loooooooove this baby girl! Resa, you're the best baby ever. Gorgeous fingers. Gorgeous eyes. You smile while you sleepily take a bottle. looooooooove.
2:03 And I can just lay you in the crib and you giggle, kick your feet, and go to sleep. Best. Baby. Ever!!!
2:05 Pants-less JF, up from his nap.
2:06 Yes, L, of course you came up here because you knew I had baby bottles to carry downstairs and you wanted to help. Of course.
2:10 Back to baking and Doctor Who.
2:30 Twitter...
2:31 Is Blogger taking away the blogs in my Dashboard? I wonder if Cari knows. It needs to be simple so I can do it.
2:54 Children! Please don't cry. Just let me pee in peace.
3:00 Travis will be home in half an hour. As soon as he gets here I'm going upstairs and locking the door. If the cookies are done baking.
3:18 He's early.
3:27 I'm not going upstairs.
The rest of the days thoughts were mostly uncharitable so we'll call it quits there.
In case you missed the announcement I am pregnant for the sixth time.
6!
We've gotten a few reactions:
- How did you keep it a secret for so long?!
(Sadly, it's easy when you're already 45lbs overweight.)
- Why did you keep it secret for so long? (Well, come July Travis wanted to just show up with a baby, so this is early according to the original plan.)
- Wow... five kids... wow.... (You fail. But you also perfectly explain why we kept it a secret for so long.)
- Ahhhh! Congratulations! That is so great! (Thank you. Really, thank you.)
In a way, I don't blame the people who can only say "wow". Even for Travis and me this pregnancy is a bit of a mixed bag of emotions.
There's plenty of good emotions. For starters, have you seen my other kids? Travis and I make cute kids and so there is no doubt that this baby is going to rock the awesomely adorable just like her* big brothers and sisters.
See? Super cute kids.
Also, we always thought 5 sounded like a good number of kids. Five kids, a family of 7 - that would be fun if we could get it.
And we like our kids. We like having kids. Sure, by the end of the day we are ready for them to all be tucked into bed and fast asleep but our lives have been made richer by each of our children. We may not be able to do much traveling or pay for college or have phones with data plans, but we have been given much life and that seems to be a fair trade in our eyes.
But then there's the rest of the bag to deal with.
I think most people aren't happy for us because they know that we are already struggling financially, but that's not the part that worries us so much. Save winning the lottery we will never be rich, or even upper middle class, but that's never been our goal. And we are already working towards our actual goal of being comfortable enough.
Our real struggles are with natural family planning, getting enough sleep, and me not walking around screaming at the kids all the time.
We are so tired. With teaching, coaching, grading, and giving extra attention to kids who just cannot write a chemical formula Travis is working at least 10 hours a day and gone for almost 12. He gets up with JF, I get up with Resa, we both get up with L and Ben. I'm pregnant and irritable and the kids and I walk around as perfect examples for why people only want 1 or 2 kids.
And, while I will hopefully not be pregnant for the next five years (pleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod) we will have babies and toddlers and little kids who do not sleep through the night for the next five years. Just thinking about it makes me so tired I want to take a nap. Who has energy to type?!
Then there is the irritability. I have never had pms moodiness but I pretty much have it for all 9 months of the pregnancy and 6-10 weeks post partum. The fuse for my temper is this (.) short and even shorter if I don't have enough sleep. And, well, you already read the previous two paragraphs so you know it's pretty short. Fortunately I'm almost half way to birth so the crankiness will end sooner than the sleepless nights. Just not soon enough for my poor kids.
And then there's NFP. (And here's a Potential TMI warning. Don't want to read about sex and peeing and mucus? Then stop reading. Also, there be swear words.)
I've talked about this before, but for me and my husband post partum nfp is a Josephite marriage. We have tried CCL's sympto-thermal method. We have tried to incorporate Creighton teachings into how I observe signs. We have kept our babies exclusively on breastmilk for as long as possible. And doing those things has just ended up with me pregnant. All six of my pregnancies may have been planned by God but only half were planned by Travis and me.
After this baby is born we will try the Marquette Method but we will also be abstaining for a very, very long time. Long term abstinence is why we didn't get pregnant after JF until we felt called by God to do so. Trying to chart without a period is why I'm pregnant now.
Right now the only reason we're using nfp is because we have to. The Church tells us it's good; I believe the Church is right on such matters and so even if I don't understand or agree for the moment I bow to Her authority. But mostly I lie in bed praying to God, "You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped!" (Jer 20:10)
I feel embarrassed to be pregnant but I hate feeling that way. Why should I be ashamed of being in a solid, awesome, enjoyable marriage?! But I look at my belly and my shopping cart so loaded with kids there's barely room for the groceries and I feel like a rabbit, a breeder, some stupid woman who can't tell the difference between mucus and semen and whatever the hell else there is coming out post partum.
I want to smack women who boast about using nursing to space their children. I want to smack women who have easily and perfectly spaced their kids every 2-3 years. I want to smack women who tell me I need to neatly fold my toilet paper and wipe before and after I pee, carefully checking the mucus both times. I've had 4 big babies in 4 years - I'm lucky I don't pee on the toilet seat half the time! Kegals my ass - I don't have time to neatly fold the toilet paper, let alone wipe before I pee! And I definitely don't have time to lock the door to keep the kids out so I can scientifically observe how opaque my mucus is - when I have to pee I have to pee RIGHT NOW and usually the door is left wide open as I dash to lift the lid in time.
I'm sure there are women with infertility struggles who want to smack me, who want to shake me, who are yelling in their head that they would gladly trade places with me. And honestly, at this point, I would love to give away my fertility to one of you. I know infertile couples shoulder a brutal, aching cross but sometimes I don't think it's that different than the cross of the super fertile.
I know God has blessed us with these children and with our fertility - and I in no way regret any of my kids - but anymore the fertility is only a cross and it's one I'm tired of carrying. Probably the day will come when I will regret typing those words, when I will long to once again feel a baby moving in my womb. But right now I just want to crawl under a rock and take a very long nap.
And when I wake up I want to have had experienced a trauma-less delivery, have all my kids sleeping through the night, have cycles to chart, and have lost 50lbs. That's not too much to ask for, right?
*Yes I think I'm pregnant with a girl. And I've been right on the gender of all my other kids so I'm just gonna go ahead and refer to this baby as a girl.
I keep getting online and feeling let down by people. People complaining and saying stupid, mean things and losing their tempers and being selfish and so damn snarky I want to beg them fortheloveofallthatsholy to just shut up.
And I keep waking up every morning and trudging through the day and going to bed at night and feeling so let down by myself. Disappointed in my complaining and saying stupid, mean things and losing my temper and being selfish and so damn judgemental I want to just go back to bed so I can stop it.
Today I took my kids to McDonald's for lunch, not because we had the money but because I wanted to get out of the house and drink a diet Dr. Pepper. Because today, if I was a nanny, I would have quit my job.
I mean, how many times can a kid with diaper rash shart?! And how many times do I have to tell a 4 year old that she doesn't get to watch hours of tv every morning and every afternoon and her putting her hands on her hip is not going to change my mind? And how many times do I have to flippin explain that Spring comes after Winter and we are still in Winter and before her 5th birthday we'll have to celebrate Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, and the birth of a new cousin? And how many times do I have to ask the boys to not drop DVDs all over the living room floor like its a landmine in a war zone?
And there I was complaining again.
Lately I have baked cookies and made yummy dinners and done crafts with my kids and actually bathed them. I've sat on the couch and read book after book after winter-themed book because I am a good mom who rotates books so that they always go with the season/holiday.
But my temper is this (-) short and I've been getting meaner and meaner to my kids. I do this - yell and roar and say mean, cutting things - when I am tired and run down and just plain tired. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like I'm tired physically tired but even more so I'm tired on the inside, in all the nooks and crannies of my heart and soul and mind and will.
I keep thinking, "I hate what I'm doing," and then I say out loud, "Damnit! What the hell are you doing? I hate being a mom," in one of my bursts of anger because someone has put a diaper in the toilet again and someone else has crushed crackers into the carpet again while someone else is whining that they are hungry again and I just want everyone to shush and play nicely and let me pleasepleaseplease drink some tea and not be touched or spoken to for a good long two hours.
I loved what Rebecca said here but I know I'm not struggling now because I'm "should-ing all over myself." I have some ideas about why things are so tough for me right now and one is physical. Jen talked about something similar here. But I suspect that, much like Kate, I am suffering because I'm distancing myself from God right now. I'm still doing my morning offering and praying for the long list of others' intentions, but I need something deeper and more conversational. I also need the Sacraments, most especially confession.
Abigail wrote so beautifully "I think the hardest thing about stay-at-home motherhood is the mental cross. It's not the pregnancy. It's not the nursing. It's the nakedness of being alone with the Infant Jesus, day in and day out--no distractions. No award dinners. No funny jokes with co-workers around the water cooler. Day in, day out. Intimacy with God."
Man, did she ever nail it. And why is this so hard for me? Why do I fight letting go of everything - the anger and frustrations and selfish tendencies that, when acted upon, just leave me bitter? Why can't I just run to God and throw Him my brokenness and beg Him to fix/love/help/bless me? Perhaps I am that pigheaded. Perhaps I am that stupid. Perhaps I am that human.
But my kids deserve so much better and I want them to be happy and feel loved. Despite my stupid words I love being a mom and I am so grateful for each child God has given me. I actually love my life, it's such a shame that my attitude doesn't reflect that right now.
