Thomas Emil's Birth Story -or- C-Sections Are Weird

Baby Tee is three months old now and it's taken me that long to type up his birth story, mostly because I didn't know what the birth story really was. There was not water breaking. No timing contractions. No pushing and catching. Having a planned c-section meant everything was done to me and that was so weird for me that I didn't know what to tell. But, in the end, I want to have some sort of written record of all my kids' births so I'm including all the little things I can remember and piecing them together does make a story. You can read about his name and backstory here, and here goes the rest...

On Monday, December 21st I had an appointment with my midwife, a truly wonderful woman. While I was pregnant with Ben she was training with my homebirth midwife and cared for me at all my appointments. She delivered Resa and JP. She has supported me through homebirth, an unmedicated hospital birth, an induced and medicated hospital birth, and has listened to my fears associated with all of my births. I trust her a great deal. We'll call her Anne.

With Baby Tee's pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes for the first time. I know what you're thinking, "Bonnie, you had three babies who weighed over ten pounds and two who weighed over eleven. How were you only diagnosed with GD once?" and I don't know. One doctor suggested that I maybe had late onset with would make sense because I tested a month later this time than I had with previous pregnancies.

Regardless, I had it and I pricked my finger and changed my diet and saw a high risk doctor because of it. I also had a lot more ultra sounds than usual and at 37 weeks the sonographer guessed the baby was weighing 9lbs 14oz. So on that Monday, at 38 weeks pregnant, my trusted midwife Anne asked me if the high risk doctor had a birth plan for me. He didn't. Anne and I were considering inducing on the afternoon of Christmas Day, 39 weeks exactly, but she told me to discuss it with the high risk doctor the next day, at my scheduled appointment.

So Tuesday I went to the high risk doctor. A different sonographer measured my baby and guessed he was weighing 10lbs 14oz. The doctor came in to see me and we began to discuss my birth history. Big babies. Three had gotten stuck with shoulder dystocia, though they had been freed with the suprapubic pressure trick. One had been stillborn.

He listened and asked me questions and I explained that I had had a bad experience with the epidural the last time and was really nervous about having another one. I would actually prefer to feel the pain and not have another epidural. After some more discussion he said, "I think we need to do a planned c-section. I think that's the safest and best bet." I explained that I was game for that as long as they could knock me out. I would much rather not be awake for it because I didn't want anyone putting anything in my spine. He said he didn't know about that and I'd need to talk to the anesthesiologist and my ob but it was a possibility. That was all I needed.

I was so glad to have someone else make that decision for me. I had spent months worrying about it and trying to decide what I should do, what kind of birth I should have. It was wonderful having someone say, "This is the best option; we will go with this." It was exactly what I needed.

The ob/gyn my midwife works with was scheduled to perform the c-section and December 29th was picked. I had a DQ Blizzard and had Travis set up the crib.

On the morning of the 29th I went to the hospital. I had my Boppy, an outfit for Tee to wear home, my laptop, and a change of clothes. My hips / SI joints hurt so much and I wore slippers on my feet.

And then it was just a series of people doing things to me. Putting in the IV, prepping me here and there, asking me questions, having me sign forms.

I was nervous. Really, really nervous. I made sure the nurse knew I wanted to be knocked out. She told the anesthesiologist who came in and, in a sorta cranky way, told me that wasn't a good option and I would have a spinal tap. In and out, not a lot of kindness from her, just facts. We'll call her Sue.

Next, my trusted midwife appeared. Anne had another patient in labor at the same hospital but would probably be able to be in the room with me during the c-section. She asked how I was doing and Travis and I explained about the anesthesiologist and my preference. "You know what, I trust Sue but she probably just doesn't understand everything you've gone through. She's great and she'll take care for you and there's honestly no one else I would want you with. I'll talk to her." Anne then stayed to explain how a spinal tap is different than an epidural and said she thought I would have a much better experience this time. She left to fine Sue and Travis and I felt better about the spinal tap option.

After a few minutes Sue came back with Anne and this time she was much warmer. She explained in detail how she would do the spinal tap, asked me questions about my epidural, reassured me that this would be very different and brought Travis and I to a place where we both felt good about it, though I was still nervous.

My c-section had been planned for 1:30 but another delivery made the doctor, Dr. K, late so we waited a bit longer. I fidgeted and worried and prayed. We tried making small talk and I posted some pictures to Facebook and Instagram. And then just like that it was Go time.

I was wheeled to the surgery room. Travis was taken somewhere else to suit up. I sat on the edge of the table, holding a nurses shoulders while Sue gave me the spinal tap. She hit the same spot that had bothered me with the epidural and pain shot down into my right hip. Just as we had discussed, though, Sue pulled the needle out and found a different location. There was no pain this time, suddenly my legs felt incredibly heavy, and they swung me around and laid me down. My arms went out, a sheet went up, and Travis came in from behind to sit with me at my head.

Anne came in with her phone and asked if we wanted her to take pictures. "Yes."

Dr. K came in with a resident, Dr. M, and everyone was in a good mood.

I felt... weird. I was worried. I was anxious. I knew everything would be okay but at the same time I was - well I think I was dreading it all. The only surgery I had ever had before was getting my wisdom teeth removed and well, this was such a weird way to have a baby.

I don't remember a ton, probably because of all the drugs I was on, but this is what I do remember:

Tugging and jerking and me thinking, "If I can't feel anything but I can tell they are tugging at my body, how much force must they be using?"

Dr. K saying, "Look at those cheeks!" as he first laid eyes on baby Tee but before he was delivered.

Tee being held up for me to see as people guessed his weight as "at least ten pounds!" and taken to the cart at the side. Travis was invited over and I sort of watched as Tee was cleaned up and weighed.

His weight was announced - 10lbs 7oz - and I remember thinking, "I could have done that" - as in delivered him.

I next remember Dr. K saying to the resident, "This placenta is going to weigh 10lbs!" as they worked to finish the delivery and then, "This is a very big uterus." as they cleaned out all the extra... bits and bobs. The first comment was said lightheartedly and people chuckled. The second comment was part of a direction, I think. Either way, neither was insulting, though they could be read that way.

At some point they brought Tee over to lay on my chest and it was just as awkward as every picture has ever made it out to be. I'm glad I got to hold him and see him, but I still felt so strange that it wasn't a really tender moment. I was relieved when Travis and Tee were taken to the nursery while they finished stitching me up.

I don't remember any of the other details. I was all done and moved to the post-op room for monitoring and it was there that I really met my baby. Travis and Tee came in and I was able to hold him, nurse him, and look him over. I know I joked with Travis a bit and I wasn't in any pain.

From there they took me to my room where I was visited by my mom, JP, Travis, and my midwife Anne. I watched a lot of Netflix - The Great British Baking Show, Ken Burns' documentary on The Roosevelts - and celebrated my 9th anniversary by splitting the hospital's chicken strips and french fries with Travis. Amore.

Because of the diabetes there were issues with Tee's blood sugar and in the end we had to give him a few bottles and wake him up to nurse and feed on a schedule. Nursing wasn't always the smoothest but there was success to balance the frustration.

Travis spent the first night with me but I was alone the next couple nights. The second night there I was so uncomfortable. I hated the bed and Tee wouldn't sleep and nothing was right. My nurse offered to hold my baby while I showered and slept. She turned the water on and helped me in and - oh man! - that was probably the best shower of my life! She kept Tee while I slept for quite a few hours and when she finally brought him in to nurse I felt so much better.

I also chatted with Dr. M the resident every chance I got. I just loved her and I loved joking around with her. Once she came to check on the incision and commented on how nice it looked.
"Do you know who did that?" she asked with a big smile on her face.
"You?"
"Yes!"
"You should take a selfie with it."
She busted out laughing and said, "I'd be fired!"

Another time she came in as I was wincing and shuffling my way to the bathroom.
"Are you okay?!" she asked after I cried out a little in pain.
"Well," I said as I grabbed her arm, "I did just have major abdominal surgery."
Laughing she said, "Yes. Yes, you did."

Gosh, I'd like to pop in to take her lunch and visit with baby Tee.

When I was finally able to come home it was heavenly to be in my own bed again. For the first several days I spent much of my time napping, watching more Netflix, and spending time with Tee. The bottles we had had to give him made nursing more difficult and so much time was spent doing skin to skin and coaxing him to only nurse. In the midst of it all it felt like an epic battle and I'm so glad Travis gently reminded me that we'd had similar problems before and I could do it. (Although to this day Tee rarely nurses on my right side.)

 My mom moved in with us for a couple of weeks and she would get up with the baby, change him, wake me, sleep on the sofa while I nursed him in the recliner, send me back to bed, burp him, and get him back to sleep. For the first couple weeks I spent most of my night sleeping and Mom spent much of the day napping. It worked out remarkably well and my healing went very smoothly.

But c-sections are funny things. I don't really feel like I gave birth to my son; it seems much more that something was done to me. The process of giving birth - of pushing a baby out and feeling all the contractions and pressure and pain - that was so very different than Tee's delivery, where all I did was lie on a table and worry. It's not that the other births feel more victorious.  I don't know. I can't explain it really except to say it was weird.

The soundtrack to Thomas Emil's pregnancy and early days:

7QT - Music, Mantels, Devotionals, Nursing, and more

1 - I'm working on a new playlist of mellow, pretty songs that match November weather, and here's what I've got so far. What would you suggest I add?


2 - So I switched out my Halloween decorations for my Thanksgiving ones and....no one who actually lives in my home cared. Ben helped me for a little bit but soon got tired of me putting a pumpkin in one place, standing back, staring at it, moving it to a new place, standing back, staring at it, moving it back to where it was originally but with something different next to it, standing back...

How is that not thrilling?!

Of course I grammed a little bit of it, but if you didn't see it I'll show you here, even though - I know - it's actually not that interesting.

3 - Speaking of Instagram, have you ever clicked on someone's IG handle on another person's picture and then seen that they have awesome pictures and started following them? And like you know nothing about them except that they have awesome pictures? It feels kinda creepy, right?

Oh well. I did that recently and ended up discovering a grammer and blogger who I may have spent way too much time pouring over every blessed thing she ever wrote. Cozy Home Chronicles - have you guys ever heard of this blog? I'm in love.


4 - I'm really excited about the Advent devotional that the creators of Blessed Is She have put together. If you're looking for a little something to help you walk through the four weeks of Advent (which begin at the end of November - head's up!) I really encourage you to get this. I might even buy a few and pass them out at Thanksgiving to the women in my family.

To learn more or to order one just click on the image below.



5 - Being able to tell JF' story is an honor, an emotional roller coaster, and something I feel called to do for God's glory. I've been trying to balance out of state and in state events and it's been a lot of fun working with people. For example, in December I'll be in Park Forest, Illinois, speaking at the parish one of our good friends grew up in (JP's godmother!) and in March Travis and I will be going to Pilot Grove, Missouri and staying with the parents of one of Trav's former students. It's a lot of fun - even with all the crying that comes along with it.


6 - Sunday was the last night I nursed my baby. :(

He's fifteen months and this is the longest I've ever been able to nurse so there's much to be grateful for (babies to nurse! a relatively easy time nursing! being able to do it for so long! that God created us with the potential to pull down our pajama top and fall back asleep all the while feeding and comforting our children without having to go to the kitchen!).

BUT there's a chance we may never have another baby and so Monday may be the last time I ever nurse a baby again. That's sad. That makes me tear up a little bit. But Monday I stayed at the hospital with JF, Tuesday he slept through the night, and Wednesday I knew he hadn't eaten much at dinner so I fed him food and gave him a drink of water and he wanted to go back to bed. So now we're done.

7 - I was really surprised and honored when Kristin from This Inspired Life podcast contacted me and asked if I'd like to jump in on the fun and chat it up with her. You guys! It was crazy getting the interview done! On Monday we were at the beginning of our conversation, me tucked away in my bedroom while the kids watched a movie down the hall, and suddenly there was an incredibly loud noise.

"Someone is drilling into my house!" I said, and I was right. The telephone company was installing something right outside my window.

Then about five minutes later there was a knock at the door.

Then about a minute later the kids were running down the hall, loudly.

Then about three minutes later I got the call from JF' school nurse telling me she'd just given him the epi pen and called 911.

We scheduled our follow-up for Thursday morning and as I was putting on a new movie for the kids I realized that the internet was down.

At that point it was just funny. Already long story short: I fixed the connection, Skyped with Kristin, and now the podcast is live.

In it I talk about JF, the cause, blogging, Behold, the blog consulting business, and I give 5 tips for bloggers. You can listen here, if you'd like. :)


If you're new here, stick around! You can follow A Knotted Life on Bloglovin' or Feedly.
Plus, I'd love to connect with you. You can find me on Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook. I hope to "meet" you soon!

Seven Quick Takes

1 - If I had money I would actually buy this album when it drops next week. I love me some The Head and the Heart.

2 - For those of you who watched and enjoyed The Lizzie Bennet Diaries you'll be happy to know the same team has done a series called Emma Approved. I'll be saving them up so I can plow through them all at once.

3 - Since it's October I was craving fallish things. The weather hasn't been cooperating so I had to take matters into my own hands and make something pumpkin-y. Pinterest came to my aid and I made Joyful Momma's Kitchen's pumpkin scones with a maple glaze. They were delicious! Make some right now.

4 - So.... The Walking Dead... I just buzzed my way through the whole of season 3 so that I can... I don't know, wait another year until season 4 is on Netflix. I know what you're thinking. "Hey Bonnie, do you really think you should be watching that show any more? Remember how you couldn't concentrate enough to even pump gas because you became so preoccupied by the zombie apocalypse? You could barely even sleep at night you were so scared and worried about what you would do and how you would save your children in a world full of walkers. What are you doing?"

And my answer:
Yes, it is true that I do keep a pair of knitting needles in my car so I can stab a zombie in the eye should the world ever come to that. However! The show The Walking Dead has become much more about the survivors than the zombies and I'm interested in those characters. Especially Herschel and Darryl - I love those two men. Plus, Woodbury and the prison are not locations similar to my life so it seems more like pretend. (What?! It is pretend you say?! Well I say I will be prepared because I am taking all kinds of mental notes, friends!) When Rick, Glenn, Carol and the rest were on the run, holed up in homes and the farm, driving through the country or city and passing all kinds of walkers, well, that was just a little too close to my imagined reality and it freaked me out a bit.

And then there's this:

5 - It's funny the things you celebrate when you're a parent. For example: JP had become a little backed up. A week and a half ago he had a poopy diaper and then nothing but a couple of sharts for the next week. He was super fussy and I was super confused because he's only getting breastmilk - what is there to constipate him? Anyways, the doctor said to give him 1-2 teaspoons of prune juice a day until he had a BM. Three teaspoons later and JP pooped! It was at dinner and we all cheered. The next morning he pooped again and I called my husband to tell him. The next day he pooped again and my mom and I applauded.

And now I think he has allergies like his brothers so boo to constricted diets but yay to pooping, happy babies!

6 - Speaking of pooping, happy babies.: A HUGE congrats to my friend Kathryn! She's pregnant with her 6th baby and I'm so happy for her. If you haven't yet, head on over and read all about her exciting news. And then, even though she hasn't said it, please say a prayer for her, her husband Scott, and their new baby. Their baby #5 was a NICU baby and I know that once you experience the NICU you are forever afraid of it.

Kathryn, I'm praying for peace in your and Scott's hearts and for a healthy baby. Also, I'm hoping for a girl.

7 - Yesterday the kids and I were driving to the grocery store in a neighboring town called Washington. L, who is learning Spanish at school, asked me how one says "Washington" in espanol. I explained that you would just say "Washington" because it doesn't translate. Ben then said, "Washington. HEY!!! I just spoke SPANISH!!" He was so proud and excited -it was awesome.


Many thanks to Jen for hosting! You're the best, Mrs. Fulwiler!

Seven Quick Takes

1 - I'm going through a little Matchbox Twenty phase right now. It's fun.

2 - My latest at Ignitum Today: Pride and Postpartum Depression.

3 - Today we had beautiful fall weather and so the kids and I went to the park after Mass. Then, during quiet time, I painted my nails a dark purple. The boys' birthday party is tomorrow otherwise I would have gotten out the fall decorations.

4 - Speaking of fallish things... I'm helping organize the All Hallow's Eve party at my parish. I'm really trying to create something that has structure for the kids and is a good marriage of the secular Halloween and the Catholic All Hallow's Eve. I'm excited for the decorations, games, sneaky they-don't-know-they're-learning-because-it's-fun catechizing, and the costumes. I've started a Pinterest board and I'll be happily adding to it in the coming weeks. Here's a sneak peak:

pretzel sticks + mini marshmallows + white chocolate = RELICS! Get it?! 

5 - Honestly, I started these 7QT last week and never got the chance to finish them... until a week later...

6 - And now poor JF is sick and I'm exhausted and Travis is going out of town tomorrow for his Masters class. So I got nothing...

7 - Except for this story:
L: Mommy, does JP drink regular milk or soy milk?
Me: Actually, he drinks human breastmilk, which is neither regular (2%) milk nor soy milk.
L: What do you mean?
Me: Well, regular milk is actually cow's milk, it comes from a cow. Soy milk is made from the soybeans that grown in the fields around us. But JP drinks milk from my breast - not from cows or soybeans but human breastmilk.
L: Ummmm... okay... So does JP drink regular milk or soy milk?
Me: He drinks regular milk.

Seven Quick Takes

1 - Today's song is brought to you in honor of the Gospel reading from Mass today, Matthew 25:1-13. "The virgins are all trimming their wicks." Man I love how he says that line.

2 - A couple of links I wanted to share: Here's a beautiful message from creator of Calvin & Hobbes told through a comic strip. Do yourself a favor and click on the link. Audrey Assad shared this article on Facebook and I found it really helpful. Maybe you will too. Nine things about Syria you were too embarrassed to ask.

3 - Do you ever get dressed for something and not know if you look good and end up taking a bunch of pictures of yourself to convince yourself that you look good? No? Me either.

"If I stand like this do I look fabulous?" 

L looks fabulous. Especially in that shirt. A rollerskating purple horse with heart-shaped sunglasses. Fabulous.

4 - I'd like to say thank you to whoever it was that mentioned The Lizzie Bennet Diaries to me. Blog? Facebook? Conversation? I don't know, but whoever you are: Thank You! I'm really enjoying it.

5 - I have recently fallen in love with the top-knot bun.

And since it's been 90+ degrees outside lately it's been perfect. I wear it high and low and I love, love, love it. But it does hit the top of the van when I'm getting in and out of the van.

6 - Travis made a  lemon merangue pie - completely from scratch. He squeezed the lemons and whipped the egg whites and rolled out the crust and everything. And let me tell you something: it was amazing! SO GOOD!

7 - Travis made the pie and L made this picture: 

If you can't tell it's me nursing JP. There's the Boppy and the baby and the recliner and my great big boob and lots of love.

Seven Quick Takes

1 - I confess, I am not feeling this song today, but it was the one I had planned on using all week. Obviously, my week started on a better foot than the one it's ending on. Maybe you're having a good day, though, and this peppy song is right up your alley. Good for you, then.

2 - My stress levels are through the roof right now. This week was supposed to be about finishing up projects in the house so when the realtor comes Tuesday at 2pm everything is done and clean and ready for pictures. But instead this week has been diddled away and nothing is done yet. I loaded all the kids into the car to get out of the house so Travis could stop taking care of kids and start work only to realize that we have no cash and both my credit cards were expired.

3 - Obviously I did *not* do the 7 days of blogging challenge from Jen. Let me tell ya: it was awesome. I had something to read all the time and no pressure to write anything. I say make it a quarterly thing, Jennifer!

4 - Well, I'm down 28lbs of baby weight. This is good news, except that I still have 15lbs to lose to be back to what I weighed before I got pregnant with JP. And then there's the other 45lbs I'll have to lose to be back to my pre-L weight, which is still 10lbs more than what I weighed when I got married. After Resa I lost 20lbs in 3 months with Weight Watchers, but if you read #3 above then you'll know that right now we do not have money for WW. I guess I'll just have to exercise and use portion control on my own. Blah.

5 -  Here's something to not be grumpy about: Catholic All Year's Kendra has been spending her summer in Chicagoland instead of the greater LA area and has agreed to come down for a little visit this Monday. All our kids will be together and it will be madness but I think I'll love it. Or I might just ignore my kids and cling to adult conversation.

6 - While nursing JP and Resa I noticed something that I'm not sure I noticed with L and Ben. (I wasn't able to nurse JF.) For a brief period during each nursing I feel this wave of being sad and overwhelmed. It hits me fairly hard, especially if I'm not distracted in conversation or television viewing, and I feel like I have a sudden, huge lump in my throat - like I'm on the brink of breaking down. And then, almost as quickly as it comes it is gone. If memory serves me right, it didn't last the entire 10 months I nursed Resa, and I actually forgot about it until it started with JP once my milk came in. A friend of mine suffered from D-MER with her babies and having listened to her I suspect that's what's going on with me, too. Anyone else gone through something similar?

7 - After my nap I'm going to start trying this:

Thank you to the perfectly lovely Jennifer Fulwiller for hosting!

7 quick takes

1 - Resa's birth story is now up.  You can check it out below this post, or click here.  Though by clicking you will no longer be able to hear this funky, groovy, perfect song.  Thank you, Mr. Stevie Wonder, for writing this piece of music.

2 - Cluster feeding is happening.  Milk is coming in.  I am sore.  She won't nap.  Which means I can't nap. 

3 - I listened to Johnny Cash while laboring with Fesa.  I did that with Ben's birth, too, and it's so helpful.  Highly recommend it.

4 - How 'bout some pictures?

5 - Ben LOVES Baby Resa, as he calls her.  LOVES her.  As soon as he saw her he asked to hold her, and when he did he immediately put his cheek to hers, kissed her, patted her head, commented on how soft her hair was, and then - waving his hand around her - he asked, "Where baby come from?"

6 - L is very interested in how I feed Fesa.  When we first came home from the hospital she asked if she could feed Fesa some babyfood.  I explained she would have to eat milk from my breast.   L asked, "How will she do that?  With hoses?"

7 - JF doesn't know what to think of our newborn but he's pretty ticked that I can't pick him up right now nor hold him while she's nursing.  Poor little boy.

Alright, friends.  Thanks for all the well wishes, love, congrats, prayers, and general nice things you've said.  We appreciate it!  And now it's time to nurse!  Have a fun weekend, and check out conversiondiary.com for more quick takes!

No sex for months

How's that for a catchy title?  It needs to be catchy because I need people to read this post and offer some advice, send me some links, lend me some books, and let me know if it's gonna suck as much as I think it's gonna suck.

And just to be completely clear - this is a natural family planning postpartum post.  Mucus, breastfeeding, gettin'-it-on, and Church theology will all be discussed here.  If that's not your cup of tea I think the Pioneer Woman is talking about being a rancher, or cooking, or something that doesn't involve my four topics of the day.  You'll be happier there.

In about five weeks I'm going to give birth to my fourth child.  We will be a family of six (6, yo) with all four kiddos being four and under.  As in L will have turned four two weeks prior, Ben will be two and three-fourths and JF will be one and three-fourths.  For the record, this baby was more or less planned.

But after this baby comes Travis and I don't want to have any more kids for a long time... or forever.  Who knows?  God knows.  And He also knows that I feel like the Mad Hatter and need a good, long break from pregnancy, babies, and buying a bigger van.  I've told Him so, and He has a first row seat to my life.

Motherhood:

Anyways, all of this is building up to a point and that point is this:  How in the hell do people practice natural family planning when they are:

- breastfeeding, but...
- NOT ecologically breastfeeding
- prone to crazy, hard to read because it's almost always there and varying postpartum mucus
- super, duper, ridiculously fertile

I would really like to nurse this baby but co-sleeping, baby-wearing, nursing on demand, and not letting a kid who wants to sleep through the night, sleep through the night do not work for me.  At all.  Ecological breastfeeding is not an option for me because it transforms me into the worst mother, wife, and person in the world. 

TMI alert - after JF was born Trav and I were not intimate for four months because we did not want to get pregnant.  (That's right I wouldn't have even been able to take the Guttmacher survey about nfp and contraceptives because of the very fact that I was practicing nfp!)  I was also not nursing JF, just pumping for awhile but that had stopped by four months.

My husband and I are completely committed to the Church's teachings on sex, marriage, chastity, contraception, and nfp. But that doesn't mean I don't look at the list above and have to remind myself of why I believe those things.

There's also this:

Abstinence is probably our best bet if I really am going to nurse, and I know that because I will not be ecologically breastfeeding my cycles will return sooner.  But I'm still thinking I need to wait a good two or three cycles before we do anything crazy and that could very well mean four, five, six, or more months of postpartum nothingness.  We have done abstinence before but, I will be honest, chastity in those four months was pretty hard at times. 

So now the bottom line:  Does anyone out there have any experience with something similar?  Any advice to offer?  Anything?  Surely I am not the only woman God has put on His green earth with a similar situation.  Right?

making peace with attachment parenting

Before I was a mom I was pretty confident that I would be an ap (attachment parenting) mom.  My babies would be in slings, I wouldn't have a nap schedule, we'd probably co-sleep, and I'd do "time-ins" instead of "time outs."  All of this builds confidence in children and promotes "peaceful parenting", as ap-ers would explain.

And then I gave birth. 

I quickly learned that my kid did not like slings, wraps, or anything else carrying her that wasn't my two arms.  I also learned that if I didn't schedule my day - including time for a nap - and have everything at roughly the same time every day my kid would not thrive and I would fall apart.  It didn't take long to realize I did not sleep well with my baby in bed with me.  In fact, I don't sleep well with my babies in the same room as me!  And when I am mad at my child the last thing I want is for anyone to talk to me or touch me.  A time out is beneficial for me, probably more so than my kids.

What I learned is that I don't like a lot of physical touch, something that ap seemed to be pretty big on. 

I did not see any of this coming.

For awhile I tried to fight myself, convinced that what the attachment parents were saying was true:  my children would be stupid, hoarding, serial killers if I didn't wear them in slings, co-sleep, homeschool, never force a nap time, never let them cry for more than 2 minutes.

Of course those weren't their exact words but the tone and body language of most ap moms I knew made me feel like a horrible excuse for a parent and a complete failure of a mother because what worked for them and what nature clearly intends for children to need in order to thrive didn't work for me.

See what I mean?  That language, "what nature clearly intends for children to need in order to thrive;" was some exact words - or variations of - and so of course the ap movement made me feel like crap!  I was very, very hurt.  I was struggling in my role of motherhood and I was especially troubled because I thought it would be so easy.  Yet the very way I was told to parent - the way I was told Nature (and therefore GOD) wanted us to parent - was not how I wanted to parent.  It wasn't working for me.  I became angry and resentful towards a lot of those women, especially when they'd post a link to some study on Facebook, citing how moms who let their kids cry for more than 5 minutes are raising damaged monsters. 

Honestly, I think I got hit harder with all of this because I'm part of two groups (natural-family-planning-practicing Catholics and home birthers) that are a lot more ap then other groups I've encountered, in part because of the big emphasis on breastfeeding. 

Trying to do "peaceful parenting" made me exhausted and worn thin.  So much so that when things didn't go well I would scream my head off, punch the walls, and curse at my kids.  When I tried explaining this to ap-ers I was told to do a "time-in" with my kids, hugging them instead of sending them to time out.  They didn't seem to get it.  And my life, home, and parenting was anything but peaceful.

It took me awhile, but I finally figured out what I need to do to parent my kids successfully.  We have a schedule.  Quiet time/nap time happens at about the same time every day.  I will keep my kids up a little bit longer so all three nap at the same time because I need quiet time, too.  I nurse my kids in a chair in the middle of the night - not in bed.  I introduce a bottle fairly early so I can go out and be by myself. 

I'm sure to some I sound like a horrible, monster of a mother.  But I really need to not touch my kids all day long.  I really need a good hour break in the middle of the day when no one talks to me, hugs me, kisses me, sits on my lap or comes close.  Having these breaks allows me to give plenty of physical affection to my children during the rest of the day.  Maybe it's the introvert in me coming out; whatever it is, it's the way I need it to be. 

I am a better mom for it.  Those breaks are my sanity.  Seriously.

In the end it was figuring out what "peaceful parenting" looked like in my home that made me let go of a lot of the hurt I felt towards the attachment parenting people I know.  I also started telling them how their language made me feel belittled and unfairly judged.  I started discussing with them my experiences in parenting.  And suddenly they started apologizing, empathizing, and explaining things in less polarizing ways. 

Of course there may have been a few fights I picked on Facebook along the way, but I'm pretty embarrassed about those now that my anger is gone.  If you were on the receiving end of my pettiness, I'm sorry!

I do not consider myself a "peaceful parent" - not in the way the attachment parenting movement would explain it.  But I would consider myself a good mom, and so would m thriving, happy, healthy kids.  And that's what matters. 

the nurse practioner was mad

Today my poor little boy had to endure hours (like 10) of not being fed so he could undergo tests to see if he has acid reflux.  We don't know yet if he has reflux, but we do know, courtesy an x-ray, that his feeding tube went in his nose, down his throat, into his belly, curled around, and came back out to empty into his esophagus.  No wonder he sounded wet and icky!

Actually, I don't know how much that was affecting him when he nippled and such, but "it didn't help!" in the words of his nurse practitioner. 

You should have seen him, though.  He cried if he didn't have his pacifier, but he also looked around, listened to me sing, held my hand, and was just so cute.  He is so precious.  Adorable.  Wonderful.  Miraculous.

In other news, L spent a long, fun day with her Daddy at work.  Today was Homecoming for the Grey Ghosts, and she had lunch at school, drew on his whiteboard, saw the Homecoming parade, went out for pizza, and went to the football game.  She had a blast.

Also, Ben is cutting another tooth.  He's grumpier than usual, but still so cute.  He is so expressive with his hand gestures, grunts, and babbles.  Also, I'm pretty sure he says, "tickle, tickle, tickle" "mama," "dada," light," "dia" for L, and "ah dah!" means he's happy.

Lastly, about the breastmilk.  I have quite a bit in storage, and JF gets it in his feeding tube, which is what we'll continue to do at home until the milk is gone or he's no longer feeding through the g tube.  I cannot put him to breast because milk is too thin for him to handle.  In fact, the only way he is able to take a bottle is if he has a mixture of rice cereal and formula.  Breastmilk contains an enzyme that breaks down starches so a bottle of breastmilk and cereal would be one consistency at the beginning of a feeding and another, unsafe consistency at the end.

7 quick takes

1.  It's 4:40am and I've been up for a little while.  That kinda sucks.  Also, I should be working on something else, if I'm gonna be working on anything, but I'd much rather eat Frosted Flakes and type this.

2.  I'm in the midst of Operation Dry Up, but someone hasn't told my milk ducts.  The only way I know to dry up is by getting pregnant and that's not gonna happen right now (mental note:  begin charting).  I am still pumping because I don't want mastitis, but I am not emptying the breasts.  I was hoping to notice a drop in output after 3 or so days but no luck.

3.  The reason for Operation Dry Up?  JF will be coming home very soon and I don't think there's any way I can pump and take care of all the kids and not go crazy.  And I'm not being flippant about the crazy part.  I remember post partum with L and so I know it's within my realm to have a very, very ugly, difficult time adjusting.  Taking one thing off my plate, even something as good as breastmilk is simply the right thing to do.

4.  Ben had an appointment with an allergist earlier this week.  As was suspected, he is allergic to dairy, eggs, peanuts, dogs, and cats.  The good news:  his allergy to dairy and eggs manifests itself only in itchy rashes and dry skin so there's a chance he may outgrow those.  Yay for ice cream and French toast!  The bad news:  his peanut allergy is more severe and so we should begin reading labels and removing all peanut-y things from his diet.  More bad news:  the dog and cat thing he may also outgrow but it often morphs into seasonal allergies, pollens, trees, etc.  He is also more likely to develop asthma.  Because of this my in laws will have to do some major pet hair removal before his arrivals and my dad will have to quit smoking forever.  Okay, so the quit smoking thing is really good for everyone, but it'll be hard for Dad.  And really, he wouldn't have to quit, but we're going to use Ben's condition as another reason why he has to.  But don't tell him that!

5.  A lot of friends have been bringing us meals.  I just want to thank you for doing that.  It's soooo nice to not have to budget meal prep into my days.  It leaves more time for kids, which is something I really need right now (so do they!).  It's also wonderful - and I mean really, really wonderful - to not have to exert the mental energy for meal planning and grocery shopping.  And, of course, it's also nice to get to eat really good dinners every night.  :)

6.  Today JF gets an upper gi test to see if he has acid reflux.  If he does they will do some stomach surgery to correct it while they put in his feeding tube.  (I encourage you to google "g tube" to see what it looks like.)  So yes, JF is getting a feeding tube.  Basically he is having problems nippling his entire feedings and is still at risk for aspirating.  I have a very strong feeling that he will improve with these things when he's home, being fed by the same 2-4 people, not on a feeding schedule, not interrupted from his sleep for various reasons.  However, I also know we will be using the g tube to make sure he's getting all the calories he needs, especially as he continues to heal and get stronger.  I am not as scared or sad about the g tube as I once was, though I do pray for healing of JF's brain and throat so he will eat safely and normally.

7.  Yesterday I went shopping for a few new pieces of clothes.  For at least a year I've been wearing hand-me-down jeans from a friend with a different body type than mine.  I finally got a new pair - and from a real department store - not Wal Mart or Target!  I also bought a new pair of black flats since my old flats are now too small for my pregnancy-grown feet.  I looked at shirts, too, but only felt affirmed that if you're large chested and all around fat there's not many choices available unless you want to wear things that are too small or have the same wardrobe as your mother.  Mom's clothes look great on Mom, but they're not my style.  This is why I looked like crap in high school.

ssshhh... don't tell my friends at LLL

But we have given Ben formula.  (I had forgotten how that stuff stinks!)  Travis took the kids to his parents' last night so I could catch up on some sleep.  The pumped milk supply is running low so we had to introduce formula a couple days ago to make sure he'd get enough to eat.  He took it well, but when I arrived at their home today he was very happy to latch on again.  :)


PS - My friends at LLL wouldn't actually care.  That was just a joke.

6 days later

A week ago today I went into labor! Yay!

Here's a few updates about life as a family of four.

- L is a great big sister. She sleeps through his crying at night, points out his body parts (hair, belly, ear), and seems to enjoy the fact that when his diaper is being changed it's not her diaper.

- I'm fighting a small case of mastitis. Yesterday I had a temp of 100.8, chills and sweats and I was very weak and tired. Today I'm feeling much better, but I'm still taking it mighty easy.

- We have been receiving huge amounts of help and support from family and friends, for which we are incredibly grateful. Meals, laundry, babysitting, light cleaning, playing with L, gifts and company - all have been much appreciated and needed.

- Ben's umbilical cord stump fell off Tuesday night. That fact makes Travis and I very happy because it smelled pretty darn rank. My midwife pointed out, though, that it is a piece of rotting flesh after all.

- Ben is a MUCH easier baby than L ever was. He cries if he's poopy or hungry. He takes good, long naps. He nurses rather well. He doesn't have to be held all the time. I am very grateful to God for giving me an easy baby and I hope and pray He never gives me a difficult baby again. Surely L was more than enough.

- The weepiness has kicked in, but at this point the baby blues are nothing compared to last time. I cry the most when I'm tired, but I've been a lot more intentional this time around to nap. The first time I cried was actually about L. She was staying with my in-laws the first couple of days of Ben's life and I missed her and - boom - I was crying.

- Completely not related to my children: Travis and I discovered the old tv show Coach can be watched instantly via Netflix. While watching it they said, "Coach is filmed before a live studio audience. " When I heard those words they felt really nostalgic to me - most of the shows I watched growing up were filmed before a live studio audience (Full House, Home Improvement, etc) but not any more. I started thinking about that and how all the shows I watch now are dramas or cop shows or whatever, but definitely not sitcoms. And if a show is filmed in front of an audience it's American Idol, Jeopardy, etc. Hmmm... I think they should bring back a sitcom. That would make me - get a load of this - happy! :)

Babies are expensive

This past week L has had serious diaper rash, which was aggravated by diarrhea. We ended up going to the doctor, who prescribed some yeast infection medication and had me make PICU cream to use instead of Desetin and Butt Paste. But the doctor and trip to the drug store are not the expenses I'm referring to.

Because she's been going through diapers soooo quickly we've been using disposable diapers for the past week. On sale, the cheap brand is still around $11.

We also have been giving L soy milk because as I progress in my pregnancy my milk supply continues to decrease. However, since she's not yet 12 months, and she's not getting enough breast milk, we had to get some formula. Holy cow - talk about highway robbery! With powder formula (has to be soy for her) it costs about $1.30 for each 8oz bottle.

This week has made me really appreciate how much money we've saved by using cloth diapers and nursing L for so long. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Breastfeeding & 4 year olds

Thursday I had the great joy to meet a new friend at B&N so she could help me copy recipes from cookbooks while we sat in the cafe. I had L with me, and she had her twin 4 year old daughters. First allow me to say, they are adorable!

I had a bottle for L, but she was more interested in nursing, so I went ahead and pulled up my shirt and let her nurse. The girls had never really seen anyone nurse a baby before and they got in close to see what L was doing. They were curious, maybe a little weirded out. I let them look, because, well, I'm not shy. And that started a little teaching moment.

I told them that L was drinking milk, that moms with babies can make milk. I asked if they'd ever seen a baby cow, horse or other animal drink milk from their mommy. They had, so that made things a little easier, and their mom helped with this point.

I asked if they thought it was kinda funny, because by the look on their faces they surely thought it was. They were pretty insistent that L would rather drink out of her bottle. :)

To the mom of those twin girls - I really hope it was okay! Maybe they'll grow up and be breastfeeding advocates and it'll all be traced back to their boring day at B&N! Maybe not. *shrug*

And here we go again again

L is teething again. Ahhhh... She had been so sweet during the day. So loving, and smiley, and flirty and cute. And now she's in pain and cranky and fussy. However, this is no where near as bad as when she cut her top 4 all at the same time.

Probably one of the most frustrating parts of this new pregnancy is that my milk supply has majorly decreased and L is not quite ready to be eating lots of food. So my little girl is hungry a lot, and now that she wants to nurse more for comfort - well, I hope she learns to chew better. And soon!

Yay for my cousin!

My cousin, Ben, and his wife, Tonya, just had their second baby boy, Noah. Ton was hoping for a VBAC but ended up with another c-section. Despite the fact that she was a little disappointed, she had a great experience with her doctor and the surgery (although the dumb nurses kept wanting to give Noah a bottle instead of listening to Ben and Ton the first time and waiting for Ton to be able to nurse. That's annoying!)

Little Noah was born on our anniversary and was almost as big as L, which means pretty dang big! :)

You can read the birth story here.

Congrats again, Ben & Ton! Love you both!

My nursing humor

Someone took us out for lunch and made a reference to L eating. I replied, "Drinks are on me for this one."

On a road trip my mother-in-law asked if I brought a bottle. "No," I replied, "but I brought two jugs."

When L's hungry and in the arms of a non-lactating person, we refer to that person as a "milk dud."


What about the rest of you moms, do you have any breastfeeding jokes?

Crying it out, Bedtime and Breastfeeding

So, here's the thing. Pretty much the only way that L can get to sleep is if I nurse her to sleep. This is a alright for the most part, except for the fact that it means I pretty much have to be around every night. It can also be hard because, truth be told, I don't really like breastfeeding.

Okay, breastfeeding - it's super easy, it's super quick, it's super good for mom and baby. It creates a bond, it soothes, studies show it makes kids healthier and smarter. Breastfeeding is pretty much an absolute GOOD. But it makes for a LOT of personal contact and often, by the end of the day, I am ready to not hold my daughter any more. It's not that I don't love her, or think she's absolutely wonderful and adorable, it's just that I want to not have to touch anyone.

So that's my little secret. As much of a breastfeeding activist that I am, I don't love doing it.

Because of all that, Travis and I recently decided to try getting L to sleep by being rocked or just held. But the new bedtime routine of dinner (cereal), bath, book and cuddle hasn't been working very well and in the end, after much fussing, I just end up nursing her anyways.

Last night, though, we decided to try "Crying it out." It was clear that she was tired when we put her in the crib but after 50 minutes she was still crying and I felt like a JERK. (We did the method where you go back and soothe without picking up after certain periods of time.) But in the end I picked her up, apologized for leaving her alone, asked for her forgiveness, let her snuggle into my chest and eventually nursed her to sleep.

I'm not quite sure if we're succeeding as parents in this area or failing, but I think it just depends on which camp you ask. I do know this, it will be awhile before we try "crying it out" again, if we ever do.

Any words of encouragement or advice?

yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy

Tonight we introduced solids! By doing this I did not fulfill my original goal of exclusive breastfeeding through the 6th month, but I'm hoping it will help me reach my new goal of L sleeping through the night again. What can I say, I'm a better mom when I have a good night's sleep.

Look at her smile as her Daddy feeds her! She was actually laughing at the noises he was making.

By the end she was a little sloppy and had somehow lost a sock in the process. Also, when the bowl was basically empty we let her finally hold it and, of course, it went right to her mouth.

Side note: Many thanks to MVV for unknowingly letting us use his plastic bowl, of which we have none.

Side note #2: Please remember to ask me before you feed L anything!

We took video. I'm sorry that I say the word "yummy" so many times that it becomes incredibly annoying. Now I know not to do that. You'll notice a couple of things while you watch the videos, like that I'm more concerned with neatness and Travis is more concerned with fun. Consider this a good example of pretty much every aspect of our lives. :)