Eight Images That Tell You Everything You Need to Know About This Blog

Jennifer Fulwiler posted a hilarious list of the ten images that best represent her blog and what she writes about. She encouraged other bloggers to do the same. 

Challenge happily accepted.

I went through the pictures from ye olde blog and found the ones I thought were the best representations of what I write about. So here goes...

{ a good example of this sentimentality }

{ read this }

{ this and this are my two faves on this topic }

{ Not necessarily the ones above, but I do get geeky about things. Like Lost, Doctor Who, and Sherlock.}

{ Peter Mark }

 { Most related post }

{ zombies in general }

{ and I love it and hate it }

Jen was right, it was a lot of fun to do this post. Let me know in the combox if you wrote one too.

Nine Months of Doing it Wrong

I have written and rewritten this post at least a hundred times in my mind and several times on the blog. Every version seems wrong and in the end I've decided that this is what it all comes down to:

Ever since we learned I was pregnant with this baby I have been afraid and angry.

I have been angry at myself for sucking at nfp (because really when you keep trying to do something and the opposite keeps happening then really you do suck at what you're trying to do). I have been afraid of the long abstinence that will come after this baby's birth.

I have been angry at families with kids spaced every 2-3 years who have tried to tell me that I don't suck at nfp because, really, they just don't know how I feel and their well intentioned cheerleading is actually painfully isolating. I have been afraid that they're actually right and that while God is blessing me with all these kids spaced so close together I'm allowing myself to feel overwhelmed instead of being grateful and joyful.

I have been angry with God for this abundance of fertility and for creating sex and marriage and bodies to have a specific type of meaning and truth and beauty. I have been afraid that when the Christian couples I know say they only want three kids or praise their tubal ligation that I am their reasoning, proof, and confirmation.

But mostly I am afraid that this birth will be traumatic like Resa's and JF's. I am afraid of the physical and emotional pain. I am afraid of another stuck baby, breathless baby, lifeless baby.

And, in another sense of the word, I am afraid that for the past nine months I have been doing it all wrong. Instead of casting my concerns to God I have mostly stopped praying except for grace before meals and "Lord, have mercy." Instead of offering up the pain and suffering I have wallowed in it, building up the fear and worries. Instead of choosing to hope and trust I have lived in the dark and embraced the grief.

None of this has gotten me anywhere. On Tuesday, July 9th I'll arrive at the hospital a little before 6am to be induced at 39 weeks. In an effort to birth a ten pound baby instead of an eleven pound one I won't wait for my body to do it's thing. In an effort to not feel the pain I will have my first medicated birth. I no longer trust my body or myself and I am going into labor still very afraid.

I wonder what would have happened had I actually spent these past nine months praying and working with God through these emotions. Would I have peace?
And what if I had spent these nine months offering up my struggles for others? Would my part in redemptive suffering have brought healing to an infertile couple or peace to a tumultuous marriage?
What if I had joyfully accepted my fertility - which is both blessing and a burden for me - would my witness mean others would be more open to the gift of life?
What if instead of nurturing fear and anger for these past nine months I had spent my days whispering, "Jesus, I trust in You," and, "Thank You, God, for these great gifts"? What eternal good could I have done had I chosen faith, hope, and love?

I know that this baby is a blessing and fruit of a happy, healthy marriage. I know that when I hold this baby in my arms for the first time I will be amazed and the love I already feel with magnify. I know that my Lord is all good and that He loves me and will forgive me for any sins in these past nine months. I am sorry that I didn't appreciate the towering positives from the very beginning.

This is my attempt at humor.

And if I could ask just one small thing, please pray for me, my baby, and that all goes well on Tuesday. Thank you.

Here's a little update:
7QT: the JP edition

Related posts:
No Sex for Months
Kids are Great! and No Sex for Months Part II
So We're All in this Together

7 quick takes

1 - You can make fun of me.  It's okay.  But I think that secretly you like this song, too.

2 - So the post from last night was pretty heavy so this will be light and cheery, okay?  Okay.

3 - This is what I want it to look like outside my house:

I'd like it to be at least 10" deep.  I'd like for my husband to have a snow day wherein we sleep in and make waffles for breakfast.  I want to stand on my porch in the morning when the sun is up but the roads aren't cleared so everyone is inside and everything is still.  And I want to listen to the silence that only comes when a deep snow is still fresh.  Then later I want to build a snowman with the kids and pull them in the sled.  I want to go in and make hot chocolate while Travis and L and Ben shovel and JF and Resa nap upstairs.  

I want a snow day!

4 - Do you watch the show Ghost Hunters on Syfy?  If you do, the Jan 30th episode will supposedly be about the Peoria Asylum, an abandoned facility that closed in the 1970's.  It treated people with mental illness and locally it is well known for its supposed ghost stories.  If you watch the show or if you ever visit the site, please remember this, which is something I shared on Facebook earlier this week:

I know people just want the fun of a thrilling, local ghost story, but as the granddaughter of one of its former inhabitants I am bothered. If you're interested in the history of Peoria Asylum that's one thing and I respect that. I'm interested in it too. But if all you're looking for is a thrill I'd like to remind you that real people suffered in there. Real people lived their lives in there and those people and their memories deserve our compassion and respect, not our morbid curiosity. The stories my mom has shared with me of visiting her own mother (who had suffered brain damage) at the Peoria Asylum are nothing but sad. No one should make money or have a good time at the expense of another person, even if those people have been dead for awhile and especially if those people suffered because of mental illness.

5 - Downton Abbey question: Why is everyone so mean about Lady Edith?  Maybe I just identify with her too much and so I have a natural soft spot.  But I don't think she's that bad.  

6 - NFP question:  Travis and I would like to switch to the Marquette Method of natural family planning but there are no instructors in our area.  Has anyone else learned it via the website and emailing with a staff member?  I'm concerned that I won't learn it as well but we're also running out of options for methods that will work for us.

7 - This is funny, eh?

7 quick takes

1 - The first line is the best first line of any song ever.  You do know this song, right?  I was one year old when this song came out and I know it - surely you do, too!  It's one of my favorite Bruce Springsteen songs.  I love the story it tells and the characters that are developed in it.  It's amazing.  Favorite line in the song:  Well our luck may have died and our love may be cold but with you forever I'll stay. 

2 - Here's some updates on JF:

* He can say "Hi" "up" and "yeah" although he usually only says "hi" or grunts.  He can sign "more" "please" "where" "all done" "cracker" "book" and he waves hello and good-bye and will shake your hand if you say "Pleased to meet you."  Since he's 18 months he's definitely delayed in his communication but only by a few months, and he's quickly catching up!

* He was evaluated at Easter Seals as a follow-up, info gathering sorta thing for cooling babies. The physical therapist put his gross motor skills at 15 months (dumb bowed legs are partially to blame) and his fine motor at 16.5 (although his grasping skills were those of a 20 mo). His cognitive/learning skills placed him at 16 months. So, like I've said before, he's normal. :)

* He throws up almost every single day and while sometimes we know why (he gagged or lots of mucus-snot in his belly) a lot of the time we don't know why. He went to an allergist who thinks that JF may have eosinophilic esophogitis which means he throat is becoming inflamed due to allergies.  It's looking like the little guy will be seeing a specialist, having an endoscopy and biopsy, and hopefully we will figure all this out.

3 - Thanks to everyone who partook in the "No sex for months" conversation!  I wrote a little follow-up post, "So we're all in this together".  I'll probably be coming back to this a lot in the next months - my apologies now. 

4 - Speaking of sex: for months I've wanted to write a post about being a virgin when I got married and how great that was.   I want to write it not to make anyone feel bad but in hopes that it may encourage someone.  I have the post in my head, I just need to get to a place where I can type it out.

Look at how handsome my husband is!

5 - Last night I had dreams about zombies taking over the earth.  My zombies are always like the zombie/vampire things in I Am Legend.  (Why did I ever agree to watch that movie?  I hate scary movies!)  Of course every dream about zombies trying to break into your home is far, far worse when the only thing between them and my kids are me, hiding the kids as we crouch in a corner, and Travis with a shotgun. 

Travis dreamed that the strawberries in our garden had started to grow.

6 - So on Twitter, Facebook, and this blog I pleaded with JJ Heller to please sing her song My Savior's Love Endures when she is in Eureka next Friday for a concert.  The song means a lot to me as I sang it over JF when he was in the NICU. 

So it went down like this: 

 That's right - she said YES!  I'm so excited!  And I'll probably cry - fair warning to any central Illinoisans who may also be attending the upcoming JJ Heller / Audrey Assad show.

7 - On that note I'm going to shower, eat old donuts for breakfast and get dinner in the crockpot.  You know we're having meat today - Easter Friday and all!



So we're all in this together

A quick follow-up to my No Sex for Months post.  Once again this may be too much information for some.  Deb, my dear mother-in-law, Grandma Joan, and Mom, you have been warned.

First: Thanks to everyone for all the feedback. Based on what I know about my body and the snippets I got from people via email, facebook, and the combox there is no way in the world that I am going to use my mucus to judge when I'm fertile or not. I don't care what Creighton people say, I am already convinced that Travis and I are two of the most fertile people ever and I am leaving no room for human error. So maybe we'll go with the ClearBlueEasy stick but probably we will do the only sure thing, which is not have sex for a long time.

Second:  Do you know how mortified my husband is about me blogging all of this?  He has not forbidden me to write about it, though, because I think he sees it as useful or something else that is good.  Which is good because I'm not doing this to be scandalous or shocking, I'm doing this because nfp is hard and I need help and it's a good thing to build up support and empathy - even if it is with people I only know via the internet.

Third:  I am actually amazed at how many of my friends, after reading my post, confided in me that postpartum they too went 4, 5, 6 or more months without having sex. Why have we never complained together about how much that sucks? And why have I never read about chastity in that part of marriage? Maybe because it's a little too personal for most people?

Fourth:  The other response that surprised me to the "no sex" post was how many people promoted Creighton to me. I have a lot of respect and appreciation for Dr. Hilgers, the Pope Paul VI Institute, NaProTechnology, etc. but personally I have had some really unfortunate conversations with Creighton people in my area.  The comments they've made to me - some more offensive and hurtful than what I've gotten from pro-contraception/small family people - have really turned me off from ever wanting to learn their method of nfp. It was refreshing to have people recommend Creighton to me in a way that didn't insult my intelligence, mock my marriage bed, or belittle my children's existences. So thank you for that!

No sex for months

How's that for a catchy title?  It needs to be catchy because I need people to read this post and offer some advice, send me some links, lend me some books, and let me know if it's gonna suck as much as I think it's gonna suck.

And just to be completely clear - this is a natural family planning postpartum post.  Mucus, breastfeeding, gettin'-it-on, and Church theology will all be discussed here.  If that's not your cup of tea I think the Pioneer Woman is talking about being a rancher, or cooking, or something that doesn't involve my four topics of the day.  You'll be happier there.

In about five weeks I'm going to give birth to my fourth child.  We will be a family of six (6, yo) with all four kiddos being four and under.  As in L will have turned four two weeks prior, Ben will be two and three-fourths and JF will be one and three-fourths.  For the record, this baby was more or less planned.

But after this baby comes Travis and I don't want to have any more kids for a long time... or forever.  Who knows?  God knows.  And He also knows that I feel like the Mad Hatter and need a good, long break from pregnancy, babies, and buying a bigger van.  I've told Him so, and He has a first row seat to my life.

Motherhood:

Anyways, all of this is building up to a point and that point is this:  How in the hell do people practice natural family planning when they are:

- breastfeeding, but...
- NOT ecologically breastfeeding
- prone to crazy, hard to read because it's almost always there and varying postpartum mucus
- super, duper, ridiculously fertile

I would really like to nurse this baby but co-sleeping, baby-wearing, nursing on demand, and not letting a kid who wants to sleep through the night, sleep through the night do not work for me.  At all.  Ecological breastfeeding is not an option for me because it transforms me into the worst mother, wife, and person in the world. 

TMI alert - after JF was born Trav and I were not intimate for four months because we did not want to get pregnant.  (That's right I wouldn't have even been able to take the Guttmacher survey about nfp and contraceptives because of the very fact that I was practicing nfp!)  I was also not nursing JF, just pumping for awhile but that had stopped by four months.

My husband and I are completely committed to the Church's teachings on sex, marriage, chastity, contraception, and nfp. But that doesn't mean I don't look at the list above and have to remind myself of why I believe those things.

There's also this:

Abstinence is probably our best bet if I really am going to nurse, and I know that because I will not be ecologically breastfeeding my cycles will return sooner.  But I'm still thinking I need to wait a good two or three cycles before we do anything crazy and that could very well mean four, five, six, or more months of postpartum nothingness.  We have done abstinence before but, I will be honest, chastity in those four months was pretty hard at times. 

So now the bottom line:  Does anyone out there have any experience with something similar?  Any advice to offer?  Anything?  Surely I am not the only woman God has put on His green earth with a similar situation.  Right?

7 quick takes

1 - Aaahhh... boy bands...  I love this song, though I'll probably hate it by summer.  These boys are so little, like 13 year olds.  Is it silly of me that I wish NKOTB was singing this song?  Probably.  I also wish all men wore pants with the crotch in the crotch.  Ugh.

2 - Today I had a playdate with two friends whom I know from my college Newman Center days.  I hope that wherever you are you have friends like I have.  Friends who are funny, honest, thoughtful, and supportive.  Friends who love God and His Church and beer and $1 McDonald's ice cream cone bribes for good behavior.  It was a beautiful day, perfect weather at a park, a picnic lunch, 10 kids age 7 and under, and lots of good conversation.  So what if the conversations were always interrupted by a crying/whining/disobeying/tattling child?  It was perfect.

3 - I wrote a review of Hallie Lord's book Style, Sex & Substance over at IGNITUM TODAY.  Go check it out and share your opinion of the book in the combox! 

4 - Have you heard the good news about iusenfp.com?  Blogger friends Katie and Kayla are building a website filled with information on natural family planning.  It doesn't matter if you practice or are interested in nfp because of your religion, because of how "green" it is, because of infertility issues - there will be helpful resources and support.  They will include sympto-thermal, Creighton, NaPro Technology info, etc.  I encourage you to check them out, like them on Facebook, and snag yourself a button.

Best button ever.

5 - L's birthday is coming up in early May.  She wants a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party which means I've been pinning things.  The funny thing is that there are four versions of Strawberry Shortcake. 

The one on the left, who I loved as a little girl, L doesn't love. The one on the far right L does not love, and I'm glad about that because she's a little too mature for me - not as sweet,cute, and little for my almost 4 year old.  The Strawberry in the middle was revamped with longer hair and uglier clothes before she morphed into the one on the right.  It's the Strawberry in the middle that L loves - she's all about "working together" and "friendship".  I can live with that. 

6 - Speaking of Pinterest:

Why does everyone seem to want to put everything in a mason jar?  I wonder if this mostly appeals to people who don't otherwise eat food out of mason jars.  But since my mom has canned food and grape juice my whole life, and taught me once though I haven't tried it again, it's not cute and novel for me to eat food from one.  In fact, I always look at these things and think about what a pain in the butt it would be to prep the jar, bake the food in the jar, eat out of the jar, and then wash the jar again.  But maybe I'm just lazy. 

7 - Actually, I am lazy.  There's no way I would dye my cake batter 5 different colors and take the time to pour a little of each into a kabillion jars.  Or even one cake pan. 

Here's some good news

If you live in Cental Illinois you have a new choice for an ob-gyn: Dr. Jill Stalling.

I happen to know Dr. Stalling personally and I know that she is phenominal.  Kind, warm, hard-working, and compassionate, she is a great choice for a doctor.  Dr. Stalling is a NFP-only doctor and is is one of nine physicians worldwide providing full medical and surgical NaProTECHNOLOGY services for patients. 

If you're not familiar with NaPro Technology here's a little more info:  "Natural ProcreativeTechnology is a new women's health science that monitors and maintains awoman's reproductive and gynecological health. It provides medical and surgicaltreatments that cooperate completely with the reproductive system."  You can find out more here: http://naprotechnology.com/

So, for example, if you have endometreosis and your ob told you you'll never have kids and wrote you a a prescription for the pill to cover up the issues then you need to see Dr. Stalling.  She will actually help fix the problem!

You can find Dr. Stalling at the office of Teverbaugh, Croland, & Mueller.  Visit their website:  http://www.obgynofpeoria.com. 

7 quick takes

1 - One of my favorite things about winter is the combination of a snowy night and Christmas lights.  It's so dark and cold but then there's these pops of warmth and cheer.  When the lights glow through a good blanket of snow - that's the best.  I know most people are done with winter by this time of the year, and I know a lot of us haven't gotten a lot of snow, so I guess we can just chalk this quick take up to what I missed this past December.  But that's one of the things I so love about this video - the lights on the dark snow.  And, you know, I really like the song too.

2 - Not sure if you read my most recent post for IGNITUM TODAY.  It shared some tips of what we - as Catholic, pro-lifers) can do when we or someone we know miscarries.  The amazing thing about the post was that the day before my editor posted on her personal blog about her miscarriage and shortly after me another IT contributor posted on the loss of a stillborn baby.  It was like the Holy Spirit was pushing on us to deliver a message for Him.  And then I saw this post, "An Overdue Letter to My Children in Heaven" by the Passionate Papist.  It's absolutely beautiful; I was especially touched by what his 14 year old daughter wrote to her sisters.  I really encourage you to read it!

3 - A small group of Midwestern bishops are in Rome so they can catch up and shoot the breeze with the Pope.  My bishop, Daniel Jenky, is one of them.  (Okay, I'm sure they're talking business, too.)  One of things Bishop Jenky and the men who travelled with him will be doing while there is meeting with the postulator for Sheen's beatification cause.  I don't know if I'll be privy to any information they get while there but I'm dying to know where we are!  Will Sheen be named "Venerable" soon?  The Pope could maybe tell them...  Which alleged miracle will they use?  JF's?  How much longer will we have to wait?  It makes me wanna scream out, "You're killin' me, Smalls!"

4 - On Twitter there's two trends: #iusebirthcontrol and #iuseNFP.  The amazing thing is that many reasons that people list for using birth control are the reasons I use NFP.  And then some of the reasons tweeted make me think the person shouldn't be having sex in the first place.

5 - This made me laugh. 

6 - You probably don't think things like that because you're further along on the road to sanctification than I am.  But, if this counts for anything, there's only one person who makes me feel this way.  Yeah, I know, I should work on that...

7 - I need to cut out a bunch of moustaches to put on sucker sticks for Valentines.  We'll see if it happens.  People might just be getting some regular-old suckers.

Happy Weekend to you all!

7 quick takes

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1 - Love Mat Kearney. Love this song.  Love.

2 - Lessons from a Tribunal is my latest post over at IGNITUM TODAY.  Here's a snippet of it:

The first thing I was taught is to never call it a miracle. I can talk about the miracle of life, a miracle on 34th Street, and the miracle of water changing into wine. I cannot talk about the miracle of my son being brought back to life because it isn’t one. Well, you know, I think it’s a miracle and probably you think it’s a miracle but the Roman Catholic Church takes their miracles VERY seriously and it is not an official miracle until they say so. The tribunal was an investigation into the alleged miracle of my son being brought back to life.
When you're done here, head on over to read the rest!

3 - Travis goes back to work on Monday.  I've so enjoyed him being home and I'm not ready for him to go back.  This is why we need a snow day.

4 - I have to say I am totally disappointed with the weather.  This year was supposed to be "snowmaggedon" with all kinds of deep, lasting snow.  This week we are once again looking at highs in the 50's and sunny skies.  And yes, I am bummed as I say that.

5 - NFP and Me has a great post up about natural family planning from a Protestant's perspective.  I really appreciated reading it and I encourage you to check it out. 

6 - Today is Epiphany.  Today the kids and I (mostly me) will sing "We Three Kings" as we move the wisemen to the stable.  And during their quiet time I'll wrap the gifts I bought on sale after Christmas and put them under the tree.  Because I totally forgot about doing it last night.  Ooops.

7 - Does anyone do anything special each of the 12 Days of Christmas to keep the Season going?  Now that we've got Advent down pretty well I'd like to do something for Christmas.  At this point all we do is say "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" while we light the white Christmas candle at meals and continue to play with the Melissa&Doug nativity set the kids have.  We need some more ideas, me thinks!

making peace with attachment parenting

Before I was a mom I was pretty confident that I would be an ap (attachment parenting) mom.  My babies would be in slings, I wouldn't have a nap schedule, we'd probably co-sleep, and I'd do "time-ins" instead of "time outs."  All of this builds confidence in children and promotes "peaceful parenting", as ap-ers would explain.

And then I gave birth. 

I quickly learned that my kid did not like slings, wraps, or anything else carrying her that wasn't my two arms.  I also learned that if I didn't schedule my day - including time for a nap - and have everything at roughly the same time every day my kid would not thrive and I would fall apart.  It didn't take long to realize I did not sleep well with my baby in bed with me.  In fact, I don't sleep well with my babies in the same room as me!  And when I am mad at my child the last thing I want is for anyone to talk to me or touch me.  A time out is beneficial for me, probably more so than my kids.

What I learned is that I don't like a lot of physical touch, something that ap seemed to be pretty big on. 

I did not see any of this coming.

For awhile I tried to fight myself, convinced that what the attachment parents were saying was true:  my children would be stupid, hoarding, serial killers if I didn't wear them in slings, co-sleep, homeschool, never force a nap time, never let them cry for more than 2 minutes.

Of course those weren't their exact words but the tone and body language of most ap moms I knew made me feel like a horrible excuse for a parent and a complete failure of a mother because what worked for them and what nature clearly intends for children to need in order to thrive didn't work for me.

See what I mean?  That language, "what nature clearly intends for children to need in order to thrive;" was some exact words - or variations of - and so of course the ap movement made me feel like crap!  I was very, very hurt.  I was struggling in my role of motherhood and I was especially troubled because I thought it would be so easy.  Yet the very way I was told to parent - the way I was told Nature (and therefore GOD) wanted us to parent - was not how I wanted to parent.  It wasn't working for me.  I became angry and resentful towards a lot of those women, especially when they'd post a link to some study on Facebook, citing how moms who let their kids cry for more than 5 minutes are raising damaged monsters. 

Honestly, I think I got hit harder with all of this because I'm part of two groups (natural-family-planning-practicing Catholics and home birthers) that are a lot more ap then other groups I've encountered, in part because of the big emphasis on breastfeeding. 

Trying to do "peaceful parenting" made me exhausted and worn thin.  So much so that when things didn't go well I would scream my head off, punch the walls, and curse at my kids.  When I tried explaining this to ap-ers I was told to do a "time-in" with my kids, hugging them instead of sending them to time out.  They didn't seem to get it.  And my life, home, and parenting was anything but peaceful.

It took me awhile, but I finally figured out what I need to do to parent my kids successfully.  We have a schedule.  Quiet time/nap time happens at about the same time every day.  I will keep my kids up a little bit longer so all three nap at the same time because I need quiet time, too.  I nurse my kids in a chair in the middle of the night - not in bed.  I introduce a bottle fairly early so I can go out and be by myself. 

I'm sure to some I sound like a horrible, monster of a mother.  But I really need to not touch my kids all day long.  I really need a good hour break in the middle of the day when no one talks to me, hugs me, kisses me, sits on my lap or comes close.  Having these breaks allows me to give plenty of physical affection to my children during the rest of the day.  Maybe it's the introvert in me coming out; whatever it is, it's the way I need it to be. 

I am a better mom for it.  Those breaks are my sanity.  Seriously.

In the end it was figuring out what "peaceful parenting" looked like in my home that made me let go of a lot of the hurt I felt towards the attachment parenting people I know.  I also started telling them how their language made me feel belittled and unfairly judged.  I started discussing with them my experiences in parenting.  And suddenly they started apologizing, empathizing, and explaining things in less polarizing ways. 

Of course there may have been a few fights I picked on Facebook along the way, but I'm pretty embarrassed about those now that my anger is gone.  If you were on the receiving end of my pettiness, I'm sorry!

I do not consider myself a "peaceful parent" - not in the way the attachment parenting movement would explain it.  But I would consider myself a good mom, and so would m thriving, happy, healthy kids.  And that's what matters. 

family planning

My friend Alisha has a great post about her feelings on having St. Gerard - patron saint of pregnant women - as her assigned patron saint for the year.  (You can have a patron saint assigned to you, too, courtesy Jen at Conversion Diary.  Check out the Saint's Name Generator.)

Reading Alisha's post reminded me of this story from my past and a new twist it has now taken.

The first seven months of L's life were very, very tough on me.  I wasn't sure if I was cut out for motherhood but I knew I didn't want any more children.  I knew that the dislike of my vocation wasn't how things were supposed to be, and I also knew that my wanting to keep God out of my bedroom was not okay.  But I also felt like an angry, exhausted failure.  So I found my way to confession with my spiritual director, telling him that I didn't feel very pro life. He asked me, "If you found out you were pregnant today, what would you say?"

"Oh shit!" was my answer.  (just keepin' it real in the confessional)

Ben was born about eight months later.


I have often joked that when I became pregnant with Ben we were recklessly having sex, but now I see it differently.  Totally unintentionally, we were letting God plan our family.  At times it seemed irresponsible or overwhelming to have L and Ben so close together because of how hard mothering L had been for me.  But now that I see my boys interact I know God wanted JF to have Ben as a big brother.  Those two boys love each other and light up when they see each other.  Travis and I are confident that Ben will help JF developmentally as much as all the doctors, specialists, therapists and tests.

God was setting the table for JF at Ben's conception, even before the world began.

(Alisha, this is not to say that I think you're supposed to become pregnant!  I'll leave that decision up to you, Jude and God.)

PS - I've heard women refer to babies such as Ben as "oh what the hell babies."  As in they knew there was a chance they'd get pregnant if they were intimate but they said, "Oh what the hell!" and got busy.

I had to give myself an NFP pep talk

**Just to warn you, this post may contain too much information.  Especially if you're my grandparent, or cousin, or acquaintance from church, or one of my husband's students.  There is the potential for both of us to be very embarrassed if you read this.  However, if you're a good friend or stranger I really don't care - read on!**

When it comes to outsiders, it seems that AC's and granola-y people respect Travis and my decision to practice NFP best.  It shows a deep trust in God and a basic belief that children are blessings (which the Apostolic Christians appreciate) and it's totally green, especially since in my 4.5 years of charting I'm only on my second booklet of charts (which the earthy people like).

And then there's the others like me, a bunch of orthodox Catholics (perhaps you think of us as fanatics).  Get a group of ten of us together and five will be pregnant, three will have newborns, and the other two will be trying to conceive.  Basically that's a true statement.

We practice NFP because we know that God can be trusted, and children are blessings, and it builds our marriages.  But sometimes the only reason we're practicing it is because the Church tells us to do so.  I mean, when you're going on three months of questionable signs and no thermal shift, which are following months eight and nine of pregnancy number three in two and a half years, well the only reason you're practicing NFP is because the Church tells you to do so.

And to do something because the Church says so is not a bad reason.  Sometimes our emotions get the better of us, logic goes out the window, and we have to have some one or thing to tell us what's right and what's wrong.  It's especially nice if that something happens to have two thousand years of the best theologians, philosophers, scholars, saints, and Christ Himself.  (This was reaffirmed time and again in the NICU.)

Please understand, I am glad we use NFP, and even though it can be very, very hard at times, it does have its perks.  Like L, Ben, and JF.  And making out.  Because when you can't "go all the way" you can at least make out.  And making out is a lot of fun.  Kissing is fun.  And it's a lot less messy than "it", morning sickness, giving birth, poopy diapers, laundry, spit up, food thrown on the floor, toys scattered everywhere, crayons on the wall...

If you want to read some other thoughts on NFP, I encourage you to check out It's Time to Talk Honestly About Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher.

to teach or not to teach

Travis and I just submitted the application to be NFP teachers for the Couple to Couple League in our Diocese. We're not 100% sure we're going to do it; I for one want to spend more time praying about it.

Reasons we should do it:
- there is a need in our Diocese for more teachers.
- we are firm believers in the goodness of NFP.
- to teach something you really need to know it, and we're excited to further study the theology and science behind natural family planning.
- we feel like we have some good experience; we used NFP to successfully delay and achieve pregnancy and we learned the valuable lesson that when you don't chart you get pregnant.
- it saddens us that our parishes are full of couples who contracept often times because they don't understand what NFP truly is nor the Church's teachings. If we can help change that we will.

Reasons we shouldn't do it:
- God has other things He wants us to do with our time.

Family Size

I recently had a conversation with a Catholic, NFPing mom. She and her husband are former NFP teachers and have 6 sons, so she had a wealth of knowledge to share with me.

I asked her to speak with me because while Travis and I understand how to implement the science side of NFP, the spiritual side has been more of a challenge, at least for me.

Throughout our conversation she shared what discernment looked like for her and her husband along with several chunks of wisdom. The statement that resonated the loudest and longest with me was that deciding to have another child is much bigger than if Travis and I want another one. We have to consider the child we could conceive and his heritage. So then to conceive or not to conceive grows from being a decision for one point in time for two people, to a decision for eternity and generations. Instead of putting more weight on my shoulders, this comment made me recognize the honor and importance of creating new life.

I'm so glad she was willing to share with me. While I still have a lot of study, prayer and growth that I need to do in this area, I feel like I now have a much more realistic understanding of what God and Church expect from me. And to that I say, "whew..."

Natural Family Planning

Maiasura asked the following question on the Poll post:


I know this is a catholic thing and that I don't need to understand. It's probably none of my business, but I'm really confused by this. If the church advocates this NFP system, why do you feel guilty about having a "contraceptive mindset"? Doesn't the name of the system imply that you are meant to use it to plan your family? I don't understand why the system is in place at all if you aren't supposed to have a "contraceptive mindset." Why not just ignore all your biological signs, go about your business, and have babies as they come? If the church says NFP is okay, why do you feel conflicted about planning your family? Feel free to ignore this inquiry. Again, I know I don't need to grasp this. I guess I'm just curious.

It's a good question and deserving of an answer. I'm going to borrow very heavily from Christopher West, a Catholic theologian who basically takes John Paul the Great's Theology of the Body and writes the "For Dummies" version. He states:

Pope Paul VI stated clearly that those are considered “to exercise responsible parenthood who prudently and generously decide to have a large family, or who, for serious reasons and with due respect to the moral law, choose to have no more children for the time being or even for an indeterminate period” (HV 10). Notice that large families should result from prudent reflection, not “chance.” Notice too that couples must have “serious reasons” to avoid pregnancy and must respect the moral law.


...The Church has always recognized that the only method of “birth control” that respects the language of divine love is “self-control.”


...Contraception, by definition, is the choice to engage in an act of intercourse, but then do something else to render it sterile...


Couples who use natural family planning (NFP) when they have a just reason to avoid pregnancy never render their sexual acts sterile; they never contracept...


To some people this seems like splitting hairs. “What’s the big difference,” they ask, “between rendering the union sterile yourself and just waiting until it’s naturally infertile? The end result is the same: both couples avoid children.” To which I respond, what’s the big difference between killing Grandma and just waiting until she dies naturally? End result’s the same thing: dead Grandma. Yes, but one is a serious sin called murder, and the other is an act of God.


So hopefully that will explain the Catholic perspective of NFP a little better.




And now to the "contraceptive mentality" bit. Some people have a very good reason to not get pregnant and to use NFP to not do so. For example, after I miscarried I was told to wait a few cycles before we tried again. We wanted to get pregnant but we also knew that for my health and for the health of the next baby we should wait. So we were "open to life" and would have rejoiced at a pregnancy, but we felt like it was very important to wait. You can also have good reasons involving money, housing, schooling, health, depression, etc. In these circumstances you are not wanting the act to be sterile - you are not trying to change sex.


But - and this is where my struggle comes in - to engage in the marital act and to not be open to life, to not want there to be any chance of a baby, this is having a "contraceptive mentality." This is the line I have to discern every time Travis and I consummate our marriage.

Maybe I've just muddied the water even more. You can read the entire Christopher West article here. Also, if my fellow Catholics feel I got it wrong, please correct me! I would love to be shown the Truth!

Poll

So, I've been thinking a lot about NFP (Natural Family Planning) lately and I've realized that I do this thing where I assume everyone who is Catholic and under the age of 30 practices NFP. It can be a struggle for me to not have a contraceptive mentality at times, and so I'm wondering if I'm alone or not. I put a little poll on the side of this blog and I would appreciate it if you would take a minute to answer.

Please select all that apply when you're voting.

Thanks.