Kids are Great! and No Sex for Months Part II

In case you missed the announcement I am pregnant for the sixth time.

6!

We've gotten a few reactions:

- How did you keep it a secret for so long?!
(Sadly, it's easy when you're already 45lbs overweight.)
- Why did you keep it secret for so long?
 (Well, come July Travis wanted to just show up with a baby, so this is early according to the original plan.)
- Wow... five kids... wow....
(You fail.  But you also perfectly explain why we kept it a secret for so long.)
- Ahhhh!  Congratulations!  That is so great!
(Thank you.  Really, thank you.)

In a way, I don't blame the people who can only say "wow".  Even for Travis and me this pregnancy is a bit of a mixed bag of emotions.

There's plenty of good emotions.  For starters, have you seen my other kids?  Travis and I make cute kids and so there is no doubt that this baby is going to rock the awesomely adorable just like her* big brothers and sisters.

See?  Super cute kids.

Also, we always thought 5 sounded like a good number of kids.  Five kids, a family of 7 - that would be fun if we could get it.

And we like our kids.  We like having kids.  Sure, by the end of the day we are ready for them to all be tucked into bed and fast asleep but our lives have been made richer by each of our children.  We may not be able to do much traveling or pay for college or have phones with data plans, but we have been given much life and that seems to be a fair trade in our eyes.

But then there's the rest of the bag to deal with. 

I think most people aren't happy for us because they know that we are already struggling financially, but that's not the part that worries us so much. Save winning the lottery we will never be rich, or even upper middle class, but that's never been our goal.  And we are already working towards our actual goal of being comfortable enough.

Our real struggles are with natural family planning, getting enough sleep, and me not walking around screaming at the kids all the time. 

We are so tired.  With teaching, coaching, grading, and giving extra attention to kids who just cannot write a chemical formula Travis is working at least 10 hours a day and gone for almost 12.  He gets up with JF, I get up with Resa, we both get up with L and Ben.  I'm pregnant and irritable and the kids and I walk around as perfect examples for why people only want 1 or 2 kids.

And, while I will hopefully not be pregnant for the next five years (pleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod) we will have babies and toddlers and little kids who do not sleep through the night for the next five years.  Just thinking about it makes me so tired I want to take a nap.  Who has energy to type?!

Then there is the irritability.  I have never had pms moodiness but I pretty much have it for all 9 months of the pregnancy and 6-10 weeks post partum.  The fuse for my temper is this (.) short and even shorter if I don't have enough sleep.  And, well, you already read the previous two paragraphs so you know it's pretty short.  Fortunately I'm almost half way to birth so the crankiness will end sooner than the sleepless nights.  Just not soon enough for my poor kids.

And then there's NFP.  

(And here's a Potential TMI warning.  Don't want to read about sex and peeing and mucus?  Then stop reading.  Also, there be swear words.)

I've talked about this before, but for me and my husband post partum nfp is a Josephite marriage.  We have tried CCL's sympto-thermal method.  We have tried to incorporate Creighton teachings into how I observe signs.  We have kept our babies exclusively on breastmilk for as long as possible.  And doing those things has just ended up with me pregnant. All six of my pregnancies may have been planned by God but only half were planned by Travis and me.

After this baby is born we will try the Marquette Method but we will also be abstaining for a very, very long time.  Long term abstinence is why we didn't get pregnant after JF until we felt called by God to do so.  Trying to chart without a period is why I'm pregnant now.

Right now the only reason we're using nfp is because we have to.  The Church tells us it's good; I believe the Church is right on such matters and so even if I don't understand or agree for the moment I bow to Her authority.  But mostly I lie in bed praying to God, "You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped!" (Jer 20:10)

I feel embarrassed to be pregnant but I hate feeling that way.  Why should I be ashamed of being in a solid, awesome, enjoyable marriage?!  But I look at my belly and my shopping cart so loaded with kids there's barely room for the groceries and I feel like a rabbit, a breeder, some stupid woman who can't tell the difference between mucus and semen and whatever the hell else there is coming out post partum.

I want to smack women who boast about using nursing to space their children.  I want to smack women who have easily and perfectly spaced their kids every 2-3 years.  I want to smack women who tell me I need to neatly fold my toilet paper and wipe before and after I pee, carefully checking the mucus both times.  I've had 4 big babies in 4 years - I'm lucky I don't pee on the toilet seat half the time!  Kegals my ass - I don't have time to neatly fold the toilet paper, let alone wipe before I pee!  And I definitely don't have time to lock the door to keep the kids out so I can scientifically observe how opaque my mucus is - when I have to pee I have to pee RIGHT NOW and usually the door is left wide open as I dash to lift the lid in time.

I'm sure there are women with infertility struggles who want to smack me, who want to shake me, who are yelling in their head that they would gladly trade places with me.  And honestly, at this point, I would love to give away my fertility to one of you.  I know infertile couples shoulder a brutal, aching cross but sometimes I don't think it's that different than the cross of the super fertile.

I know God has blessed us with these children and with our fertility - and I in no way regret any of my kids - but anymore the fertility is only a cross and it's one I'm tired of carrying.  Probably the day will come when I will regret typing those words, when I will long to once again feel a baby moving in my womb.  But right now I just want to crawl under a rock and take a very long nap.

And when I wake up I want to have had experienced a trauma-less delivery, have all my kids sleeping through the night, have cycles to chart, and have lost 50lbs.  That's not too much to ask for, right?


*Yes I think I'm pregnant with a girl. And I've been right on the gender of all my other kids so I'm just gonna go ahead and refer to this baby as a girl.

What I Wore Sunday

These are actually pictures from last Sunday.  This Sunday I wore a different dress (this one brown with small white polka dots) and a different cardigan (this one royal blue).  Same boots. 

Anyways, last Sunday I attended a Mass at the Cathedral because my very good friend was being awarded a Diocesan award for all her outstanding work. 

 So Katie, the award-winner, wore a super cute dress with super cute heels, and a nice, sensible cardigan.  She also wore her Pere Marquette Award, because she's awesome.

I wore a maternity dress because I'm fat and it fits, a cami, and a brown cardigan.  And some boots.  Love the boots. 

Dress: Target, like 3 years ago
Cami: Target
Boots: Christmas gift
Cardigan: hand-me-down
40 extra pounds: L and Ben's pregnancies

Thanks to Fine Linen and Purple for hosting!

What I Wore Sunday

This is my first time participating in the What I Wore Sunday link-up.  I was going to do it last week because I was wearing this fantastic blue dress and I thought I looked fantastic.  And then two different women asked about my pregnancy.  er, um, just fat, thanks.  So no pictures were taken and that dress will move to the back of the closet.

But this week no one asked about upcoming due dates and so I thought I'd go ahead and join the fun.  On this warm but very blustery day I wore:

An old black dress.  I think I bought it at Target while in college.  It's super duper comfortable - I will probably sleep in it tonight.

And old red cardigan.  It was a Christmas present from back when I was thin and so is now way too small.  Whatever, I still wear it.

Grey maternity tank from Target.  Very stretchy so it's perfect for nursing and modesty purposes.

Sock bun.

I swear my hair is thinning in the front.  Do you see all those bald spot looking areas?  Eeek!

Sparkly shoes from Target.  Got them there last spring.  Love, love, love them.

Red lipstick and old, cheap hoop earrings.  

Head back to Fine Linen and Purple for more fun!

I just want to binge eat all day long

So the title pretty much says it all, folks.  Except I think that when you binge eat all day long it stops being binge eating, moves past pig-ish, and goes straight to disgusting.

This is not to say that what I do is binge eat all day long.  It's just what I want to do. 

Let me blabber on a little bit more.

I am not super, duper, disgustingly fat.  But I'm still, what I consider to be, embarrassingly fat.  Since giving birth to Resa, after all the sweating and peeing, my weight is 19 lbs lighter than when I became pregnant with her.  So that's good.  But I still have a kabillion pounds to go.  Or, like 40ish, which pretty much feels like kabillion.

You can go ahead and tell me this.

I try to stay positive and look at it like this: 
- I've lost Resa.
- I've lost JF.
- I've lost the NICU.

Those things are great!  Eh... but Ben's and L's pregnancies were the worst and, I'll just say this, I really want to be under 200lbs again.  Like squarely, perfectly, if I overeat one day I won't go back over 200, under 200lbs again.  Like 195.  That's my first goal, which I haven't met yet.  Because while I don't binge eat all day, I do still binge eat.

Even though I've already told you this next part, don't stop me because I'm going to finish it off by telling you something I might not have shared before.

In college I lost 50lbs.  How fat I am now, that's how fat I was in high school and my first two years of college.  And then May after my sophomore year I decided I couldn't take it any more and I started to run and eat better.  I worked my way up to 3 miles - they were slow and rare but they were mine - I could do them!  And I looked good.  My weight would flux a little on each side of 155 and I looked good.  In fact, a lot of people thought I was lying when they'd hear how much I weighed because I didn't look like a woman who weighed 155.

But, the thing is, I didn't just use diet and exercise to lose that weight.  Because I still kept binge eating and you can't drop 50 lbs in 5 months that way.  So I adopted the purging part.  Yes, I could eat two pieces of cake, go throw it up, and still lose weight.  In a lot of ways it was perfect.  Puking never bothered me when I was sick and so I didn't mind doing it to wear a size M for once in my life.  I didn't do it every day, maybe 3 or 4 times a week.  Just enough.

For a long time it was a secret I could keep but college life meant other people heard me puke.  The truth slowly came out to a small group of people, but I just kept doing it so I could maintain my ideal weight.  A bunch of other things happened my senior year that brought a lot of stress and anxiety to my life.  Panic attacks and purging were happening a lot and I zeroed in on my weight as a way to make myself have a sense of control and calm.  But the day I walked briskly across campus thinking only about how thin my thighs could be, ignoring everything else around me, that was the day I decided I needed to stop.  I went to confession, asked my friends to keep me accountable, and stopped.

And so just like I had turned it on I turned it off.  Over the years I would be tempted to do it again.  I'd binge  eat something - usually because of stress - and then stare into the toilet.  Sometimes I gave in to the temptation, usually not.

And then I had a baby girl and I never, ever wanted her to ever learn to hate how she looked so much that she'd do anything it took to feel beautiful.  I never wanted her to learn to binge and purge like me.  I wanted - want - her and her sister to know that they is gorgeous on so many levels, perfect and lovely and beautiful.

My daughters will never hear me vomit my cake into a toilet.  Never.

I just wish I could control my stress eating, my emotional eating, my binge eating.  I'm working on it.

Pardon my French.

So I don't know why I've wanted to write about all this.  I guess because I think about my weight all the time and I want to continue to lose it.  But sometimes I don't do anything about it because I'm afraid of getting caught up in it again.  I'm afraid of giving in to the thoughts to "just throw it up" - thoughts I still have almost every day.  Every day, people, even after almost 8 years.

Maybe in the end this is me sharing my demon hoping you'll pray for me or encourage me or just be really nice to me.

some quick takes on a Monday

1 - So the BIG, super duper exciting news (which you've probably already heard) is that the Sheen Foundation will be submitting JF's story as the official alleged miracle for Venerable Sheen's beatification.  So a group of experts (doctors and theologians) will review the alleged miracle.  If they can't find any holes in the case they will send it up to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints.  Once that group of Bishops and Cardinals review it they will (hopefully) approve it and send it up to the Pope.  Pope Benedict will then read about my homebirth, JF's baptism, the trip to the ER, his coming back to life, and all our prayers.  And then he will maybe approve the alleged miracle as a true miracle.  Talk about surreal!

2 - The picture above is from the Chicago Tribune (It was taken by a wonderful freelance photographer named Ben.  Ben hung out at our house for a few hours the other day and true to his word, the stains in my carpet cannot be seen in the picture.) 

You can read the Tribune's article about Sheen and JF here.  You can read the article in the New York Times here.  In our opinion the Tribune's article is better.  They summarize much more accurately what happened to JF and they don't make me sound like a single mother.

3 - When I read the Times article for the second time I noticed two things:  They don't mention Travis and they refer to me as Ms. Engstrom.  I HATE being called "Ms."  In my (perhaps small and judgemental little) mind that title is appropriate for divorcees and unmarried feminists.  I am neither, and I want my husband to be recognized even if it is through my title of "Mrs."  Being Mrs. Engstrom doesn't make me feel old - it is a title that shows respect for me and my marriage.  End rant.

4 - Jennifer Fulwiler wrote a good piece on Gotye's song Somebody That I Used to Know over at the Register.  She mentions my post, "The wait was well worth it" - which is awesome.  Simcha and Jen, two giants of the Catholic blogosphere, giving me love at the Register. 

5 - Let's go back to that picture for a moment.  JF looks awesome.  I look fat, which I am and I knew that, but it was sad for me to see how bad I really look.  At 6 weeks post partum I weigh 13lbs less than what I weighed when I became pregnant with Resa and I'm almost half way to reaching my first goal.  That's a really big deal and I need to be proud of myself about that... but it was still pretty demoralizing to see the picture.  Losing weight is hard - made even more so by my love of sugar and my desire to not effect my milk supply.  So... I don't know... cheer me on in the comment box or something.  Thanks.

6 -  And this is funny:

7 quick takes

1 - I haven't really felt like my marriage is "dancing in minefields" but I like the analogy nonetheless.  I think this song is beautiful.

2 - Speaking of marriage - in the five years that I've been hitched to Travis we have both gained a lot of weight.  I won't tell you how much but my awesome cooking and four babies in four years have not been good for our waistlines.  We are finally doing something about it.  Travis bought the Insanity videos and I started Weight Watchers.  I feel stupid even mentioning it but I'm sincerely hoping that by next summer I will look a lot more like this:

Yes, I want to be thin again.  With naturally curly hair again.  Eating a Belgian waffle in Belgium again.

3 - Did you hear the good news about Hallie and Dan Lord?  Dan, whom you may know as Mr. Betty Beguiles, has been named the new editor for Catholic Exchange!  Congratulations are definitely in order, so CONGRATULATIONS!  Bloggers I love such as Patrick Madrid, House Unseen's Dwija, and Clan Donaldson's Cari write at Catholic Exchange, which features all kinds of great content.  I'm super excited for Dan and his family.

Also, right now Catholic Exchange is in the midst of their summer fundraising.  Why not drop by and donate a little bit of money to make sure this great site is able to keep up the good work?

4 - Here is an example of why I do not do ecological breastfeeding:  Last night Resa slept from 9:30pm until 7:30am.  That means I got to sleep through the night, too.  THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

5 - Today I will get my hair cut.  And I want my bangs to look like this:

I don't know if this will work on me because of my longer hair but I'm liking the short bang look.  Here's hoping it looks cute!

6 - I am super excited to say that this July my friend Sr. MN will be professing final vows with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia, aka the Nashville Dominicans.  Sister was my best friend in college and it was a lot of fun to watch her revert to her Catholic faith, fall in love with Christ, discern religious life, and have to learn how to sew.  (She was horrible at sewing but every nun needs to know how to do it I guess.  It's a habit thing, I think.)  I have been a horrible pen pal with her, and each child makes me even worse, but I love her and have such wonderful memories of eating ice cream, singing along to Keith Urban's Blue Jean Song, and watching her play laser tag. 

We're not sure if the whole family can go or not.  I really want her to meet my kids but a seven hour drive and a night in a hotel room followed by good behavior at a long Mass sounds like a disaster for my family of six.  There's also the fact that we really can't afford to pay for any of this.  I tried thinking of ways to raise money for it.  I could bake pies, do a garage sale, clean people's homes, or be really tacky and ask for cash for my birthday.  I could probably whip together a yard sale, right?  And sell some fruit pies at the sale? 

Or we could win the lottery.

7 - Our 12 year old neighbor boy was visiting while the kids and I were playing outside yesterday.  He looked at Resa and said, "I think she looks like you."

"Oh yeah?  Thanks."

"Yeah; you have the same red dots on your face."

Awesome.  My precious daughter and I look alike because we both have acne.

Here's hoping everyone has a great weekend!  Head over to Jen's for more Quick Takes! 

Let's all drink a beer.  It's only 5 points. ;)

7 quick takes

1 - JJ Heller, I will see you and Audrey Assad tonight! And you told me you'd sing My Savior's Love Endures for me!  And maybe you'll sing this song, too, which would be very appropriate since it's the Season of Easter and all.  Just sayin'...

2 - I am so excited about this concert.  Some friends and I are going to dinner first.  I will eat fried chicken and watch them drink beer.  I'm not excited about that - I'd like to drink beer, too.  mmm...beer...

3 - Wednesday I officially became 9 months pregnant.  36 weeks have come and gone so quickly.  Jiminy!  At my appointment with the midwife yesterday I learned that I actually do not have gestational diabetes (my bad, I misunderstood) so I feel a lot less guilty about all those Moolattes I've been drinking lately.  I also learned that the little girl in my womb's legs are measuring 40 weeks and the sonographer was guessing for a 9lb 7oz baby.  (I asked for her guess.)

4 - Everything is so different with a hospital birth verses a home birth.  Here's the list of things I can think to bring to the hospital, now tell me what I'm missing:
-change of clothes for pp
-clothes to wear home
-clothes for Baby Girl to wear home
-Baby Girl's blankie, in case it's cool.
-infant car seat
-lap top
-camera
-shampoo and conditioner
-toothbrush, deodorant, brush, make-up, etc.
-whatever stuff Travis wants to bring - he's on his own.

How's that for a list?  I'm really sad I won't have a birthday cake this year.  I haven't even thought about what I would pick.  Maybe angel food cake with berries and ice cream?  Smelling the cake bake while I labored was always one of my favorite things. 

5 - In happier news Travis told me a few nights ago that he thinks I look thinner.  By the end of the day my feet, face, and hands may be slightly bloated but my back fat is going away.  I have not been dieting during this pregnancy (remember the thing about the Moolattes?) but it has been my goal to weigh less post partum with Baby Girl than I did when I began the pregnancy.  I'm so tired of being fat.

6- Which is not to say I want to look anything like this.  I don't get the fitness inspiration boards on Pinterest.  I would probably feel just as unattractive lookin like that lady as I do now.  Her body is like a teenage boy's but with boobs.  Am I being mean?  Maybe.  I just like soft a curvy.  So does my husband, so that's good.

7-  On that note, I think I'm going to bake the best chocolate chips cookies ever.  Ever.

7 quick takes

1- I know that They Might Be Giants is not everyone's cup of tea.  But an accordion + clever lyrics = my cup of tea. 

2 - The reason Birdhouse in Your Soul is in my head is because of my latest post at Virtuous Planet, Virgin Mary Nitelite.  I pretty much always associate nitelites with TMBG's song.  I'm sure I'm not the only one!  Also, if you need a good reason to read the post you may be interested in how I pretty much call a bunch of people snobs.  I hope no one takes it personally.

3 - Hey!  Exciting new!  Kate Wicker is coming to the Behold Conference as one of our keynote speakers!  I was able to speak with her on the phone today and she was just wonderful.  (Of course all three of my kids woke up from their naps during the conversation, and while I was trying to speak with her and sound intelligent I was holding JF and trying to keep him quiet and happy.  But she's gracious enough to overlook that.)  Anyways, it's going to be a fabulous conference and I hope you can join us on Saturday, March 10, 2012 at the East Peoria Embassy Suites.

4 - Tomorrow morning we have family pictures with Travis' siblings and parents.  It'll be really nice having a new family pic since we haven't had any since L was a baby.  I also look forward to some really cute pics of the kids.  I'm not too thrilled about having my fat self photographed, but maybe I can stand behind Trav or always hold JF.  Maybe.

5 - I am half way through the 5th season of Lost.  I am taking suggestions for a new show to watch.

6 - I have a daughter who wants to be held.  I need to go.

7 - Have a good weekend, everyone!  God's blessing be upon you!

7 quick takes

1- Maybe you need to start your day with something awesome.  Well here ya go.

2 - I have started to exercise.  About 4 times a week I ride Trav's bike into the country, hide the bike, and then run/walk a mile.  I'm working my way up to running a mile and I'm over half way there.  A friend kindly said that I am cross training, but really I'm going into the country because I'm too embarrassed to run in front of my neighbors. 

3 - The benefits of exercise are amazing and have been instantaneous for me.  I am waaaaaay less stressed, partly because exercise is a stress reliever, but also because for 30 minutes each day no one is touching me or talking to me.  Being less stressed means I am eating less - I always binge when I'm stressed - which has helped me lose 4lbs since I started running about 10 days ago.  I also have a lot more patience now.  The kids and I are enjoying one another a lot more and I am parenting the way I want when things get messy or loud or frustrating. 

4 - One of the best parts of the this whole exercising thing is that Travis is the main instigator behind it.  He has made it as much of a priority as I have (maybe even more now that I'm cheerier!) and he happily helps with dinner and kicks me out of the house sends me on my way each evening. 

5 - My goals in all this are to be healthy, enjoy my life more, feel confident in how I look, look good for my husband.  I kinda want to look like this again:

oh yeah.  shake it.

6 - On to things that have little to do with me...  World Youth Day is going on, people!  How awesome!  My beloved Sisters of Life are in Madrid once again hosting the Love & Life Centre for English speaking pilgrims.  And my dear friend, Sr. Mariam Caritas - the Beth I mentioned here, is there as well.  The sisters are blogging and you can read their words and reflections here.

7 - In honor of World Youth Day I'd like to give a little shout out to my little group of pilgrims from WYD Cologne!  Thank you for sharing that experience with me!  You and that pilgrimage are such blessings in my life!  May the peace of Christ be with you still and may His love and strength sustain you!

Pilgrims in Rome before heading to WYD in Germany.

7 quick takes

1 - I made caramel popcorn balls last night.  They are now gone.  I ate all but two of them.  It should probably be the last time I ever make caramel anything.  So good.

2 - Please don't ask me to remember anything right now.  My mind (and calendar) are so full it's hard for me to retain any information. 

3 - Let's look at cute pictures of my kids, shall we?

JF, posing for this birthday party invite picture.

L, helping make brinner.  She knows she's cute.

Ben, in love.

JF taking a break from crawling.  The red mark on his belly is all that's left of his g tube.

My boys, plus L's monkey.  She walks around in a circle with it and declares they are married.

words to eat by

Mark Bittman was on The Today Show awhile ago and he said something that I will never forget:

"No one's ever gotten fat from eating vegetables."

I have adopted this attitude as I fill my plate.  Little bit of meat, little bit of bread, and heaps of veggies.  Seconds on the main dish may come but first I make myself eat more vegetables.  I will finish the green beans.  I will snack off leftover salad.  I will eat the carrots off my children's plates. 

I love to eat but I hate being fat.  And right now I'm really fat.  So while I try to lose weight by cutting back sugar, non-water beverages, and starches I will eat all the asparagus and broccoli that I want.  Thank you very much.

football and the perfect wife

When Travis married me I was thin and pretty and hated football.

Four years later I'm fat but love the sport. 

Yesterday, as we sadly watched the Bears lose, I wore Hester's jersey, encouraged L to change "Go Bears Go!", and dressed all three of my kids in their jerseys.  I watched the pregame - I love that Terry Bradshaw! - as I ate lil smokies.

I was so excited for a Super Bowl with the Bears beating the Steelers.  (I even know who the Steelers are.  And what town their from.  In fact, I can match most teams with their towns.  This is huge for me.)

Now, if I could only lose all the weight I've gained through my pregnancies and NICU, I'll be the perfect wife: a baker, a good cook, keeps a tidy house, thin, hot, likes football.

7 quick takes Friday

The Christmas Vacation Recap

-1-

Our Christmas was lovely and picturesque, filled with cookies, cocoa, carols, and the Christ Child.

Except that Travis was sick with bronchitis and L had the croup.  And it was just two days ago that I remembered to put Baby Jesus in the stable.  And L and I finished out Jesse Tree last night.  And we had to watch Santa Claus is Coming to Town a kabillion times. 

-2-

I think that movie (Santa Claus is Coming to Town) might need to be lost for a looooong time.  When it comes to the propagation of the myth of Santa Claus, well that movie is a class one offender, and the song that Jessica sings is SO annoying!  We can keep Frosty the Snowman, but I think we're going to need to buy some better Advent/Christmas movies.  I'm thinking the Veggie Tales St. Nick movie and a few CCC movies. 

-3-

JF has had two cookie swallows in the last week.  The few swallows he had looked good - no aspirations - but mostly he refused to take the bottle.  The feeding therapist says we will continue with his thickened feedings and do another cookie swallow at six months when we introduce him to spoon feedings.

-4-

JF also had a follow up appointment with the developmental pediatrician.  We have been warned by everyone and their brother that Dr. M is very pessimistic, Mr. Gloom and Doom.  So the fact that he was fairly positive with us makes us feel pretty good.  His thoughts on JF:

- very tight hamstrings (PT gave us stretches.)

- reflexes / reactions are "brisk" and maybe too big (this might be "his brain still settling down")

- he moves around a lot (we don't necessarily agree with this, but he thinks it's "just him, ADD showing itself now, or his discomfort from his eczema")

- the MRI looked very good, but we don't know what the brain looks like deep down - what connections are made or not made, how the nerves are linked, etc.

- his eczema and cradle cap are horrible, the worst Dr. M's ever seen maybe (we've been battling those things for awhile and had just gotten a stronger prescription from our family doctor, which seems to be working really well)

-5-

Travis and I celebrated our Fourth Wedding Anniversary on December 30th.  (Yay us!)  And to celebrate we went to a cabin that a friend of ours owns on some old farm land by the Illinois River.  It was so great!  We went four wheeling and got stuck in the creek.  Watching my husband get us unstuck made me so glad I married a manly man.  :)  He made us a yummy shrimp pasta dinner while I baked chocolate chip cookies.  We watched The Town in front of the fire and then hit the hay. 

-6-

JF was "conditionally baptized" last Sunday during Mass.  It was beautiful and over 60 friends and family joined us to celebrate JF' life and the Sacrament.  After the Baptism our priest raised JF up to show him to the congregation.  While everyone smiled and clapped, JF waved.  It was so cute.

-7-

Pictures from the Baptism have made me realized that it is time for me to loose weight.  I am the fattest I've ever been in my life and I hate it.  I made a list of the top five reasons to loose weight.  Here goes:

#5 - I'm pre-diabetic.

#4 - My family has a history of heart problems.

#3 - My children deserve to have a healthy mom.

#2 - My husband is a keeper and I need to keep him.

#1 - When God fashioned me He did not intend for me to weigh this much.   He wants me to be healthy and beautiful, able to enjoy life fully.  That's not possible when I'm obese.

Wish me luck, folks.  It's gonna be a bumpy ride!



7 quick takes

1.  It's 4:40am and I've been up for a little while.  That kinda sucks.  Also, I should be working on something else, if I'm gonna be working on anything, but I'd much rather eat Frosted Flakes and type this.

2.  I'm in the midst of Operation Dry Up, but someone hasn't told my milk ducts.  The only way I know to dry up is by getting pregnant and that's not gonna happen right now (mental note:  begin charting).  I am still pumping because I don't want mastitis, but I am not emptying the breasts.  I was hoping to notice a drop in output after 3 or so days but no luck.

3.  The reason for Operation Dry Up?  JF will be coming home very soon and I don't think there's any way I can pump and take care of all the kids and not go crazy.  And I'm not being flippant about the crazy part.  I remember post partum with L and so I know it's within my realm to have a very, very ugly, difficult time adjusting.  Taking one thing off my plate, even something as good as breastmilk is simply the right thing to do.

4.  Ben had an appointment with an allergist earlier this week.  As was suspected, he is allergic to dairy, eggs, peanuts, dogs, and cats.  The good news:  his allergy to dairy and eggs manifests itself only in itchy rashes and dry skin so there's a chance he may outgrow those.  Yay for ice cream and French toast!  The bad news:  his peanut allergy is more severe and so we should begin reading labels and removing all peanut-y things from his diet.  More bad news:  the dog and cat thing he may also outgrow but it often morphs into seasonal allergies, pollens, trees, etc.  He is also more likely to develop asthma.  Because of this my in laws will have to do some major pet hair removal before his arrivals and my dad will have to quit smoking forever.  Okay, so the quit smoking thing is really good for everyone, but it'll be hard for Dad.  And really, he wouldn't have to quit, but we're going to use Ben's condition as another reason why he has to.  But don't tell him that!

5.  A lot of friends have been bringing us meals.  I just want to thank you for doing that.  It's soooo nice to not have to budget meal prep into my days.  It leaves more time for kids, which is something I really need right now (so do they!).  It's also wonderful - and I mean really, really wonderful - to not have to exert the mental energy for meal planning and grocery shopping.  And, of course, it's also nice to get to eat really good dinners every night.  :)

6.  Today JF gets an upper gi test to see if he has acid reflux.  If he does they will do some stomach surgery to correct it while they put in his feeding tube.  (I encourage you to google "g tube" to see what it looks like.)  So yes, JF is getting a feeding tube.  Basically he is having problems nippling his entire feedings and is still at risk for aspirating.  I have a very strong feeling that he will improve with these things when he's home, being fed by the same 2-4 people, not on a feeding schedule, not interrupted from his sleep for various reasons.  However, I also know we will be using the g tube to make sure he's getting all the calories he needs, especially as he continues to heal and get stronger.  I am not as scared or sad about the g tube as I once was, though I do pray for healing of JF's brain and throat so he will eat safely and normally.

7.  Yesterday I went shopping for a few new pieces of clothes.  For at least a year I've been wearing hand-me-down jeans from a friend with a different body type than mine.  I finally got a new pair - and from a real department store - not Wal Mart or Target!  I also bought a new pair of black flats since my old flats are now too small for my pregnancy-grown feet.  I looked at shirts, too, but only felt affirmed that if you're large chested and all around fat there's not many choices available unless you want to wear things that are too small or have the same wardrobe as your mother.  Mom's clothes look great on Mom, but they're not my style.  This is why I looked like crap in high school.

fat kid syndrome and a touch of virtue

I have several friends who find it very helpful to use temperaments and Jungian personality types to describe themselves and others.  "That's just my melancholic coming out," they'll say, or, "It's because you're so extroverted."

I agree that there is a great deal of good that can come out of these tools, and it's quite fun to listen to the temperaments and see how well I fit into two of the them and Travis into the other two.  They can be really useful in understanding why people do what they do - especially when it seems so ridiculous to me.

But the downside of them, I think, is how pigeon-holed I can feel when I am labeled by others, like they have me all figured out.  So I thought I'd take this post to fill you all in on a little known fact about me.

I realize that I am bubbly, outgoing, and chatty.  (In fact, I've been known to overwhelm some people with my, ahem, outgoing-ness.)  However, please do not mistake my abilities to be friendly, welcoming, and share my feelings as my being extroverted.  I am, in fact, an introvert.

It's true.  I like things to be quiet.  I don't like talking on the phone.  I'd rather read a book or bake.  Solitary car rides are my favorites (most of the time).  Making small talk can be exhausting for me.  If I'm going to host a party, which I do enjoy doing, I need some alone time - even if it is just cleaning the house - so that I can prepare.  I have to build up the charm and energy to remember names, keep the conversation flowing and make sure no one is left out.  During that energy building time I don't want to talk to anyone.  And then, after leaving a party or mom's group I want silence, often riding in the car with the radio off. 

So, how is it, you may be wondering, that for someone who claims to want so much silence I can be so loud?

Well, I think it's two things.  The first is Fat Kid Syndrome.
Sometime in middle school I became a fat kid.  Fat.  And you know how it goes with fat kids, you either are nice and funny so people like you, or you get made fun of.  I somehow decided that I would be nice and funny and honed my craft through high school and even college.  I did fairly well, too, except for a few times when I had too many plates spinning and things came crashing down.  But I was never teased or mistreated, despite being some 50-60lbs overweight and a little on the ugly side. 

Fat Kids Syndrome came in handy when I lost weight - suddenly I was thin, pretty, nice and funny!  - and when I began a job in campus ministry and then in admissions.  I had fine tuned the skill of "being on" and I could make conversations with the most socially awkward of people. 

The problem with Fat Kid Syndrome is that with it I forced myself to be someone I naturally am not.  And because it was so tiring to keep up appearances I often ran on fumes, frequently feeling like I was one mess away from being - well - a mess.

The further into my vocation I go the further I get away from this.  I have let many friendships fade into the background because of the amount of effort it took me to fit into my role in that relationship.  I have redirected that effort into becoming better friends with a small handful of women around whom I feel more relaxed.  There is no need to impress them, no need to be funny, smart or perfect.  It is absolutely freeing.  I have also learned that I don't have to be liked by everyone (that's a hard lesson - one I'm still working on), nor do I have to be close with everyone.  And lastly, I've learned through the deep, fulfilling love of my husband and children that I can be loved for exactly who I am - and I'm even fat again!

The other reason I am often perceived as an extrovert is because I have made a deliberate attempt at the virtue of hospitality.  It is so important to appreciate people, to acknowledge their God-given dignity, and welcome them as I would Christ.  ("Do you want a rum and coke, Jesus?  Have a cookie!")  I already like to prepare food and have a clean house - I might as well serve that food to others as I welcome them into my home.  But more than that, I can sit by and visit with the person who doesn't seem to know anyone else at a friend's party.  I can introduce her to the other people I know, ask a couple questions, and get the conversations going.  (This is not to say that I'm a hit at every party, or overflowing with graciousness and good times.  Oh, no, no, no, no, no.)

Being hospitable like this has been a challenge for me (as growing in virtue usually is), especially as I committed myself to being genuine and laid back.  If things aren't perfect I can't freak out, stress out, or prophesy doom.  I have to shrug it off, laugh it off, forget about it, or do something else to let go.  This is all very easy to type and very hard to live.  But, it is still immensely easier than putting on a smile and trying to manipulate situations so people will like me.

In the end, I suppose I have come to better understand what St. Paul meant by "being everything to everyone."  I had always thought it meant slightly altering my authentic self to better meet the expectations of others, thus gaining their approval.  I now know it means being Christ to everyone - loving, kind and happy that they're alive - while still being true to who He has fashioned me to be. 

The glory of God is man fully alive.  St. Irenaeus
I came that they might have life, and have it more abundantly.  John 10:10

Wedding season begins for the Engstrom family a week from Saturday. We then have a wedding in May, June, July and September. As much as I am looking forward to attending these holy days to celebrate the marriages of friends and family, I am not looking forward to trying to look pretty as I get bigger and Bigger and BIGGER. Right now, at 15 weeks, I look as big as when I was 26 weeks pregnant with L. Of course the reason for this is not twins but fat. How lovely. Really, when you're embarrassed about the shape your body is in (in my case very round) it just feels like a joke to put on a dress and make-up.

I know that I have gained very little weight in the pregnancy so far, which is an improvement from last time, I just hope that continues for the next 25 weeks. Here we go.


Oh - and this is not a cheap attempt at compliments, so don't feel like you have to leave one. It's just a bit of a glimpse into my attitude.

please be warned, this is all about my vanity

Here are two pictures. The one was taken on a return visit to San Francisco the summer after I graduated from college. (Hi Suitey, if you're reading!) The second one was taken a week before I got married during a bachelorette weekend. (Yay for Hedda and Em!)

What these two pictures have in common is that when they were taken I thought I was fat, but now that I am actually fat I see that I was really a hottie.

Even with the huge zit on my cheek in the SF pic. And my lack of a waist in the second picture. Still, smokin'.

I'm writing this because, as I've already mentioned, I'm fat. I gained 50lbs with the pregnancy, lost 30 in the 2 months after L's birth and then slowly gained 10 back over the next 6 months. I felt a little better about myself when I learned over Christmas break that tired people can't lose weight. When you are seriously sleep deprived (which I have been for 4 months now) your body doesn't lose and in fact, to make up for your lack of energy, tells itself it's hungry. So I've been eating frequently, because I honestly did feel hungry, but it was really just my exhaustion.

But let me tell you something, even with a good reason like that, and knowledge that you were working out on a regular basis and eating somewhat sensibly, it's still depressing being fat. And having a closet full of clothing that doesn't look good on you any more because it's 2 sizes too small. And having a very limited amount of clothing that is not size 10 or M like it used to be.

Oh to be a size 10 again!!!!

Ramblings on today

Today has been such a good day - all thanks to the one and only, Miss L.

We ran all kinds of errands -exchanging some recent gifts for things that fit better, getting new shoes for Karl and Maureen's November wedding, renewing my license plate sticker, and picking up the family pic proofs. I did have to hold L most of the time, which did make things kinda complicated, but her fussing was to a minimum. Seriously, we were out and about for about 4 hours and she never had a screaming fit - it was GREAT!

Also, the family pics we took were wonderful. If you are in the area, I highly recommend Sarah Hedman. She's a friend from high school and her work is natural, sweet and lovely. Unfortunately for me, though, she cannot make me look 30lbs lighter.

And on that note, my friend LB made the suggestion that they should do a Biggest Loser for moderately fat people. LB, I think we should write to them with this very suggestion and that you and I should be the pink team. What do you say?

The Good: I've started to loose some inches - my clothes are fitting better and I even got into my pre-pregnancy jeans (even though there was a good bit of muffin top).

The Bad: I think L is teething and she is a fussy, fussy baby.

The Ugly: She's been waking up every 2 hours to nurse. Crying. Fussing. Nursing for comfort every two hours. I'm so tired.

Baby Fat

Now that L is 2 months old I can officially go on a diet. While looking up dieting and caloric intake for breastfeeding moms I was led to a BMI calculator, which is something I never should have done. The results were upsetting and depressing.

So the plan is the S Diet that I read about on another blog.

No Snacks, Seconds or Sweets

except on Saturday and Sunday

and Special occasions (national or religious holidays, birthdays, weddings)

Along with that, Travis and I have been going to 7 am Mass and then working out at the college for 40-60 minutes.

Since I'm breastfeeding I shouldn't lose more than 1-1.5 lbs a week or it could mess up my milk supply. Which means that it will take me six months to get back to the weight I want to be at.

Urrrgggh!